All at once.

What is it about nights that bring you all the memories of past. What is it about nights that remind me of all the voids that have been created. And why am I calling them voids. Is it because till the time I had them they were so obvious that now I miss them. Not all the same though, because for family you start taking them for granted, it is quite common. But her, I never took her for granted.

The strange thing is I am writing about her here as if she too is in the same state as others I am talking about here. No, actually not at all. It's absolutely wrong of me to make it seem so. I would never even in my dreams think of her to be in that state physically/actually. But the point I am trying to make here is it's almost like them what she is for me now.

It's bad that I am putting her at the same spot, but I can't seem to think of it as any other analogy. In fact it's the same. The only difference is that this state that I have made of her in my viewpoint is totally my deed. And it's artificial. But for the other two nothing can be done. It's nature or whatever they say about it. Death.

Why did it have to happen all at once. 2016 and 2017 they went. And I made 2018 her last for me. But was it not because of her I did so. Probably not. It's all my fault. It's me who fell for her. It's me who read all the wrong signs, or interpreted them wrong. It's me who keeps repeating the same mistakes.

And my whining continues.......just like a zillion times. But it's still painful. All that has happened. All of them. All in such short span of time. Hope I heal soon.

9/03/2019 01:46:00 am Share:

Friendship and Love

Love overpowers the friendship because the pain you have to handle outweighs the friendship you're losing. So you choose to stay away. At least that's what I did. Although just as she said, kabhi kabhi lagta hai kaash sab jaisa tha waisa hee rehta. The whole thing is so relatable, it felt as if she's speaking my story.

And Professor Snape, is one hell of a man to give up his whole life just because of love. 

I always envy people who get over so soon. I badly feel the need to have such powers to move on so fast. If at least not in weeks then perhaps in months. Not unlike me who takes years or forever to move on. 

😀😁

5/26/2019 10:25:00 am Share:

It's Strange!

I am confused and scared about what is happening to me. Is it happening again? Or is it happening for the first time because it never happened earlier? Or is it not what I think it is? It's just a few hours and I am missing the conversation/voice. How can this happen. When I think of post exam time, how will it be? How will I be able to sustain. Is it even real? Or just a play of some biological components? It's enjoyable but doesn't this kind of craving even for conversation mean that it's not the real thing, just a phase thing that has many names around. Moreover how can so many things match and yet many don't? I don't think it's this easy and accessible, right in front of you, to get the traits, qualities, characters and frequency you have been looking for, when all this while it was all there right in the foreground.

But maybe that's a different realm to discuss on and has its own dynamics. The reason for its abstraction might be because of my indifference to these things and the tedium or fear or exhaustion that I was going through regarding these. For one to see things, there should also be interest on the subject, right? But what has happened now? It was all unwanted, involuntary. I have no clue how it is going or where it is going and how did it even come to that or has it even come to any of that I am talking about in the first place. Maybe I am speculating too much and none of it has any reality to it. Well I fear the bad end and that's why I should not allow these things to haunt my mind. But whatever it is, it is filling me with positivity and if I see the recent past and my performance as an individual, I see myself at a good place. Things have definitely improved. Let's see how long it stays.

4/23/2017 05:27:00 pm Share:

Fully cured!

Now I know and I am hundred percent certain that I have been cured of this phenomenon called Love. I will be eternally grateful to the entity or hormone or whatever that caused this disease to rip off my soul or mind or body. I am so happy and free now. I wanted this from such a long time.
I don't want to commit this mistake again. It was hell of an experience. I am doing fair if not good right now. I know I will be doing good and I try to achieve that from now on. And yes I also have to spend a little amount of my energy to stay away from this devil - Love. It has always been my request to any fellow human being to stay away from love. It ruins your life. And I say that again.
Thank you.
I am happy again. No more sorrow.

3/21/2016 05:27:00 pm Share:

Love

Love knows no limits.

My heart still feels she will be back. Its ridiculous, that someone breaks your heart, leaves you forever and you still love them with every broken piece, tears come out from your heart and covers your soul, still nothing can ease your pain.
People ask you reasons for your sadness and when you share your pain they tell their stories and try to convince they had gone through more bitter phases. Everyone can listen to your words but no one can understand your feelings, they ask you to be strong, and you have to pretend that you are happy because you don't want to punish your loved ones for your mistake.

Your soul cries sliently but your tears shouldn't tricle down, you want to share how you feel but you don't have words that describe your pain.
And you feel empty, you feel like dying but you have to live for your parents, you have to choose between "Die for your love" or "Live for your parents' love", physically you survive but emotionally you die.

I believe in loving someone forever, but waiting seems endless.
Love is the most amazing feeling but this gives the most unbearable pain as well. Lucky are the ones who are still with the person they love. Value them friends, because love is not easy to get, but once you fall in love it's impossible to forget.

Subham

2/05/2015 05:17:00 pm Share: