I am no more a loner. I have started loving the idea of living with family. My family. All I wanted was, a partner in that. A friend. Ek saathi. To share all the things with. Besides that even when I was small, back in childhood, I had this noble idea that how great it would be if my family and my partner's family would live together, then she won't feel like she left her home to come to mine after marriage and it would be symbolically equality too. Also, had always thought since childhood to live together with my brother (pishi's son) when we become adults.
Living alone in far off city, bustling with people, jammed with cars, buses and motorbikes, is not something I wanted anymore. So far away that I can't even be home when needed without thinking about travel. Also the sheer time and money spent in that.
A city where everything is so costly, where you inhale tons of vehicular fumes daily or whenever you commute via roads, a city that's foreign to my culture, foreign to my language among other things.
I never wanted to think of creating a family or raising kids in an environment that's secluded, lonely. For them, I still believe, the best cognitive development, physical, emotional and all forms of development, best happens when they are surrounded by people, by elders of the family, avenues to play, listen to stories in old ways, away from the screens.
Also, my original love of my life, my childhood love has been pishi. I don't want to be away from her anymore. I want to help her. She is too getting old. I miss her. I think, if I can help her even a little bit in day to day life. I want to help my brother as well, in handling the shop, our family. It becomes very difficult at times to handle everything alone. There's my grandmother, my mom, pishi, his wife and their two kids and the shop and home and everything, it becomes overwhelming at times. Also there's added responsibility towards my elder pishi who lost their son 12 years ago. Also younger pishi too. We still consider them as our own. So at times when needed, my brother has to take care of them as well. Those times it becomes difficult to handle everything alone.
But I don't know what is going to happen now. I don't think Jo likes any of it. She loves living alone, secluded, in private, away from people. She loves the big busy city. She loves the distance. She has a job which she doesn't want to let go to try other options. She thinks she won't be able to live freely if we live at home with my family. While I think we need to steal and can steal our own moments even at home, we can still live a bit privately even at home. Also I don't think she likes my family.
Along with this, now we also have her mom to take care of. She is alone, so she has to stay with us. And due to all this, she might think it would be best to live in the city with her mom.
Initially when we had discussions on this topic, I got the impression that she would be open to the idea. She would consider doing it. But talking recently after this massive catastrophe that has happened in her life, at this moment of weakness and vulnerability, I could clearly see her thoughts and wants and desires about where she wants to live. I was so wrong earlier in my thinking. She will never be comfortable or she will never be able to accept living with us back home.
I had noticed her mother's enmeshed relationship with her in the initial days itself. I had multiple discussions with her. Each and every time she assured me it would not create problems and that she will start working on fixing her connection with her mother. One of the primary reasons I was hesitant to even start looking for girls to marry, was this. I never wanted a girl-mom combo, where mom tells and does each and everything for the girl, all opinions and decisions are of her mother, the mother controlling each and every bit of the daughter's life. Because I have seen it, first hand, destroy my own family. I have seen how slowly it completely annihilates the family with the most suffering caused to my dad. All because of my mother and her bond with my grandmother (mother's mother). I come from that broken family with trauma introduced right from a very young age, the formative years when a child's majority of development happens, that's when me and my sister were suffering daily doses of domestic strife and conflicts.
I see now nothing has changed over these months. She hasn't and doesn't want to change anything with her mother. So many instances I keep seeing the influence. Her mother doesn't let her go alone anywhere, even if it is for a simple paper print errand, and she listens and obeys. This is just a very small example, been seeing this kind of thing since a long time, and nothing has changed.
I reckon, there will be constant conflicts between her mother's opinions and decisions and mine. And me being a non conformist, it will create havoc. Ultimately she will listen to her mom, because convincing her mom on anything is impossible, so she will just tell me to consider her and slowly slowly this will become a habit. Me being the kind of person I am, I don't think I would be in peace anymore.
Also it is so evil of me to even ask her do it, as they have been together since ages, since she was born, she had her mother as her only friend. So I guess this enmeshed relationship was bound to happen. I was still okay thinking that anyway her mom would not live with us, so I thought it might still be okay. But now circumstances have flipped. She will have to live with us. I guess as they say, jis chiz se aap bhaagte ho, wohi chiz aapke piche piche aati hai. Now everything feels like I am doing and getting the exact things that I didn't want. Absolutely the stuff that I wanted to stay away from, exactly that stuff is coming to me.
I wanted an independent girl, who could take her own decisions, who had her own opinions. I wanted someone who was a fighter, not an abla naari. Someone who could do stuff on her own and not a homely princess. Someone tough, fearless, who could defend themself even when alone. It seems, I got the exact opposite.
I guess I misjudged in thinking she was like me. I guess I ruined her life, she could have found a much better guy, suitable to her desires, her needs, her thinking, suitable to her wants. Now it's messed up. She has fallen for me. And I love her, so can't see her suffer. So, I guess I will have to reimagine my life. It is going to be extremely difficult. Completely opposite of what I had imagined. I am feeling extremely scared.
At times I feel, a person like me, with such different thoughts and thinking, shouldn't have decided to get married. People like me should stay single. But then, there is an urge to share my life with a friend, a partner. It feels like all this could have been done easier with a partner. Who knew that everything would change completely with my search for a friend, a partner.
1/07/2026 09:11:00 am
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