Surreal dream - meet with Jyothi ma'am

Just woke up to a surreal dream. Till now it was feeling so real. I was in KK sir's ancestral home along with Jyothi ma'am. 

The old house. Weird dream. She was talking about all his friends, his childhood. Where he did what. Showing photos on the walls. School projects or instruments or what was the significance of something. 

She cooked lunch for everyone, he in-laws. Everyone eating together. Then after we were talking about him and while she kept on describing various things about KK sir, my eyes kept on watering. But I was enjoying the conversation so much. It was so real and simple talk. She felt so close as if she was my aunt.

Alarm brought me back to my bed. Wish if it had continued a bit more.

12/26/2022 07:50:00 am Share:

Maybe realisation

Maybe I am coming to a realisation eventually. The first one took 4 and half years to reach complete cure. Right now, I am at the same juncture. At least time wise, yes, it is exactly that point in time.

Finally, I am thinking that yeah, it should not happen, and it WILL NOT happen. There is no possibility. More than me not being deserving of her, I think she doesn't deserve me. No, she doesn't deserve me at all. Not the person I have become now, someone so full and brimming of negativity, pessimism, in fact a magnet of lost spirit. She deserves the person she wants. She should be with whoever she wants to be with.

With the recent upcoming happenstance of meet, sometimes I am now thinking whether I should go or dodge this. I don't know if things will worsen for me due to this. I am hoping not, or wishing to be invisible if I go. Earlier I was thinking of talking to her about closure, so that it will help me in my process, to get cured, but I think it is a bad idea. She might not even remember any of that. For all I know she must have completely taken that episode in her stride as a normal thing and let it go just like every day. I don't want to make her uncomfortable or feel bad in any way. It is best I avoid any kind of confrontation like this. I should just be my normal self, just like in college. Just like it was back then. Nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing different. I will try.

I wonder when this will end for me! When will I stop thinking about her. It is not like I deliberately think of her. But it is like slice of life. It is when I walk to the place I eat at. It is when I am walking back to my room. It is when I am sitting on a desk in office. It is when I am pouring water over my head before I put shampoo. It is when I am listening to the birds chirp out of the window. It is when I am trying to fall asleep. It is there every time except when I am doing 2-3 things together during office work. It is only when my brain is occupied more than its capacity only that is the time, I am not thinking of her. It is not just when I am writing. It is when the thinking goes too much, beyond a point, that is when I come to write it. Hoping that would lessen the longing, the pain, the urge to be the friend, to talk.

12/18/2022 02:43:00 pm Share:

Things to ask your recruiter

The below list might help you in learning about the company you're going to work in. First section is for HR/Talent team. Second section is for team member. Middle section in red can be discussed with both.

• What are extra perks that are outside of the CTC breakup. Examples like Annual health insurance, Internet bill reimbursement, Productivity allowance, Smartphone bill reimbursement, etc. If yes, are they claimed monthly or how the claims are made?
• What is the typical salary offered for this role to candidates?
• Is this a permanent position or a contract role? If contract, what is the duration? Is there any possibility of transitioning to permanent role?
• Is this a new position that opened up or is this a refill of a former employee. Is this for a particular project or a general hire to train and later deploy into some project?
• How long have you been looking for a person to fill this position? Was immediate joiner a preference or would you have waited for me if I was not serving notice? Are there other candidates being considered for this position right now?
• What is the designation being offered and what is the next designation on promotion and when can I expect a promotion?
• What if after 2 years, I would like to explore some other technology or switch into a different project/role, is there a possibility of that happening?
• If relocating to a different city, is there any relocation assistant/allowance/temporary stay provided?
• What is the procedure for an employee if the project ends? Are they let go or put into other projects?
• What is the time period after which they are let go if they are not in a project?
• Where did you get my profile from? LinkedIn/Monster/Naukri etc. Was I referred and by whom? Will there be a referral bonus for the person who referred me?
• What is the designation being offered?
• Is there a probation period, if yes, how long? How long is the notice period?
• What is the leave policy? How many leaves?
• Will there be any hardware provided like laptop or smartphone or headsets, etc when joining remotely?
• Is it remote work, hybrid or in office work? If hybrid, how many days of week you need to be in office. Is WFH allowed for 3-4 weeks when you visit home/family?
• When will be the next appraisal/hike and would I be eligible for that? What is the average percentage of variable pay/bonus one gets here out of the total eligible amount?
• Does this project's client already have other running projects or is this the first project of the client in this company? How many members are there in the team or how many more will be added?
• Work timings, weeks of the week, weekend coverage or on call support, clients' time zones, late meetings, etc.
• If possible, ask if they are happy and content with their current stint at the company. This is a bit tricky and should be avoided if you are not good with the way the discussion is going.
• What is the duration of this project?
• If this interview is for a particular project, what is the most common work done on daily basis.
• Shift allowance if any for weekend work, Saturday or on call support, or comp-off.
• Tech stack the environment is using, if it is a migration project will it be lift and shift or cloud native apps being developed as well?
• In the team, how does the process of taking leave work?
• Is there any scope of layoff for this position? On what basis is layoff done?

