Maybe I am coming to a realisation eventually. The first one took 4 and half years to reach complete cure. Right now, I am at the same juncture. At least time wise, yes, it is exactly that point in time.
Finally, I am thinking that yeah, it should not happen, and it WILL NOT happen. There is no possibility. More than me not being deserving of her, I think she doesn't deserve me. No, she doesn't deserve me at all. Not the person I have become now, someone so full and brimming of negativity, pessimism, in fact a magnet of lost spirit. She deserves the person she wants. She should be with whoever she wants to be with.
With the recent upcoming happenstance of meet, sometimes I am now thinking whether I should go or dodge this. I don't know if things will worsen for me due to this. I am hoping not, or wishing to be invisible if I go. Earlier I was thinking of talking to her about closure, so that it will help me in my process, to get cured, but I think it is a bad idea. She might not even remember any of that. For all I know she must have completely taken that episode in her stride as a normal thing and let it go just like every day. I don't want to make her uncomfortable or feel bad in any way. It is best I avoid any kind of confrontation like this. I should just be my normal self, just like in college. Just like it was back then. Nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing different. I will try.
I wonder when this will end for me! When will I stop thinking about her. It is not like I deliberately think of her. But it is like slice of life. It is when I walk to the place I eat at. It is when I am walking back to my room. It is when I am sitting on a desk in office. It is when I am pouring water over my head before I put shampoo. It is when I am listening to the birds chirp out of the window. It is when I am trying to fall asleep. It is there every time except when I am doing 2-3 things together during office work. It is only when my brain is occupied more than its capacity only that is the time, I am not thinking of her. It is not just when I am writing. It is when the thinking goes too much, beyond a point, that is when I come to write it. Hoping that would lessen the longing, the pain, the urge to be the friend, to talk.
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