Woke up to the dreadful dream again. Although this time the zenith of it was not reached luckily, even though it was in my dream, but I still feel the devastation it would have caused me. How I felt when I came to know it had happened in the dream.
The body feels broken and disintegrated since the morning. As if I am in bits and parts. I can imagine what will happen when it happens for real, which will be soon.
I think I am reaching my doomsday. I feel the urge to call her now, to know my end, to know how it will happen and when it will happen. Hoping to get cured or get the strength to cure myself knowing the upcoming facts. Hoping for a closure. But the eternal dilemma too, whether to disturb her momentum or not, will it be bad for her, will it cause any sort of fluctuation in her flow. I don't want to put a slightest of hiccup in her flow of things, flow of life.
I am not able to be optimistic anymore. I think this is for ever. Once you fall, there's no getting back. What is dreadful is that the willingness to get back up is non existent. It feels like there's nothing left to bounce back to. Just me. Just the smitten me, fallen me, drenched me.
Oh I so wish if things would have been different. If things were mutual.
The irony is, despite all this, I am still so happy to have seen her, been around her bliss in the dream. Breathtakingly beautiful. The charm, the appearance. Magical. The best. It was really so fulfilling to have seen her, in person, be with her, even in those moments of truth and lies.
Lies because luckily she was doing a prank. The real alliance was of someone else. It was just a prank initially to make me mad. All friends from my group were in on it and played along. After knowing I was furious, surprisingly I was so relieved as well. Weird emotions.
8/29/2023 08:00:00 am
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