12/14/2022 03:37:00 pm Share:

शिकायत तो खुद से है

शिकायत तो खुद से है,

तुमसे तो आज भी इश्क़ है।

अब नींद से कहो सुलह कर ले हमसे,

वो दौर चला गया जिसके लिए हम जागा करते थे।

रो रहा हूँ एक मुद्दत से,

इश्क़ जो हो गया था शिद्दत से। 

तजुर्बा है तभी तो कह रहा हूँ,

मौत अच्छी है इस मोहब्बत से। 

कितनी मुश्किल के बाद टूटा है,

एक रिश्ता जो कभी था ही नहीं। 

आहिस्ता आहिस्ता ख़त्म हो जायेंगे,

ग़म ना सही, हम ही सही। 

बहुत अजीब हैं ये बंदिशें मोहब्बत की,

न उसने क़ैद में रखा, न हम फरार हुए। 

तुम आने का वादा तो करो,

तमाम उम्र हम गुज़ार देंगे इंतज़ार में। 

मौत को यूँ ही बदनाम करता है ज़माना,

असली दर्द तो ज़िंदगी देती है। 

लफ्ज़ करेंगे इशारा जाने का,

तुम आँखें देख कर रुक जाना। 

12/04/2022 07:16:00 pm Share:

Couplets

ख़ता उनकी भी कुछ ना थी,

शायद हम ही गलत समझ बैठे,

वो तरस खाकर बात करते थे,

हम मोहब्बत समझ बैठे।

Ek galti roz kar rahe hain hum, 

Jo milega hee nahi uspe mar rahe hain hum.

Ek umr kati, do alfaaz mein, 

Ek aas mein, ek kaash mein.

Unse mohabbat kamal ki hoti hai,

Jinka milna muqqadarr me nahi hota.

Kabhi sukoon tha teri baaton mein,

Ab tere zikr par baat badal dete hain.

Intezaar me baithe hain uske,

Jisko kabhi aana hee nahi hai.

Kaash ye dil apni ikhtiyar mein hota,

Na kisi ki yaad aati na kisi se pyaar hota.

Yaad uski abhi bhi aati hai,

Buri aadat hai, kahan jaati hai.

Ek naam har raat yaad aata hai, 

Kabhi subah to kabhi sham yaad aata hai, 

Sochte hain ki kar lein dusri mohabbat, 

Phir pehli mohabbat ka anjaam yaad aata hai.

Sab kehte hain phir se kar lo mohobbat,

Bhala dusri baarish se mitti mehki hai kabhi?

Mohobbat toh bas ek bar hoti hai,

Dusri baar to khaalipan bharne ki koshish hoti hai.

Mein tere zikr mein bhi nahi, 

Aur mujhe tu lafz lafz yaad hai.

Us chaand ko hazaron chahane wale they,

Wo kya samjhega ek sitare ki kami ko.

Tumhe kya maaloom ishq ki aadat kya hoti hai,

Humse puchho humari roz halat kya hoti hai

================================

Jaun hum bhi ajeeb admi nikle,

Ek hi shakhs ke hokar reh gaye.

                                      -Jaun Elia

Ek samandar hai jo mere kaabu mein hai,

Aur ek katra hai jo mujhse sambhala nahin jaata.

Ek umr hai jo bitaani hai uske bagair,

Aur ek lamha hai jo mujhse guzaara nahin jaata.

                                          -Gulzar

====================================

Mere saath tum rahogi to saari balayein tal jayengi.

Tujhe choona to chahtaa hoon, lekin darr hai, ungliyan jal jayengi.

Apne haathon se apni maiyyat saja li humne,

Ishq karne ki sazaa paa li humne.

Dost sahi kehte the door raho usse,

Kareeb reh kar kaun si wafaa paa li humne.

Mohabbat ko bura kyon kahoon,

Jab qismat hee meri murjhaayi hai.

Wo jaa rahi hai, to jaane do,

Mere paas meri tanhaai hai.

Mera meri soch se jhagda hua hai,

Meri soch ne use abhi tak pakda hua hai.

Use tere chehre se zulfein hata te dekha tha,

Tera uske kandhe par sar jhukaate dekha tha.

Aur jaane kyon us din mujhe maut nahi mili,

Maut ne to mujhe khud gale lagaa ke dekha tha.

Kya sach muchh chhod gayi ho mujhe, bas itna bata do

Agar eisa hai, to koi aakar mera galaa dabaa do.

Dekho raat hone mein zyada waqt nahi bacha hai,

Isse pehle uski yaadein rulaaye tum mujhe sulaa do.

Ab kuch shareef log puchh rahe hain, nasha kaisa hota hai

Main sab bataunga, pehle usse gale to milwa do.

Usne kaha hai wo khush ho jayegi meri maut par,

Ab dekh kya rahe ho, aao aur mujhe zinda jala do.

Ek dafa jo galti kar do

Fir wahi galti mat karna.

Kya kaha mohabbat?

Haan ye to galti se bhi mat karna.

                                                        - Rahul Jain

11/12/2022 11:18:00 pm Share:

Purpose lost

It's been almost 5 years now. Few months left, yet the longing is same. As if it was just yesterday. Now it feels there's no purpose. No purpose of life. And the only purpose was to live with her, talk with her, hold her hands, be friends with her. In retrospect, I am flabbergasted to see where did my purpose change in my thoughts, in my mind. When did it become all about her? I had never thought like this before. Since last couple of months...maybe a year, I have started feeling the lose of purpose in life. Since I fail to be with her, I feel there's nothing more to do in life. Nothing more to achieve. I have started asking myself since I couldn't be with her, what's the purpose left? What's the point further. Soon she will become unthinkable. Maybe then I will get some sense, or maybe go completely insane. 

I wish I get better. Wish I get cured. I hope this pain goes away soon. 

11/05/2022 11:14:00 pm Share:

KK

It's been the 5th day of knowing that KK is no more. The initial 2 days were difficult for me. I was constantly going into episodes of watery eyes. With everyone at home, I had be vigilant to hide it as I don't think they would understand what KK meant to me. At night, seeing other well known people's reactions on the incident and trubutes to him, comments and posts, celebrities and common people, I couldn't stop myself from crying. Now checking feeds on fb, twitter, insta or youtube is difficult too. Everywhere, it's KK. The irony is, when he was alive, people like me always wanted him to be a little more popular, wanted him to get shown up more in media, just so that more people would know what a great human being he was. What his outlook towards life was, how he sees people and life. And most of all, in all this, if it would help him get more songs for singing. The irony is, now he is everywhere, but he is not there. And even in this tragedy, people like me, take solace that at least a little due he is getting now, but sadly in his death.

Initial day, I wasn't able to accept what had happened. I wasn't able to concentrate on anything. I was taking it all that casual, till afternoon the same thought kept coming to me, that maybe it's just a bad dream and I will get up soon. The second day, towards the end, it started syncing in, the reality. That it has happened. That too where? In Bengal, in Kolkata, me being a bengali, it's so heartbreaking. I think about the KK fans who had attended that concert. Some of them would be in so much guilt. Some of them would feel such great sorrow. I think about Mr Hitesh Bhatt, KK sir's manager. He would be in terrible condition. Whoever was with him that day, they all, throughout their life, will never forget, that they could have taken him directly to hospital. But whoever has attended a KK concert would know, there was nothing unusual about him that night, except the heat condition on stage. In almost all his concert he performs like a true rockstar. Jumping, dancing, running, belting high octaves, drinking water, sweating. It's difficult to see this different from any other concert. They must have thought taking rest will calm everything, hence hotel and not hospital. As at that point, they must have not felt anything about hospital. I am not justifying any action of anybody, I am just speculating as per my own experiences. And we regret these judgements our whole life, or quite a significant amount of our life. I just wish if KK would have not ignored how he must be feeling. Or maybe somehow he would have known if he did have any best ailment. But who will think with such good lifestyle, food, fit body, one might get problems.

I think about Jyothy ma'am. KK sir had just bought a new Audi a few months back. On Jyothy ma'am birthday, he took him in that car on a ride. It all still feels so unreal. He came in the Kapil Sharma Show with his daughter Tamara, just a few months back.

Saw many artists paying teibute to him in their own concerts. Talking about how he was an inspiration. His singing techniques. His personality. All that is happening, but he is not there.

My KK story is not so different from other KK admirers. I am from a lower middle class family, and the connection to music in our household has always been limited to being occasional listeners of songs from the outside world or the shows in TV. My interest in singing and in music started because of KK. I didn't use to listen to songs nor did I have any interest in them. Just the occasional hearing whenever there used to be wedding nearby, or puja festival, as in this part of India, they play songs in loudspeakers on these events. Or from music playing in a vehicle or somewhere when you are travelling. But as I was growing up, I started getting little interest in knowing songs as we kids used to sing in the bus on the way returning from school to home. But still that wasn't much. Then during 2009-2010, I heard 2 songs, Sajde Kiye Hain Lakhon from Khatta Meetha and I am in Love from OUATIM. I immediately fell in love with those songs, the melody, the lyrics and how it was sung, the style, the enunciation of the words, the highs. I started searching the singer, by then luckily we had a phone and internet. Those days just getting speeds of 10-20 kbps was something to boast of in rural areas like my place. 1 GB for full month. Anyways, I found the name KK. I was a intriguing factor because the name had so much mystery with it. Just 2 letters. At that time only wikipedia had KrishnaKumar Kunnath. Everywhere else it was either KK Menon or just KK. For a long time the debate was on for his real full name. TheMesmerizer.com cleared the confusion a bit. That was the only site on internet, that had some collection of interviews and information of KK. 

Anyway, I am diverting again. So when I researched more about him, I found that most of the songs that had stood out for me till then, were all sung by KK. His songs were everywhere, so popular, but no one knew about the singer. 

6/06/2022 08:29:00 am Share:

Roommate list

This is just a written account for myselft that I need to follow to hunt the next room I live in. I have to be careful and checkout before moving in about the following points.

• Ask if plays songs/videos/clips or browses social media/instagram/facebook/youtube on loudspeaker of his phone without using earphones.

• Ask if they pee in the bathroom without shutting the door

• Ask if they keep the light turned on in the night for sleeping or otherwise (or how long they usually remain awake at night or have night shift work)

• Talks loudly on phone without going out or at least sitting some distance away, or at least gives some consideration to talk/chat with low volume while I am on an office team meeting/call

• Do not forget to check the lights the roommate(s) are preferring to turn on in normal conditions, as this might be in conflict with the lights that you want turned on.

• Ask them, suppose you are sleeping in the night 10 o'clock or in the morning 8 o'clock, would they be considerate enough to not at least produce sounds deliberately or watch reels/videos/movies on loudspeaker.

2/14/2022 11:26:00 am Share:

Khayaal

Dard hai thoda. Kal kaafi lamba aur elaborate sapna dekha. Wo bhi thi. Pata nahi par kabhi kabhi dil ab bhi kehta hai ki ek aur baar puchh ke dekhun. Shayad kuch ho jaye, ya kam se kam dubara dosti hee kaayam ho jaye. Jhijhakta bhi hoon, kahin isse main apna dard aur badha na loon. Kabhi kabhi to ab lagta hai ki shayad ab aur use bhoolna mumkin nahi. Aur tabhi darr lagta hai. Poori zindagi kya eise hee beetegi? Kaisa lagega jab mujhe pata chalega uske kisi aur ke ho jane k baare mein? 

Sapne bhi kitne ajeeb hote hain na? Hum jo asal zindagi mein chahte hain, uska thoda hee hissa sahi, par sapne mein dekhkar achha lagta hai. 

Main to aaj bhi usey bhulane, usey chhurane ki jad mein laga hoon, jo kabhi meri hui hee nahi. It seems so poetic to write about the pain of losing someone whom I never had in the first place. 😁

2/08/2022 11:19:00 pm Share:

Another beautiful night

Woke up to another beautiful dream last night or might I say a few minutes back. Felt like heaven as I got to be with her again.

It was some different city, some different time. In the dream I used to live there alone. I had a college friend living very close to my place, in the same neighbourhood with her mother. Since they had moved in recently, they didn't know much about the place or maybe the city was too big. So I showed them a few places to get good bengali snacks.

One day I was with her, just like old days. We went to an exhibition or sort of an emporium. There were flowers, handicrafts, carpets. It was also kind of a on the go museum. Even food stalls were also present. We explored the place together, she was very happy and excited and was leading the way.

After a while some of my very old school friends came and started asking about her. Whom I was roaming with and started teasing me about her, just the friendly one. Later I went with my friends to a few stalls. She left for home and I came back to my room. And then I had a train that night, so called up that college friend nearby thinking they could accompany me to the station.

With that the dream ended. I feel very happy right now, it was surreal. Wish for more dreams like these.

1/10/2022 06:55:00 am Share:

Shayari Again

यह कौन लोग हैं जो आबाद हुए हैं, 

किसी से मोहब्बत के बाद हुए हैं।

लोग बर्बाद हो कर बनते हैं शायर, 

हम शायर हो कर बर्बाद हुए हैं।

हमें अपने शहर ने भी ना रखा, 

वह औरों के शहर में ज़िंदाबाद हुए हैं। 

अभी तेरी याद हफ़्ता वसूलती है, 

अभी कहाँ क़ैद से आज़ाद हुए हैं।

जिस लड़के से सबसे ज़्यादा नफ़रत थी, 

हाय उसी के वह मेरे बाद हुए हैं।

कैसे कैसों को हम-राज़ करती है, 

अपने लोगों को नाराज़ करती है। 

तेरे बाद हमने जाना यह, 

घड़ी टिक टिक की आवाज करती है।

मैं उसकी दवाओं से ऐसा हुआ हूँ कान्हा,

तुम तो कहते थे वह लड़की इलाज करती है।

-  Kanha Kamboj

ज़िंदगी में भागे जा रहे हैं,

कामयाबी की तलाश में।

सुकून से ही दूर जा रहे हैं,

सुकून की तलाश में।

-unknown 

ना तुम मिले होते, ना इश्क हुआ होता।

न शिकवा जिंदगी से, ना कोई गिला होता। 

न सुनसान रात होती, न खामोशी ने होठों को सिया होता।

ना तुम मिले होते, ना इश्क हुआ होता। 

न ख्वाबों में तुम आते, न ख्यालों में हर पल सताते।

सिलसिला तुम्हारा हम ज़माने को, ना इस कदर सुनाते। 

न यादें बनी होती, ना किस्सा बयां होता।

ना तुम मिले होते, ना इश्क हुआ होता।

- Divya Gupta

एक शख़्स से बातें क्या बंद हुई,

हम खामोश ही रहने लगे।

- Gulzar

1/07/2022 10:04:00 pm Share: