Fear and Dread

Of late, these days, after seeing, hearing so many friends, acquaintances, colleagues and people I know getting maaried, it is dawning on me thst the news I have dreaded the past five years may arrive anytime soon. Before that, I just want to ask once, just to know if at all there could be a chance for us. I know it is near to impossible and highly unlikely to even think that one might be still single or not have fallen for someone, but, the heart/mind is what it is. Logic defies it. 

I could have talked, striked that conversation but I have avoided. All because I don't want to cause her remotest of trouble or pain, in case me striking this conversation does it to her. There are so many things to say, but I lack the courage to cause unhappiness to her.

Maybe I should chalk out a plan to ask the dreadful answer's question in such a way that she doesn't realize and takes it casually. I will have to pretend properly, ask without making it sound it as a matter of fact. Well, since I never talked in last 5 years, that might throw off my disguise. 

I hope this paranoia of mine ends. It is affecting sleep too.

12/06/2023 08:17:00 am Share:

Staring the nothing

With every passing day, the dread for the doom enlarges inside me. And these days, almost everyday I am seeing her in my dreams. Those moments and a few minutes after waking up, are the happiest moments of the days. It feels so good being with her, because at that moment it all feels real. 

Love is real. It is. Otherwise how can your body tremble and give you goosebumps when you just think about her face, think about talking to her or just touching her finger? How do you suddenly become so happy and chirpy thinking about talking to her who at the moment might be in a different continent thousands of miles apart? Of course all this can be trashed into the bin of hyper unreal romanticism but isn't that real for some people? Maybe, maybe not, maybe it's all outcome of growing up years surrounded by an environment of movies and books, poetry and prose, people and their talks, everything relating somehow to romantic love or whatnot.

9/24/2023 07:26:00 am Share:

Jee Rahe Hain Kapde Badal Badal Kar

Jee rahe hain kapde badal badal kar

Ek din ek hee kapde mein le jaayenge kandhe badal badal kar.

- unknown

बहुत हसीन सही सोहबतें गुलों की मगर 

वो ज़िंदगी है जो काँटों के दरमियाँ गुज़रे 

- Jigar Muradabadi

Woh jo marne par tula hai,

Usne jee kar bhi to dekha hoga.

- Jaun Elia

Roti hui aankho mein, 

Intezaar hota hai,

Na chahte hue bhi,

Pyaar hota hai.

Kyon dekhte hain,

hum wo sapne,

Jinke tootne par bhi,

unke sach hone ka intezaar hota hai.

Tum pasand aaye yeh ittefaaq tha,

Tum hi pasand reh gaye yeh mohabbat hai.

Ishq se bachiye janaab, 

Suna hai ye badi dheemi maut hai.

Kabhi kabhi alfaaz nahi hote kaifiyat bayaan karne ko,

Bas dil karta hai koi samajh le, sambhaal le, samet le.

Tumhari taareef karna meri majburi nahi, 

Yakeen maano tum kaabil-e-tareef ho.

Jinhein neend nahi aati unhi ko maaloom hai,

Subah aane mein kitne zamane lagte hain.

Uske baad to humne muskurana chor diya,

Dil aisa toota ki dil lagana chor diya, 

Woh dhoondh raha hai zamaane mein mujhse behtar, 

Jiski khaatir humne zamaanaa chorr diya.

Tumhein to zindagi ke har dukh bataye the, 

Tumhara toh haq nahin banta tha dukh dene ka.

मैं चुपके से टूटा था,

गिरता तो शोर हो जाता।

Mohabbat ka pata nahi bas lagaav sa hai,

Jo bhi keh lo, bas behisaab sa hai.

Kehna to bohot kuch tha, 

Par usko khush dekh kar himmat hee nahi huyi.

Kaise kar lete hain log ishq, do chaar ke sath,

Mujhe toh uske baad kisi ka khayaal tak nahi aaya

Mohabbat kisi ki adhuri nahi hoti

Bas kisi dusre se ummeedein hoti hain

Wo poori nahi hoti

9/09/2023 02:13:00 pm Share:

The Scary One Again

Woke up to the dreadful dream again. Although this time the zenith of it was not reached luckily, even though it was in my dream, but I still feel the devastation it would have caused me. How I felt when I came to know it had happened in the dream.

The body feels broken and disintegrated since the morning. As if I am in bits and parts. I can imagine what will happen when it happens for real, which will be soon.

I think I am reaching my doomsday. I feel the urge to call her now, to know my end, to know how it will happen and when it will happen. Hoping to get cured or get the strength to cure myself knowing the upcoming facts. Hoping for a closure. But the eternal dilemma too, whether to disturb her momentum or not, will it be bad for her, will it cause any sort of fluctuation in her flow. I don't want to put a slightest of hiccup in her flow of things, flow of life.

I am not able to be optimistic anymore. I think this is for ever. Once you fall, there's no getting back. What is dreadful is that the willingness to get back up is non existent. It feels like there's nothing left to bounce back to. Just me. Just the smitten me, fallen me, drenched me.

Oh I so wish if things would have been different. If things were mutual.

The irony is, despite all this, I am still so happy to have seen her, been around her bliss in the dream. Breathtakingly beautiful. The charm, the appearance. Magical. The best. It was really so fulfilling to have seen her, in person, be with her, even in those moments of truth and lies.

Lies because luckily she was doing a prank. The real alliance was of someone else. It was just a prank initially to make me mad. All friends from my group were in on it and played along. After knowing I was furious, surprisingly I was so relieved as well. Weird emotions.

8/29/2023 08:00:00 am Share:

Trigger?

Why everything reminds me of you? Still? How? It has been 5 years now and I am still in that past dream? Which never happened, which will never happen. Whatever happened was just a fraction of time, that was so great that the longing remains. That spark. Why are some emotions so strong? When will this feeling go? She's still the present. Will I ever be able to make her my past? 

Today while flipping through my college time's passbook, her name appeared. All those memories came rushing to my mind. How normal everything was. How wholesome and magical. Happy and live. Now it's all empty. Hollow. Light years of just vaccum. I wish if none of that had happened. I wish if I had been somewhere else. I wouldn't have to go through this affliction.

I hope it gets better.

7/31/2023 11:59:00 pm Share:

Situationship

My my......I am bewildered after knowing the meaning of this term 'situationship'. Even the autocorrect features of Chrome or keypad doesn't have this word yet. But looking at it, I wonder, was it what I had. Did you know about this concept back in the day. I don't think so. But whatever be, it seems like you totally nailed the situationship lab session. Or maybe I am overthinking as always. Maybe it was nothing. Just that, typical boys like me take anything and everything as sign of love. Romantic love. And there's no concept for friendly love for old school duffers like me who have heads full of haystack and no gray matter. It has been more than 5 years now. How much more time will it take just to be unfallen? Will the desires ever come back? Will this longing ever end? Will I get cured? Will it get worse? When will the memory erasing pill be out in the market?

I still want good for her. That's the sole reason I haven't contacted her at all (as if she would care 😆). Why to give my negativity and filth to her in any capacity. Any way I was no one before 3rd year of college and I am again no one. A fast-degrading person should not be anywhere around a beautiful, ever cheerful, full of positivity, energizing and playful sunshine. Or it is just a way of escaping away from saying “The grapes were sour, I guess!” 🤣

6/14/2023 10:43:00 am Share:

I shouldn't have gone!

I think I shouldn't have attended my friend's wedding. I don't know why, but I am feeling the suffocation increase day by day. May be not seeing her, not meeting her would have been better. I knew she would be there at the wedding, particularly that was one of the reasons I was so excited about going. Had thought so many things in my mind. Was expecting at least some talk with her. But nothing happened. Any way, that's not the point now. 

I keep thinking about her day and night, weeks and months. When I am on phone, when I am not on phone. When I am watching a movie, when I am not watching a movie. When I am reading a book, when I am not reading a book. Will she ever realize? Does she even know? Can I still make it? Should I even try? Or am I just bracing for this impact lifelong? To bear this forever? 

We would have been such a great pair. But I am not one of those lucky ones. 

I feel I have seen enough. Had enough experiences. There's nothing more to look forward to. I will have no regrets if I go soon. In fact, it would be great to go. It would be peace. At least there won't be anything after that, peace or whatever. Once gone, gone. But going seems welcoming. Liberating.

4/09/2023 03:26:00 pm Share:

Questions for Interview - System Admin/Cloud Ops/Backend systems/Infrastructure

What are repeated issues you have faced and tried to implement a solution to avoid it, basically something significant you implemented that benefited team/app/org?

Best practices for web server, app server, database? Any 5 for each?

Explain TLS vs SSL.

What are cipher suites?

Difference between a domain and zone?

What is LDAP and AD?

How do you use version control?

Can you do ripple restart in Prod?

What is Pod in Kubernetes?

Most commonly used commands in day-to-day work, *Nix and Windows?

What is virtual host?

OOPs concepts?

Web services you have used and difference among them, like Rest, Soap, others?

Different SDLC processes, agile, waterfall, difference, other types?

How a SSL handshake happens?

Commands used in terms of certificate management, import, etc.?

What is hot deployment? Is it okay to do hot deployments in Prod?

What is clustered index and non-clustered index in SQL?

What are the different day to day tasks that you do in SQL?

What are the monitoring tools you have used so far?

Is AD used for authentication or authorization? What is the difference between the two?

What is AD and what is DC. What is the difference between the two?

What is registry? What can we do with it?

What is group policy?

What is cross site scripting (XSS) and how is it different from SQL injection?

Write the code to get the count of each process in PowerShell.

If you are connected to Wi-Fi and change to LAN cable on the same network, will your IP change?

What is DNS? What is DHCP? How are IPs assigned in a network?

What is execution policy in PowerShell? What are the different types of them?

How to run a script when execution policy is set to restricted?

What is blue green deployment?

Do you have any migration experience from on-prem to Azure? What would be the steps to do it?

How do you create virtual host server?

What is kernel?

What is difference between Apache http server and Apache tomcat?

How to install software/app from repository and from package file?

How to create multiple subdomains in a single web server?

What is ITIL? What is its significance and requirement?

What is the significance of different types of brackets in PowerShell?

How does PowerShell commands or scripts work?

How to create user in AD using PowerShell with data from a CSV file?

How would you fetch the OS details of remote server using PowerShell?

How would you map a drive on a remote system using PowerShell?

What is DNS? What is internal and public DNS?

What are different types of records in DNS? What is an SRV record? Is Alias and CName record same?

How would you list all the users or resources in Azure or GCP in the whole organization?

If 16 (x.x.x.x/28) addresses are available on a network, how many more subnets can be created out of it?

What is a managed instance?

How do you force the system to look for IP first on the DNS server then on the system host file?

What are the different troubleshooting approaches or causes of a remote linux not connecting even when it is online and pinging? What could be cause of error "Connection refused"?

What are the challenges you faced while setting up alerts?

What are the different components of an RCA document?

Can you vertically scale a kubernetes cluster or node?

If we do not use Kubernetes and only have docker for running containers, and if a container stops/crashes for some reason, will it start running up again or would you have to start it up manually? What would happen in case of a pod running? What would happen in case of a Kubernetes deployment when the replica is just 1?

How to grant access to Linux server to a friend using private key and how does SSH work?

What is difference between shared vpc and vpc peering?

What are the different types of network load balancers? What does each do?

Major difference between GCP and Azure?

What are the different method we can ensure out app is always running in a VM on GCP?

What is firewall? How to block port 22 on 3 VMs that might not be in same subnet?

How to increase security of your cloud infrastructure?

How to harden images/VMs?

Tell us about a situation where you got a feedback and how you reflected on it. Any negative feedback you got and what you did with it.

4/04/2023 08:29:00 pm Share:

Have I lost you?

Of late, seeing your posts, although I am certain, there was never a chance, I wasn't ever there, but still the question comes, have I lost you? Haha, well I never had you in the first place. Maybe this question is just the rhetorical synthesis of my mind telling me, if I ever had a chance, it's no more there. It's gone. I should accept it now. But when will I be able to accept it. Probably never. Probably not in this lifetime. I hope I do. 

It's just painful. Why is it so hard. Why are the systems like this. Thousands of years of evolution, and still these chemicals make it so damn difficult. There's no reason to set up that high level of mechanism when there's no hope of getting the person one desires. 

Desire seems such a filthy word here. Longing. Yes, that makes more sense than the former. 

There was a point when I used to listen to love songs, because I enjoyed them as well as I believed in the lyrics. Now I’ve reached a point where I can’t get myself to believe that any of it is real. These days no matter how romantic the song or lyrics are, everything feels fake.

These oceans of sorrow, these pools of despair and dejection, this disdain, agony and soreness, would they ever subside. Why do I always think about her. When will it end. Nobody talks about how difficult and heartbreaking distancing from someone you love is, for your own peace and mental health. 

Do I love this person? Yes. 

Do I think about them all the time? Yes. 

Will I ever talk to them again? Hopefully No.

4/03/2023 05:18:00 pm Share:

Itne kareeb ho gaye thay

Itne kareeb ho gaye thay,

Mujhe laga mere ho gaye thay.

Ek hee shakhs ki to baat hai maula,

Saara jahan kis ne maanga hai.

