Dreams and she

Well....sometimes she is there in my dreams but last night was different. She was there like her ususal self, just like old days, trying to grab my neck, hanging her arms around my neck but I pushed her away. I behaved rudely, told her to back off in anger or rather in madness. I still feel bad about it. It's really upsetting to have done that in a dream. It still feels great that at least I was near her in the dream. What great joy would it have been to be the normal selves we were again, but I ruined it by ignoring her. I think I would keep feeling terrible the whole day. I have this feeling of a huge heavy lump stuck in my throat and I am unable to gulp it down.

After I woke up, it felt so upsetting. Like I have done so wrong, such a gigantic mistake and wanted to talk to her immediately. Still thinking of messaging her or calling her. But I don't think I should do that.

It's not that everything will become good again, so what's the point of giving a chance to my pain to grow. But at times, you start feeling an extreme want, to know how she has been, how she is doing, what is going on in her life, is she happy. All that.

I wish I could delete those memories, all those days altogether, erase off meeting this person and whatever happened later on. I wish I could be clean again. Or I have to keep regretting falling for her my whole life. Worst case scenario is the tamil movie 96.

Universe, save me.

11/15/2020 08:46:00 am Share:

Depression?

Writing today after long.....been a while since I posted something. Of late I have a feeling now that my close friends, basically a few of my school friends who are still in touch, might be of the idea that I am depressed. Well one has told me this quite a few times and has asked me to get counselling. But what differs for me is I think my phase/situation/instance is more of a state of being which is not similar to what depression is.

Well I do feel full and enough, and don't have an appetite for life much, but I don't think about the opposite too. I am not that brave. I am totally dependent on the nature or my fate for it. But yes, of course I feel I am done. I just want to get away from everything. The sentiments, the attachments, the obligation, the family, the people, the expectations. I want to be free of all. Devoid, detached.

11/11/2020 09:31:00 pm Share: