All at once.

What is it about nights that bring you all the memories of past. What is it about nights that remind me of all the voids that have been created. And why am I calling them voids. Is it because till the time I had them they were so obvious that now I miss them. Not all the same though, because for family you start taking them for granted, it is quite common. But her, I never took her for granted.

The strange thing is I am writing about her here as if she too is in the same state as others I am talking about here. No, actually not at all. It's absolutely wrong of me to make it seem so. I would never even in my dreams think of her to be in that state physically/actually. But the point I am trying to make here is it's almost like them what she is for me now.

It's bad that I am putting her at the same spot, but I can't seem to think of it as any other analogy. In fact it's the same. The only difference is that this state that I have made of her in my viewpoint is totally my deed. And it's artificial. But for the other two nothing can be done. It's nature or whatever they say about it. Death.

Why did it have to happen all at once. 2016 and 2017 they went. And I made 2018 her last for me. But was it not because of her I did so. Probably not. It's all my fault. It's me who fell for her. It's me who read all the wrong signs, or interpreted them wrong. It's me who keeps repeating the same mistakes.

And my whining continues.......just like a zillion times. But it's still painful. All that has happened. All of them. All in such short span of time. Hope I heal soon.

9/03/2019 01:46:00 am Share:

Door Kahin Koi Rota Hai

This poem was written by Mr. Atal Bihari Vajpayee. This poem is small in length but conveys so much in just a few lines.

दूर कहीं कोई रोता है

तन पर पहरा भटक रहा मन 

साथी है केवल सूनापन

बिछुड़ गया क्या स्वजन किसी का

क्रंदन सदा करूण होता है

दूर कहीं कोई रोता है 

जन्म दिवस पर हम इठलाते

क्यों ना मरण त्यौहार मनाते

अन्तिम यात्रा के अवसर पर

आँसू का अशकुन होता है

दूर कहीं कोई रोता है

अंतर रोयें आँख ना रोयें

धुल जायेंगे स्वप्न संजोये

छलना भरे विश्व में केवल

सपना ही तो सच होता है

दूर कहीं कोई रोता है

इस जीवन से मृत्यु भली है

आतंकित जब गली गली है

मैं भी रोता आसपास जब 

कोई कहीं नहीं होता है 

दूर कहीं कोई रोता है 

दूर कहीं कोई रोता है

                                     - अटल बिहारी वाजपेयी

Such powerfull feelings and totally relatable. Great poem by a great person. 

8/18/2018 10:35:00 am Share:

Biological Warfare - research paper

Biological Warfare

This was a research paper I wrote for my second semester course Rhetoric and Composition.

People who find this paper useful may refer to it.

4/21/2017 08:39:00 pm Share:

It's not easy.

I have always been a person who prefers sitting alone than being around people. I may be called an introvert. I also wanted to die right few years into my childhood. I am the kind of person for whom living or being dead doesn't matter much. Although given a chance I would certainly would like to be in peace, in death. And this conception of mine isn't new. I had been like this right from the childhood. Well are obvious reasons too but that discussion is out of the scope of publishing since it's extremely personal and involves family.

But in the last 2 years, I have been constantly losing people. First my cousin  brother, right in my own arms. I have seen very few people filled with as much wish to enjoy life the way he did. He was what we call carpe diem. He always lived in the present. Spent without caring a damn about future. And death was the last thing he would think if ever he would. He didn't give us more than a few seconds to save him.

This year dadi (grandfather's sister) right before the marriage of his son, just a few days before, met with a TBI. Spent a month in hospital fighting and finally gave up. I with my grandfather went to cremate her. She was the one in the family who was a role model for everyone as she was so much like her brother in strength, leadership, risk-taker and bold. Always wanted to talk so much to her. Never got that occasion. All this only because my grandfather always talked so highly of her. He from time to time used to tell stories of her youth.

And just as two months had passed, a major blow hit. It was my grandfather. Perfectly healthy, perfectly fine, yet this. There's no explanation to this. The person who was the closest to me on this whole big universal set of people I have come to know in my life. Even as I write this I feel has it really happened or is it not reality. How can this happen. It's just unimaginable. He has just perfect. Neither he was very old that we say it's due to that. But yes, one thing I have known from the first death of my life, my cousin brother's, that it doesn't take more than a few seconds to die. It's that easy.
The man who powered the complete house. The man who was behind every little thing that my family is. The man who was my and most of my extended family's idol. The man who started working at the age of 16 to support his big family of 8 siblings with no father or mother. The man who left everything behind for his brothers, took nothing from them and left for a city, to make his own home with his wife. There are so many deeds of him that I know of. I used to tell him why doesn't he start writing an autobiography but as I know he never had time. He was still working for the us at this age. May it be the opening of locks on main gate in morning, be it bringing snacks or vegetables for the house, be it doing all the calculations of the business, be it advice or plan for stocking for the shop, be it any minor or major problem that the house has come up with. He was the man to he sought for any problem. 

It's not very easy to keep myself normal after having lost so much in such a small duration of time. It's not easy to not cry or cry in silence in the nights when you feel that this has really happened. It's not that  easy to come to terms with this recent blow. Those 20 years you have been living with the person, with his orders, with his jokes, with his stories, with his food, with his teachings, with his Geeta recitals, with his immense knowledge of things, and all of a sudden you realise you will not get scolded anymore by him, he will not be there to tell you his experiences anymore, he will not be there to ask you what do you want and he will not bring you whatever you ask for. 

It's acceptable to not live with him but it's not easy to live thinking that he is not there anymore and I can't see him anymore or touch his feet. He will not ask me anymore to massage his legs.

It's not easy.

9/19/2016 03:58:00 am Share:

Unknown

The following writing was sent to me by someone and I thought of publishing it here with the authors consent. But the author wants to remain anonymous, so I am not going to publish the name.

I don’t know what to write as the topic of this post. Will leave this article untitled if I don’t work out a title till the end of the writing. I feel sorrow and lament inside me right now. How do you feel when you are thought of as someone who has killed his own brother and that too by someone who is very dear to you and has a direct relation with the person gone. How can a person of your own relation, so close to you, think of you as the person who did nothing to save their child. I don’t know how to react. I don’t know how to talk. I don’t know what to talk. I don’t know what to feel. How should I deal myself. 

Picture credit Huffingtonpost

Maybe they are right. Maybe they are supposed to act in exactly that way. Maybe I am thinking too much. Maybe since they are the nearest to the person gone, they are doing the correct thing. But how can they forget all those moments that we spent together? What about the immense love we have for him. The years spent together. The thing and matters as they were before the incident were so different. How can a brother let his sister’s son die without doing anything? How can she say he didn't do anything? How can she say it all happened because of us?
This was really bad. If God exists and he does these things then He shouldn't have done this to him. If a person is so eager to die but He shovels the other one who wanted to live life to the fullest and always tried doing so. There were so many options.
But things happen and it has happened.

-Anonymous

3/24/2015 10:17:00 pm Share: