I think I shouldn't have attended my friend's wedding. I don't know why, but I am feeling the suffocation increase day by day. May be not seeing her, not meeting her would have been better. I knew she would be there at the wedding, particularly that was one of the reasons I was so excited about going. Had thought so many things in my mind. Was expecting at least some talk with her. But nothing happened. Any way, that's not the point now.
I keep thinking about her day and night, weeks and months. When I am on phone, when I am not on phone. When I am watching a movie, when I am not watching a movie. When I am reading a book, when I am not reading a book. Will she ever realize? Does she even know? Can I still make it? Should I even try? Or am I just bracing for this impact lifelong? To bear this forever?
We would have been such a great pair. But I am not one of those lucky ones.
I feel I have seen enough. Had enough experiences. There's nothing more to look forward to. I will have no regrets if I go soon. In fact, it would be great to go. It would be peace. At least there won't be anything after that, peace or whatever. Once gone, gone. But going seems welcoming. Liberating.
4/09/2023 03:26:00 pm
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