An Ordinary Human

Tuesday 23 November 2021

Well now when I am thinking about it, lag raha hai ki hai bhi kya batane ko isme.

College ka 4th sem tha......I had just gotten over school wali jisse kabhi utni baat bhi nhi huyi.....tab bhi college ke 2nd year tak I was trying to get over her. Achha haan......to 4th sem mein this topper girl from class (branch topper too) came to me asking why was I not going on the farewell party of seniors....tab se jo baaton ka silsila shuru hua, fir dosti hui, mulaqatein badhi......padhne lage saath.....deloitte ka ek competition tha usme 2nd round tak gaye saath mein.....fir kaafi achhe dost ban gaye, google developers day programme mein dono saath gaye......is beech shayad main uske dosti ko kuch aur samajh rha tha but uske ishare bhi to lagte the ki kuch aur kahani hai.....anyways it came to a point that we used to sit in class together, be in college together everywhere, lunch or break or after classes ya fir bunking classes.....she had a group of 4, her 2 more girl friends and a boy....and me with another friend of mine.....altogether 6 ka group (or 5 mostly), we used be go everywhere like a gang......movies bhi.....and dheere dheere after classes everyday jab sab ghar ya hostel jaate the after that me and her used to go out......kabhi airport wale boundary pe baith k door kheton ko niharte the....kabhi momo khane chal dete the......kabhi uski window shopping.....kabhi idhar kabhi udhar....sheher mein ghumna.....kabhi library mein saath mein padhna......aur fir uske ghar jaane k baad shaam ko phone pe baatein.....college mein sab sochne lag gaye that we are couple, even teachers jinhe main pasand tha (I was good in OS and Linux wala subject) unhone hum dono ko toka.....padhai mein dhyan do.....(although eisa kuch nahi tha ki we were losing marks in class, bas baatein kuch zyada krte the).....but even then we were just friends......and she used to keep reminding this always whenever after her flirting with me I used to flirt back more, she used to remind that we are just friends......jitni kareeb wo aagayi thi mere aajtak koi aur nahi aaya...she used to ask everything about family, everyone and she knows all, same as she took me to her home so many times, meeting with all her family (she has big family, father's all brothers live together). And among all this so many qualities/nature/characters of ours matched, our thoughts and mindsets were similar about things in life, and yet there were many differences too, in a good way because I have learnt so much from her. Whenever I was with her I was constantly learning, academically or otherwise. 100 baat ki ek baat that I was growing with her, I was so happy with her. She shared about her past, and friends and her mistakes and her love interest, what she was passionate about, what she wanted to do, almost everything. Her constant flirting, caring, I mistook all that for the wrong thing. I thought she too might at least have a small corner somewhere inside her thinking about me or liking me apart from the friendship. By this time I even thought I knew I was wrong, but I had fallen for her. We used talk about trying to get placed in the same city during campus placements, and we did too. Both of us got Hyderabad and we were so happy that day. Also one night around 3 AM she called me and kept crying. No word, nothing, just constant crying. Maybe all this confused me thinking she too was falling for me, but no. Everything became clear in 8th sem during our internship days in Hyderabad. She got super busy even before that, just after getting placed. In Hyderabad too, she was busy with her company work, I used to help as much as I could, whenever she asked. At last one day in February 2018 or March, I went to her place, told her everything by writing a letter. If you read that, so many things will become clear. But in that letter in the end whatever I wrote were lies. Once she told me that she had approached me because she saw me sad and lonely, her friendship was to make me feel happy, her flirting and everything was to make me feel better, nothing more than that. So to avoid her feeling guilty about how her thinking of helping me had actually hurt me since I had fallen in love with her, I wrote that I had misinterpreted her friendship for love, and I would eradicate that feeling and be only friends. But after that I kept avoiding her, as I wasn't and I am not strong enough to be friends with her anymore as I haven't been able to stop this longing for her.

If you read that one blog I wrote after, it will make the story whole. https://subhamram.blogspot.com/2018/09/why.html