Uske chehre par is qadar noor tha,

Ki uski yaadon mein rona manzoor tha,

Be’wafa bhi nahi keh sakte usko,

Pyaar toh humne kiya, woh toh be-qasoor tha.

Chalo tum saath mat dena,

Mujhe beshak bhula dena.

Naye sapne saja lena, 

Naye rishte bana lena.

Bhula dena sabhi waade, 

Sabhi qasme, sabhi naate.

Tumhe jaan ijazaat hai, 

Jo dil chahe wo sab karna.

Magar ab kisi se kabhi

Adhura pyaar na karna.

Zindagi chain se guzar jaaye,

Wo agar zahen se utar jaaye.

Jo badal jaaye, woh yaar kaisa?

Jo chor jaye, woh saath kaisa?

Log kehte hain, tujhe phir se pyaar hojayega,

Par jo phir se hojaye, woh pyaar kaisa?

Zindagi ko tanha viraano me rehne do,

Ye wafaa ki baatein khayalon me rehne do,

Haqikat me azmaane se toot jaate hain dil aksar,

Ye ishq, dosti aur mohabbat, kitaabon me rehne do.

Tamasha dekh rahe the jo doobne ka mere,

Meri talaash mein nikle hain kashtiyaan le kar.

Mehfil mein chal rahi thi humare qatl ki taiyaari,

Hum aaye toh bolne lage bahot lambi umar hai tumhari.

3/10/2023 05:01:00 pm Share:

Geetha Govindam

There's nothing new to write. But yesterday I watched Geetha Govindam, the telugu movie. After a long time felt happy watching a romcom. There were bits and parts of it that don't happen in real life, especially the coincidences and luck. But boys are like that. The perspective shown is real. Girls too are similar, intricate and super nuanced in their thoughts, making simple things as complex as possible. 

After the movie ended, I felt shattered. I realized how broken I am, beyond repair. 2023 marks five years since her. Still trying to fall out of love with her. Still trying to cure myself. But the feeling are now of hopelessness, of being a lost cause, of being without purpose and a tremendous amount of fear, the fear of losing the chance with her for ever. I know it's not possible, yet in this hopelessness, still I hope if I approach again where would things go. I want to know what I did wrong. I want to know why not me. But I stay back. I am the most Govind one can be, far far away from the Arjun Reddy girls want.

Maybe my too much of Govind-ism is the actual cause. But I have always been like that. I have never been the clingy type. If someone said no, I never follow up. 

The dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and whatever neurotransmitters released during those 2 years, actually 1 year, they have bound me so badly. I just wish if all those could be erased. It's like addiction.

She is happy, may she always be happy.

2/13/2023 09:40:00 am Share:

It felt good

Met her after 5 years. Felt good. Feels like everything is still the same. She is the same, her usual self. Just wish if we had some time to talk. Or at least reminisce the past days.

I quite often open the clock and see what time is it there and then go to whatsapp to see if she's online thinking maybe if I should initiate a conversation. Conversation about the past, the future. Hoping that would help me get better or worse. I don't know. But then I think, what help would it do. More importantly what if it disturbs her or brings her unhappiness in any way. I know I am giving too much importance to myself thinking like this, but this thought just creeps in every time. Why to cause any ripples in her peace.

2/05/2023 11:00:00 pm Share:

Muddat hui hai

Muddat hui hai bichhde hue apne aap se,

Dekha jo aaj tum ko to hum yaad aa gaye

- Saghar Khayyami

Boht kuch kehna tha tum say,

Lekin tum haal na samjhe to baatein kya samjhoge.

Na zakhm bhare, na sharaab sahara hui,

Na wo laute, na mohabbat doobara hui.

Yaad karta hai tujhe aaj bhi vo shaqs,

Jo bhari mehfilon mein aaj bhi tanha hai.

Ek nafrat hee hai jiska yakeen jaldi ho jata hai, 

Warna mohabbat ka yakeen dilaane mein umar hee beet jati hai.

Nahi mila hai koi tujhsa aaj tak mujko,

Aur phir ye sitam alag hai ki mila tu bhi nahi.

Humari naa neend puri huyi,

naa khawab, aur naa mohabbat.

Saari khushiyaan mila kar dekhi hain,

Tere na milne ka gham zyada hai.

Na puchho husn ki taarif hum se, 

Mohabbat jis se hui bas wo haseen hai.

Itni haseen toh na thi zindagi, 

Ke jitni barbaad ho gayi.

Kisi se dil lag jaane ko mohabbat nahi kehte,

Jinke bagair dil na lage usse mohabbat kehte hain.

Hum baney thay tabaah hone ko,

Tera milna to ek bahana tha.

Iss daur ke insaanon mein wafa dhoondh rahe ho,

Badey nadaan ho zeher kee seeshee mein dawa dhoondh rahe ho.

Ranjish hi sahi dil hi dukhaane ke liye aa,

Aa phir se mujhe chhor ke jaane ke liye aa.

Ye mujhe chain kyu nhi parta

Ek hee shakhs tha jahan mein kya?

Mohabbat kya hai, Us insan se pucho

Jisne dil tootne ke bad bhi, Uska intezar kiya hai.

Mere sabr ki inteha kya puchte ho faraz,

Wo mujh se lipat ke royi kisi aur ke liye.

1/24/2023 09:37:00 am Share:

Ek tarfa mohabbat ke qissay mujhe mat sunao

Ek tarfa mohabbat ke qissay mujhe mat sunao,

Maine uske baad khud se bhi muhabbat nahi ki.

Pichhle baras tha khauf, tujhe kho na doon.

Ab ke baras dua hai, tera saamna na ho.

Do ghadi ke saathi ko humsafar samajhte hain,

Kitne puraane hain hum, iss naye zamaane mein.

Na hawas tere jism ki,

Na shauk tere husn ka.

Bin matlab sa ladka hoon,

Teri saadgi par marta hoon.

Khoob yaad rahega ye daur humko,

Kya khoob tarse hain, ek shaks ke liye.

Socha tha ki batayenge tum ko dukh dard apna,

Tumne to itna bhi na poochha ki udaas kyun ho.

Bahut nazdeek aati ja rahi ho,

Bichhadne ka iraada kar liya hai kya.

- Jaun Elia

Jo guzaari na ja saki hum se,

Hum ne woh zindagi guzaari hai.

- Jaun Elia

Woh bhi naye logo mein mashruf ho gayi,

Humne bhi usey hamari yaad dilana chor diya.

- Wajid Shaikh

Tere aane ki ummeed bhi nahin,

Aur tera intezaar bhi khatam nahin hota.

Sher-O-Shaayri to bas dil behlaane ka zariya hai,

Warna lafz kaaghaz pe utaarne se mehboob lauta nahi karte.

Alfaazon ke deewane to bahut milenge dost,

Talaash uski karna jo khamoshi padh le.

Manzil maut hai,

Safar ka mazaa lo.

Bichhad kar phir milenge, yaqeen kitna tha,

Khwaab hee tha magar, haseen kitna tha.

Chalo ab jaane bhi do, kya karoge dastaan sunkar,

Khaamoshi tum samjhoge nahi, aur bayaan humse hoga nahi.

Ye dukh nahi, ke andheron se sulah ki humne,

Malaal yeh hai, ke ab subah ki talab bhi nahi.

- Parveen Shakir

Ishq sukoon bhi deta hai,

Agar sahi insaan se ho toh.

Muhabbat namukammal ho toh bhi

Bhool jaane mein zindagi beet jati hai.

Uske lahje mein barf thi lekin,

Chhu ke dekha to haath jalne lage.

- Amjad Islam Amjad

Meri udaasiyaan tumhein kaise nazar aayengi,

Tumhein dekh kar to hum muskuraane lagte hain.

Hansta to main roz hun,

Magar khush hue zamaana ho gaya hai.

Yeh hamesha hanste muskuraate log,

Zara sa zor se galey lagao to ro dete hain.

Itni zyada aadat mat daalo kisi ki,

Kyun ki andheron me toh saya bhi saath chhor deta hai.

Aur bhi dukh hain zamane mein mohabbat ke siva,

Rahatein aur bhi hain vasl ki rahat ke siva.

- Faiz Ahmed Faiz

Aaj ik aur baras beet gaya us ke bagair,

Jis ke hote hue hote the zamaane mere.

- Ahmed Faraz

Sau bar dil se kaha, chal bhul ja usko,

Har baar dil ne kaha, tum dil se nahi kehte.

Maut hee insaan ki dushman nahi,

Zindagi bhi jaan le kar jayegi.

- Arsh Malsiyani

Jab khwaahishein marr jaati hain,

Toh sirf samjhaute baki reh jate hain.

One of the saddest things is when two people get to know each other inside out, secrets, fears, thoughts, favorite things, what they hate, whatever they love, and then they go back to being strangers. In a blink of an eye, a moment's tragedy becomes a lifetime's misery.

1/13/2023 10:37:00 pm Share: