Alone

Never felt this alone in my life so far, as much I am feeling from last two weeks. I don't know whose fault it is. But ultimately the cause is because of me I guess. My wrong decisions and my failure of not being able to keep myself from the wrong. But how does one know. Sometimes they think that it's good, or rather say natural. Why to be a spoilsport. But then...... actually it's all about me.

I wasn't this alone when I was in ghaziabad in the initial days after that happened......neither was I this alone when I was in Bhubaneswar for the same reason......but here...I am totally alone. I feel no purpose in life no matter how much I try to reason and replenish my radical thinking. But it's not happening this time. I was a real fool. I didn't think about this situation, such an over-confidence I had. I hated thia state earlier too, and why not, anyone will hate it. Still my foolishness overtook me.

Sometimes very small things, minutest of things trigger those memories of recent past, the mere sound of a scooter being parked, can make you feel so empty. And in these times you always see people around you in such a way that they constantly remind you of your longing.

I wish I had never moved on. That way I could have stayed away from suffering again. This pain is like having something stuck in the neck all the time, and something causing discomfort in the chest area. Had I not moved on, or I wish it would have taken me two more years to move on, then I would have been saved from this misery. People might laugh reading all this, may think it's childish. But what do I do. I am this way and I can't do anything about it. I am trying to change myself. Earlier right after I became free of the old and just before falling prey again, I was in an illusion that I have changed. Now I realise, no, I was foolish all the while. I just wish it passes faster this time. Unlike last time. Or may the pain be there to linger on, but with miniscule intensity so that it doesn't affect my regular life.

1/21/2018 10:36:00 pm Share:

Expectations

They ruin everything. Expectations. Desire. In a happy life these terms bring about turmoil with no reason at all.

I would ask you about love, you would probably quote me a sonnet. But you have never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable like me.

Life is way too tough for social animals like human beings at the cost of collective happiness we get from our family and friends.

Everything about human anatomy is great except some of the hormones and their triggering mechanisms (read situations/timings).

The transition from being relevant to being peripheral is hard. Sometimes you wish to have stayed irrelevant from beginning to avoid pain.

At times it feels all the same. The exact same thing happens. And you start questioning yourself about the decision of yours to get along, meet people, form associations in the first place.

Boys are so stupid. We boys/men are so methodical and good at doing almost everything, rationale and reasoning, but we are at the mercy of our stupid brain when it comes to terms of opposite sex and friendship. We are so stupid that when someone talks with us for a few months in a good way, we think there is potential, there is possibility. So much more. But the reality may be different. The other person was just being friendly and all you thought was to get to be with them for the rest of life. How foolish.

Somethings shouldn't bother me,
they absolutely should not,
but still they do.
I am trying to lose those inhibitions,
yet they cling on.

People use you so far you help them, and then when they're out of their bad phase, they've come into their comfort zone, you cease to matter to them anymore. You're pushed down on the priority list.

Detachment is the key to happiness. Desire is the root cause of all unhappiness. Only if dying was easy.

1/09/2018 11:57:00 pm Share: