Have I lost you?

Of late, seeing your posts, although I am certain, there was never a chance, I wasn't ever there, but still the question comes, have I lost you? Haha, well I never had you in the first place. Maybe this question is just the rhetorical synthesis of my mind telling me, if I ever had a chance, it's no more there. It's gone. I should accept it now. But when will I be able to accept it. Probably never. Probably not in this lifetime. I hope I do. 

It's just painful. Why is it so hard. Why are the systems like this. Thousands of years of evolution, and still these chemicals make it so damn difficult. There's no reason to set up that high level of mechanism when there's no hope of getting the person one desires. 

Desire seems such a filthy word here. Longing. Yes, that makes more sense than the former. 

There was a point when I used to listen to love songs, because I enjoyed them as well as I believed in the lyrics. Now I’ve reached a point where I can’t get myself to believe that any of it is real. These days no matter how romantic the song or lyrics are, everything feels fake.

These oceans of sorrow, these pools of despair and dejection, this disdain, agony and soreness, would they ever subside. Why do I always think about her. When will it end. Nobody talks about how difficult and heartbreaking distancing from someone you love is, for your own peace and mental health. 

Do I love this person? Yes. 

Do I think about them all the time? Yes. 

Will I ever talk to them again? Hopefully No.

4/03/2023 05:18:00 pm Share:

Itne kareeb ho gaye thay

Itne kareeb ho gaye thay,

Mujhe laga mere ho gaye thay.

Ek hee shakhs ki to baat hai maula,

Saara jahan kis ne maanga hai.

Uske chehre par is qadar noor tha,

Ki uski yaadon mein rona manzoor tha,

Be’wafa bhi nahi keh sakte usko,

Pyaar toh humne kiya, woh toh be-qasoor tha.

Chalo tum saath mat dena,

Mujhe beshak bhula dena.

Naye sapne saja lena, 

Naye rishte bana lena.

Bhula dena sabhi waade, 

Sabhi qasme, sabhi naate.

Tumhe jaan ijazaat hai, 

Jo dil chahe wo sab karna.

Magar ab kisi se kabhi

Adhura pyaar na karna.

Zindagi chain se guzar jaaye,

Wo agar zahen se utar jaaye.

Jo badal jaaye, woh yaar kaisa?

Jo chor jaye, woh saath kaisa?

Log kehte hain, tujhe phir se pyaar hojayega,

Par jo phir se hojaye, woh pyaar kaisa?

Zindagi ko tanha viraano me rehne do,

Ye wafaa ki baatein khayalon me rehne do,

Haqikat me azmaane se toot jaate hain dil aksar,

Ye ishq, dosti aur mohabbat, kitaabon me rehne do.

Tamasha dekh rahe the jo doobne ka mere,

Meri talaash mein nikle hain kashtiyaan le kar.

Mehfil mein chal rahi thi humare qatl ki taiyaari,

Hum aaye toh bolne lage bahot lambi umar hai tumhari.

3/10/2023 05:01:00 pm Share:

Geetha Govindam

There's nothing new to write. But yesterday I watched Geetha Govindam, the telugu movie. After a long time felt happy watching a romcom. There were bits and parts of it that don't happen in real life, especially the coincidences and luck. But boys are like that. The perspective shown is real. Girls too are similar, intricate and super nuanced in their thoughts, making simple things as complex as possible. 

After the movie ended, I felt shattered. I realized how broken I am, beyond repair. 2023 marks five years since her. Still trying to fall out of love with her. Still trying to cure myself. But the feeling are now of hopelessness, of being a lost cause, of being without purpose and a tremendous amount of fear, the fear of losing the chance with her for ever. I know it's not possible, yet in this hopelessness, still I hope if I approach again where would things go. I want to know what I did wrong. I want to know why not me. But I stay back. I am the most Govind one can be, far far away from the Arjun Reddy girls want.

Maybe my too much of Govind-ism is the actual cause. But I have always been like that. I have never been the clingy type. If someone said no, I never follow up. 

The dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and whatever neurotransmitters released during those 2 years, actually 1 year, they have bound me so badly. I just wish if all those could be erased. It's like addiction.

She is happy, may she always be happy.

2/13/2023 09:40:00 am Share:

It felt good

Met her after 5 years. Felt good. Feels like everything is still the same. She is the same, her usual self. Just wish if we had some time to talk. Or at least reminisce the past days.

I quite often open the clock and see what time is it there and then go to whatsapp to see if she's online thinking maybe if I should initiate a conversation. Conversation about the past, the future. Hoping that would help me get better or worse. I don't know. But then I think, what help would it do. More importantly what if it disturbs her or brings her unhappiness in any way. I know I am giving too much importance to myself thinking like this, but this thought just creeps in every time. Why to cause any ripples in her peace.

2/05/2023 11:00:00 pm Share:

Muddat hui hai

Muddat hui hai bichhde hue apne aap se,

Dekha jo aaj tum ko to hum yaad aa gaye

- Saghar Khayyami

Boht kuch kehna tha tum say,

Lekin tum haal na samjhe to baatein kya samjhoge.

Na zakhm bhare, na sharaab sahara hui,

Na wo laute, na mohabbat doobara hui.

Yaad karta hai tujhe aaj bhi vo shaqs,

Jo bhari mehfilon mein aaj bhi tanha hai.

Ek nafrat hee hai jiska yakeen jaldi ho jata hai, 

Warna mohabbat ka yakeen dilaane mein umar hee beet jati hai.

Nahi mila hai koi tujhsa aaj tak mujko,

Aur phir ye sitam alag hai ki mila tu bhi nahi.

Humari naa neend puri huyi,

naa khawab, aur naa mohabbat.

Saari khushiyaan mila kar dekhi hain,

Tere na milne ka gham zyada hai.

Na puchho husn ki taarif hum se, 

Mohabbat jis se hui bas wo haseen hai.

Itni haseen toh na thi zindagi, 

Ke jitni barbaad ho gayi.

Kisi se dil lag jaane ko mohabbat nahi kehte,

Jinke bagair dil na lage usse mohabbat kehte hain.

Hum baney thay tabaah hone ko,

Tera milna to ek bahana tha.

Iss daur ke insaanon mein wafa dhoondh rahe ho,

Badey nadaan ho zeher kee seeshee mein dawa dhoondh rahe ho.

Ranjish hi sahi dil hi dukhaane ke liye aa,

Aa phir se mujhe chhor ke jaane ke liye aa.

Ye mujhe chain kyu nhi parta

Ek hee shakhs tha jahan mein kya?

Mohabbat kya hai, Us insan se pucho

Jisne dil tootne ke bad bhi, Uska intezar kiya hai.

Mere sabr ki inteha kya puchte ho faraz,

Wo mujh se lipat ke royi kisi aur ke liye.

1/24/2023 09:37:00 am Share:

Ek tarfa mohabbat ke qissay mujhe mat sunao

Ek tarfa mohabbat ke qissay mujhe mat sunao,

Maine uske baad khud se bhi muhabbat nahi ki.

Pichhle baras tha khauf, tujhe kho na doon.

Ab ke baras dua hai, tera saamna na ho.

Do ghadi ke saathi ko humsafar samajhte hain,

Kitne puraane hain hum, iss naye zamaane mein.

Na hawas tere jism ki,

Na shauk tere husn ka.

Bin matlab sa ladka hoon,

Teri saadgi par marta hoon.

Khoob yaad rahega ye daur humko,

Kya khoob tarse hain, ek shaks ke liye.

Socha tha ki batayenge tum ko dukh dard apna,

Tumne to itna bhi na poochha ki udaas kyun ho.

Bahut nazdeek aati ja rahi ho,

Bichhadne ka iraada kar liya hai kya.

- Jaun Elia

Jo guzaari na ja saki hum se,

Hum ne woh zindagi guzaari hai.

- Jaun Elia

Woh bhi naye logo mein mashruf ho gayi,

Humne bhi usey hamari yaad dilana chor diya.

- Wajid Shaikh

Tere aane ki ummeed bhi nahin,

Aur tera intezaar bhi khatam nahin hota.

Sher-O-Shaayri to bas dil behlaane ka zariya hai,

Warna lafz kaaghaz pe utaarne se mehboob lauta nahi karte.

Alfaazon ke deewane to bahut milenge dost,

Talaash uski karna jo khamoshi padh le.

Manzil maut hai,

Safar ka mazaa lo.

Bichhad kar phir milenge, yaqeen kitna tha,

Khwaab hee tha magar, haseen kitna tha.

Chalo ab jaane bhi do, kya karoge dastaan sunkar,

Khaamoshi tum samjhoge nahi, aur bayaan humse hoga nahi.

Ye dukh nahi, ke andheron se sulah ki humne,

Malaal yeh hai, ke ab subah ki talab bhi nahi.

- Parveen Shakir

Ishq sukoon bhi deta hai,

Agar sahi insaan se ho toh.

Muhabbat namukammal ho toh bhi

Bhool jaane mein zindagi beet jati hai.

Uske lahje mein barf thi lekin,

Chhu ke dekha to haath jalne lage.

- Amjad Islam Amjad

Meri udaasiyaan tumhein kaise nazar aayengi,

Tumhein dekh kar to hum muskuraane lagte hain.

Hansta to main roz hun,

Magar khush hue zamaana ho gaya hai.

Yeh hamesha hanste muskuraate log,

Zara sa zor se galey lagao to ro dete hain.

Itni zyada aadat mat daalo kisi ki,

Kyun ki andheron me toh saya bhi saath chhor deta hai.

Aur bhi dukh hain zamane mein mohabbat ke siva,

Rahatein aur bhi hain vasl ki rahat ke siva.

- Faiz Ahmed Faiz

Aaj ik aur baras beet gaya us ke bagair,

Jis ke hote hue hote the zamaane mere.

- Ahmed Faraz

Sau bar dil se kaha, chal bhul ja usko,

Har baar dil ne kaha, tum dil se nahi kehte.

Maut hee insaan ki dushman nahi,

Zindagi bhi jaan le kar jayegi.

- Arsh Malsiyani

Jab khwaahishein marr jaati hain,

Toh sirf samjhaute baki reh jate hain.

One of the saddest things is when two people get to know each other inside out, secrets, fears, thoughts, favorite things, what they hate, whatever they love, and then they go back to being strangers. In a blink of an eye, a moment's tragedy becomes a lifetime's misery.

1/13/2023 10:37:00 pm Share:

Surreal dream - meet with Jyothi ma'am

Just woke up to a surreal dream. Till now it was feeling so real. I was in KK sir's ancestral home along with Jyothi ma'am. 

The old house. Weird dream. She was talking about all his friends, his childhood. Where he did what. Showing photos on the walls. School projects or instruments or what was the significance of something. 

She cooked lunch for everyone, he in-laws. Everyone eating together. Then after we were talking about him and while she kept on describing various things about KK sir, my eyes kept on watering. But I was enjoying the conversation so much. It was so real and simple talk. She felt so close as if she was my aunt.

Alarm brought me back to my bed. Wish if it had continued a bit more.

12/26/2022 07:50:00 am Share:

Maybe realisation

Maybe I am coming to a realisation eventually. The first one took 4 and half years to reach complete cure. Right now, I am at the same juncture. At least time wise, yes, it is exactly that point in time.

Finally, I am thinking that yeah, it should not happen, and it WILL NOT happen. There is no possibility. More than me not being deserving of her, I think she doesn't deserve me. No, she doesn't deserve me at all. Not the person I have become now, someone so full and brimming of negativity, pessimism, in fact a magnet of lost spirit. She deserves the person she wants. She should be with whoever she wants to be with.

With the recent upcoming happenstance of meet, sometimes I am now thinking whether I should go or dodge this. I don't know if things will worsen for me due to this. I am hoping not, or wishing to be invisible if I go. Earlier I was thinking of talking to her about closure, so that it will help me in my process, to get cured, but I think it is a bad idea. She might not even remember any of that. For all I know she must have completely taken that episode in her stride as a normal thing and let it go just like every day. I don't want to make her uncomfortable or feel bad in any way. It is best I avoid any kind of confrontation like this. I should just be my normal self, just like in college. Just like it was back then. Nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing different. I will try.

I wonder when this will end for me! When will I stop thinking about her. It is not like I deliberately think of her. But it is like slice of life. It is when I walk to the place I eat at. It is when I am walking back to my room. It is when I am sitting on a desk in office. It is when I am pouring water over my head before I put shampoo. It is when I am listening to the birds chirp out of the window. It is when I am trying to fall asleep. It is there every time except when I am doing 2-3 things together during office work. It is only when my brain is occupied more than its capacity only that is the time, I am not thinking of her. It is not just when I am writing. It is when the thinking goes too much, beyond a point, that is when I come to write it. Hoping that would lessen the longing, the pain, the urge to be the friend, to talk.

12/18/2022 02:43:00 pm Share:

Things to ask your recruiter

The below list might help you in learning about the company you're going to work in. First section is for HR/Talent team. Second section is for team member. Middle section in bold can be discussed with both.

• What are extra perks that are outside of the CTC breakup. Examples like Annual health insurance, Internet bill reimbursement, Productivity allowance, Smartphone bill reimbursement, etc. If yes, are they claimed monthly or how the claims are made?
• Will there be PF, if yes will be in trust or in UAN portal?
• What is the typical salary offered for this role to candidates?
• Is this a permanent position or a contract role? If contract, what is the duration? Is there any possibility of transitioning to permanent role?
• Is this a new position that opened up or is this a refill of a former employee. Is this for a particular project or a general hire to train and later deploy into some project?
• How long have you been looking for a person to fill this position? Was immediate joiner a preference or would you have waited for me if I was not serving notice? Are there other candidates being considered for this position right now?
• What is the designation being offered and what is the next designation on promotion and when can I expect a promotion?
• What if after 2 years, I would like to explore some other technology or switch into a different project/role, is there a possibility of that happening?
• If relocating to a different city, is there any relocation assistant/allowance/temporary stay provided?
• What is the procedure for an employee if the project ends? Are they let go or put into other projects?
• What is the time period after which they are let go if they are not in a project?
• Where did you get my profile from? LinkedIn/Monster/Naukri etc. Was I referred and by whom? Will there be a referral bonus for the person who referred me?
• Is there a probation period, if yes, how long? How long is the notice period?
• What is the leave policy? How many leaves?
• Will there be any hardware provided like laptop or smartphone or headsets, etc when joining remotely?
• Is it remote work, hybrid or in office work? If hybrid, how many days of week you need to be in office. Is WFH allowed for 3-4 weeks when you visit home/family?
• If we go to office, which team will be sitting with or will it be alone in office with other team members in different cities?
• When will be the next appraisal/hike and would I be eligible for that? What is the average percentage of variable pay/bonus one gets here out of the total eligible amount?
• Does this project's client already have other running projects or is this the first project of the client in this company? How many members are there in the team or how many more will be added?
• Work timings, weeks of the week, weekend coverage or on call support, clients' time zones, late meetings, etc.
• If possible, ask if they are happy and content with their current stint at the company. This is a bit tricky and should be avoided if you are not good with the way the discussion is going.
• What is the duration of this project?
• If this interview is for a particular project, what is the most common work done on daily basis.
• Shift allowance if any for weekend work, Saturday or on call support, or comp-off.
• Tech stack the environment is using, if it is a migration project will it be lift and shift or cloud native apps being developed as well?
• In the team, how does the process of taking leave work?
• Is there any scope of layoff for this position? On what basis is layoff done?
• Who is the client company? Which office do we need to work from? 

12/14/2022 03:37:00 pm Share:

शिकायत तो खुद से है

शिकायत तो खुद से है,

तुमसे तो आज भी इश्क़ है।

अब नींद से कहो सुलह कर ले हमसे,

वो दौर चला गया जिसके लिए हम जागा करते थे।

रो रहा हूँ एक मुद्दत से,

इश्क़ जो हो गया था शिद्दत से। 

तजुर्बा है तभी तो कह रहा हूँ,

मौत अच्छी है इस मोहब्बत से। 

कितनी मुश्किल के बाद टूटा है,

एक रिश्ता जो कभी था ही नहीं। 

आहिस्ता आहिस्ता ख़त्म हो जायेंगे,

ग़म ना सही, हम ही सही। 

बहुत अजीब हैं ये बंदिशें मोहब्बत की,

न उसने क़ैद में रखा, न हम फरार हुए। 

तुम आने का वादा तो करो,

तमाम उम्र हम गुज़ार देंगे इंतज़ार में। 

मौत को यूँ ही बदनाम करता है ज़माना,

असली दर्द तो ज़िंदगी देती है। 

लफ्ज़ करेंगे इशारा जाने का,

तुम आँखें देख कर रुक जाना। 

12/04/2022 07:16:00 pm Share:

Couplets

ख़ता उनकी भी कुछ ना थी,

शायद हम ही गलत समझ बैठे,

वो तरस खाकर बात करते थे,

हम मोहब्बत समझ बैठे।

Ek galti roz kar rahe hain hum, 

Jo milega hee nahi uspe mar rahe hain hum.

Ek umr kati, do alfaaz mein, 

Ek aas mein, ek kaash mein.

Unse mohabbat kamal ki hoti hai,

Jinka milna muqqadarr me nahi hota.

Kabhi sukoon tha teri baaton mein,

Ab tere zikr par baat badal dete hain.

Intezaar me baithe hain uske,

Jisko kabhi aana hee nahi hai.

Kaash ye dil apni ikhtiyar mein hota,

Na kisi ki yaad aati na kisi se pyaar hota.

Yaad uski abhi bhi aati hai,

Buri aadat hai, kahan jaati hai.

Ek naam har raat yaad aata hai, 

Kabhi subah to kabhi sham yaad aata hai, 

Sochte hain ki kar lein dusri mohabbat, 

Phir pehli mohabbat ka anjaam yaad aata hai.

Sab kehte hain phir se kar lo mohobbat,

Bhala dusri baarish se mitti mehki hai kabhi?

Mohobbat toh bas ek bar hoti hai,

Dusri baar to khaalipan bharne ki koshish hoti hai.

Mein tere zikr mein bhi nahi, 

Aur mujhe tu lafz lafz yaad hai.

Us chaand ko hazaron chahane wale they,

Wo kya samjhega ek sitare ki kami ko.

Tumhe kya maaloom ishq ki aadat kya hoti hai,

Humse puchho humari roz halat kya hoti hai

================================

Jaun hum bhi ajeeb admi nikle,

Ek hi shakhs ke hokar reh gaye.

                                      -Jaun Elia

Ek samandar hai jo mere kaabu mein hai,

Aur ek katra hai jo mujhse sambhala nahin jaata.

Ek umr hai jo bitaani hai uske bagair,

Aur ek lamha hai jo mujhse guzaara nahin jaata.

                                          -Gulzar

====================================

Mere saath tum rahogi to saari balayein tal jayengi.

Tujhe choona to chahtaa hoon, lekin darr hai, ungliyan jal jayengi.

Apne haathon se apni maiyyat saja li humne,

Ishq karne ki sazaa paa li humne.

Dost sahi kehte the door raho usse,

Kareeb reh kar kaun si wafaa paa li humne.

Mohabbat ko bura kyon kahoon,

Jab qismat hee meri murjhaayi hai.

Wo jaa rahi hai, to jaane do,

Mere paas meri tanhaai hai.

Mera meri soch se jhagda hua hai,

Meri soch ne use abhi tak pakda hua hai.

Use tere chehre se zulfein hata te dekha tha,

Tera uske kandhe par sar jhukaate dekha tha.

Aur jaane kyon us din mujhe maut nahi mili,

Maut ne to mujhe khud gale lagaa ke dekha tha.

Kya sach muchh chhod gayi ho mujhe, bas itna bata do

Agar eisa hai, to koi aakar mera galaa dabaa do.

Dekho raat hone mein zyada waqt nahi bacha hai,

Isse pehle uski yaadein rulaaye tum mujhe sulaa do.

Ab kuch shareef log puchh rahe hain, nasha kaisa hota hai

Main sab bataunga, pehle usse gale to milwa do.

Usne kaha hai wo khush ho jayegi meri maut par,

Ab dekh kya rahe ho, aao aur mujhe zinda jala do.

Ek dafa jo galti kar do

Fir wahi galti mat karna.

Kya kaha mohabbat?

Haan ye to galti se bhi mat karna.

                                                        - Rahul Jain

11/12/2022 11:18:00 pm Share:

Purpose lost

It's been almost 5 years now. Few months left, yet the longing is same. As if it was just yesterday. Now it feels there's no purpose. No purpose of life. And the only purpose was to live with her, talk with her, hold her hands, be friends with her. In retrospect, I am flabbergasted to see where did my purpose change in my thoughts, in my mind. When did it become all about her? I had never thought like this before. Since last couple of months...maybe a year, I have started feeling the lose of purpose in life. Since I fail to be with her, I feel there's nothing more to do in life. Nothing more to achieve. I have started asking myself since I couldn't be with her, what's the purpose left? What's the point further. Soon she will become unthinkable. Maybe then I will get some sense, or maybe go completely insane. 

I wish I get better. Wish I get cured. I hope this pain goes away soon. 

11/05/2022 11:14:00 pm Share: