Never felt this alone in my life so far, as much I am feeling from last two weeks. I don't know whose fault it is. But ultimately the cause is because of me I guess. My wrong decisions and my failure of not being able to keep myself from the wrong. But how does one know. Sometimes they think that it's good, or rather say natural. Why to be a spoilsport. But then...... actually it's all about me.
I wasn't this alone when I was in ghaziabad in the initial days after that happened......neither was I this alone when I was in Bhubaneswar for the same reason......but here...I am totally alone. I feel no purpose in life no matter how much I try to reason and replenish my radical thinking. But it's not happening this time. I was a real fool. I didn't think about this situation, such an over-confidence I had. I hated thia state earlier too, and why not, anyone will hate it. Still my foolishness overtook me.
Sometimes very small things, minutest of things trigger those memories of recent past, the mere sound of a scooter being parked, can make you feel so empty. And in these times you always see people around you in such a way that they constantly remind you of your longing.
I wish I had never moved on. That way I could have stayed away from suffering again. This pain is like having something stuck in the neck all the time, and something causing discomfort in the chest area. Had I not moved on, or I wish it would have taken me two more years to move on, then I would have been saved from this misery. People might laugh reading all this, may think it's childish. But what do I do. I am this way and I can't do anything about it. I am trying to change myself. Earlier right after I became free of the old and just before falling prey again, I was in an illusion that I have changed. Now I realise, no, I was foolish all the while. I just wish it passes faster this time. Unlike last time. Or may the pain be there to linger on, but with miniscule intensity so that it doesn't affect my regular life.
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