The Story

Well now when I am thinking about it, lag raha hai ki hai bhi kya batane ko isme.

College ka 4th sem tha......I had just gotten over school wali jisse kabhi utni baat bhi nhi huyi.....tab bhi college ke 2nd year tak I was trying to get over her. Achha haan......to 4th sem mein this topper girl from class (branch topper too) came to me asking why was I not going on the farewell party of seniors....tab se jo baaton ka silsila shuru hua, fir dosti hui, mulaqatein badhi......padhne lage saath.....deloitte ka ek competition tha usme 2nd round tak gaye saath mein.....fir kaafi achhe dost ban gaye, google developers day programme mein dono saath gaye......is beech shayad main uske dosti ko kuch aur samajh rha tha but uske ishare bhi to lagte the ki kuch aur kahani hai.....anyways it came to a point that we used to sit in class together, be in college together everywhere, lunch or break or after classes ya fir bunking classes.....she had a group of 4, her 2 more girl friends and a boy....and me with another friend of mine.....altogether 6 ka group (or 5 mostly), we used be go everywhere like a gang......movies bhi.....and dheere dheere after classes everyday jab sab ghar ya hostel jaate the after that me and her used to go out......kabhi airport wale boundary pe baith k door kheton ko niharte the....kabhi momo khane chal dete the......kabhi uski window shopping.....kabhi idhar kabhi udhar....sheher mein ghumna.....kabhi library mein saath mein padhna......aur fir uske ghar jaane k baad shaam ko phone pe baatein.....college mein sab sochne lag gaye that we are couple, even teachers jinhe main pasand tha (I was good in OS and Linux wala subject) unhone hum dono ko toka.....padhai mein dhyan do.....(although eisa kuch nahi tha ki we were losing marks in class, bas baatein kuch zyada krte the).....but even then we were just friends......and she used to keep reminding this always whenever after her flirting with me I used to flirt back more, she used to remind that we are just friends......jitni kareeb wo aagayi thi mere aajtak koi aur nahi aaya...she used to ask everything about family, everyone and she knows all, same as she took me to her home so many times, meeting with all her family (she has big family, father's all brothers live together). And among all this so many qualities/nature/characters of ours matched, our thoughts and mindsets were similar about things in life, and yet there were many differences too, in a good way because I have learnt so much from her. Whenever I was with her I was constantly learning, academically or otherwise. 100 baat ki ek baat that I was growing with her, I was so happy with her. She shared about her past, and friends and her mistakes and her love interest, what she was passionate about, what she wanted to do, almost everything. Her constant flirting, caring, I mistook all that for the wrong thing. I thought she too might at least have a small corner somewhere inside her thinking about me or liking me apart from the friendship. By this time I even thought I knew I was wrong, but I had fallen for her. We used talk about trying to get placed in the same city during campus placements, and we did too. Both of us got Hyderabad and we were so happy that day. Also one night around 3 AM she called me and kept crying. No word, nothing, just constant crying. Maybe all this confused me thinking she too was falling for me, but no. Everything became clear in 8th sem during our internship days in Hyderabad. She got super busy even before that, just after getting placed. In Hyderabad too, she was busy with her company work, I used to help as much as I could, whenever she asked. At last one day in February 2018 or March, I went to her place, told her everything by writing a letter. If you read that, so many things will become clear. But in that letter in the end whatever I wrote were lies. Once she told me that she had approached me because she saw me sad and lonely, her friendship was to make me feel happy, her flirting and everything was to make me feel better, nothing more than that. So to avoid her feeling guilty about how her thinking of helping me had actually hurt me since I had fallen in love with her, I wrote that I had misinterpreted her friendship for love, and I would eradicate that feeling and be only friends. But after that I kept avoiding her, as I wasn't and I am not strong enough to be friends with her anymore as I haven't been able to stop this longing for her.

If you read that one blog I wrote after, it will make the story whole. https://subhamram.blogspot.com/2018/09/why.html

11/23/2021 04:18:00 pm Share:

Everything reminds me of her

I didn't think of her the whole day. I didn't do anything that would remotely cause to trigger her memory. But even then I was with her the whole night. Had a very long dream, and she was there again as usual. Needless to say, I was in heaven, enjoying every second of the dream. But it ended as morning approached. And now everything reminds me of her. I am amazed by this brain how it finds some connection with her with almost anything. She had a neice and we used to talk about her, play with her sometimes. And now I have a niece and it all reminds me of her again. 

Although one thing I have to say. These songs, the lyrics, how people write them, it connects so strongly with my situation. Sometimes I just feel how immensely professional the lyrics writers are to bring a tradegy to life in a song with such realistic feelings. Or who knows few are their own stories.

Will this state of being never end for me? Will I always long for her this way? What do I do?

9/06/2021 07:24:00 am Share:

City of Temples

Coming here is painful sometimes. The place where you spent 4 years of your life and has so many other things attached to it. Some places that directly take tou back in time. The wonderful life you had, the amazing time you got to spend with the special someone. All the roads, the destinations of those small trips, the rides and breeze, air on your face. The small discoveries of a good food place or a place to sit or anything. After a long time when you find yourself in the same place, it haunts you. It reminds of what you had and what you don't have anymore.

8/17/2021 09:26:00 pm Share:

A Girl

I am staring at her whatsapp status, looking for if she's online. Of course not, this is 2:24 am in the middle of night. She would probably be asleep. But anyway what's the point, we don't chat. I don't even have her number saved as contact on my phone. It's just a number, I remember it. I yearn to talk to her, but what good would that do. That will just increase my iota of pain. I somehow wish that she would be with me. Although I totally know that she is out of my league and I anyway don't deserve her. But just that the greed to have the amazing time of life I had when I was in her company makes me lure into the idea and fantasy that somehow magically things become the way I want. I know this is absolutely selfish and outright wrong but I can't help it. 

Today is 19 June, a month later than the original post above. Of late I have started fearing if this longing will last for my whole life. Soon it will become Meri Pyari Bindu and 96. I am scared just thinking about it. Maana Ke Hum Yaar Nahi defines my situation in the best possible way. I can't stop it from becoming my reality but I hope I get cured before that happens. I am unsure if I would be able to handle that. 

5/27/2021 02:31:00 am Share:

Bhaang and the state it puts you in

Bhaang or any other recreational substance for that matter is very dangerous. It's not a laughable thing or something that should be taken lightly. If you really want to experience how it feels to be drunk and out of control, have someone near you all the time who is sobre and will remain sobre throughout. Someone that you can trust with your life. There is a huge risk of overdose that might go wrong any moment. People who have never taken it and don't have any experience of it, should always take in very small quantity. Gradually increase but still the safest thing to do is not to take it and not to try being drunk and out of senses.

It's absolutely not recommended to have everyone in the house or room get high at the same time. Because if everyone takes it no matter how much control they have on their minds, these things don't allow your power to work on your brain. You might go to the terrace and jump from there thinking you are in some cloud or dream and nothing of it is real. At times your heart starts racing so hard, you can even feel it beating under you. Everything you feel that time happens in cycles. Your brains works amazingly. At times you feel like you are drowning into a trench or low lying area and at other times you may feel you are flying in vaccum. There is no visual limitation in terms of interpretations that the brain creates in that state. You might see all your thoughts so clearly in your mind. You can browse through them as if it's a catalogue. And the ideas that come to you, they feel unbelievably best. Any idea you get, you feel like that's the best idea in the whole wide world. All those ideas hit you in cycles, one goes another comes. More or less they remain in order. Sometimes you might go into a state of sleep and wake up again. But if you sleep early before the onset of your brain going haphazard, you might be absolutely okay without experiencing any of these dangerous things and might be able to sleep off the whole thing away.

The substance makes your body very slow in terms of time. At times you might feel how much time has gone by, which might feel like a lot. When people speak it takes time for you to understand and interpret their sentences. Also the motor neurons work in a delayed manner or the brain takes time to process signals. You slur, you get slow in hand movement, body movement and finally might fall if you try to walk. That depends on the quantity of the dose you have taken. All in all, it's only good or doable for people who enjoy leaving their brain and body out of control. Not for people who don't want to lose control of themselves.

4/29/2021 08:59:00 pm Share:

Life was never what I wanted it to be

Life was never what I wanted it to be

I wanted peace

I got sorrow

I drove towards wisdom

Got this one thing right

Wanted to be near everyone

Distances kept on increasing

Wanted to learn everything

Career didn't allow

Wanted to be loved

But only I loved

Wanted to teach everyone good

I myself got changed

Life was never what i wanted it to be

I lost my ability to decide

I lost my ability to judge

I lost my ability to learn

I lost my ability to think

I lost the peaceful me

I lost the soulful me

I lost the carefree me

I lost the innovative me

I lost the curious me

Life was never what I wanted it to be

4/28/2021 09:21:00 pm Share:

Worst Nightmare

I think my worst nightmare keeps reworking and making itself worse. I have woken up now and it's 6:30 in the morning. It's been half an hour but my heart is still racing with fear. What I saw, witnessed in this dream, if it comes true, eventually it will, I don't know what I will do then. Just the thought itself is so scary. I thought I am getting better over time, but this is not supposed to be my reaction when that happens. I shouldn't be affected by that.

Will I ever be able to get rid of this? If not then I think I will be in this misery for the larger part of my life. It's not that I don't want a solution, but there isn't anything to be done. All I can do is better myself and clean myself. Get rid of the memories and thoughts and all that. It shouldn't matter to me. It shouldn't effect me. Else it will be a lifetime regret. I should think about it and train myself to not get bothered by it.

Only if I could delete some memories. How selfish this mind is. People are dying right now, everywhere there's chaos and cry for help, and I am thinking about all this. Shame on me. Shame on my longing and desperation. Shame on my restlessness.

4/25/2021 06:56:00 am Share:

Movies and Songs 2

Part 2 of this post. It's been sometime that I wrote about the latest watches of mine. Before I forget let me write them here.

These are some of the very good movies about love and heartbreak. All of these I have enjoyed watching and some of them are as real as it gets. This list is not exhaustive.

96 (Tamil)

Dia (Kannada)

Sir (Hindi)

These are some of the songs (please do not consider the quality/value of video of these songs, just the audio) that are quite emotional and are attached to the same topic as above. Combined with the lyrics and melody/tune, these are really good. This list is not exhaustive.

O Saathi - 

3/24/2021 04:57:00 pm Share:

Time Machine

Kaash waqt mein pichhe lautna mumkin hota, 

Kaash chaahat barabari ki hoti,

Kaash waqt wahin tham jata,

Kaash ye uha poh kabhi na hoti.

Enjoy the time you have, stop worrying about the definitions, the names, the proper nouns, what to call it and all that. All these don't matter when you are in it, enjoying the path. Cherish every moment you still have with them, stop running for it to be told on record. Stop asking for validation. It's beautiful, live every second of it while it lasts.

Last night was bad. It's been 3 years now. When will these high powered memory nights will end. At times like last night, I feel like giving in to the urge of trying to make things as they were. At least the contact part, I feel like I would succumb to the idea of talking to her, communicating. But would that help? Of course not. I have just one fear what if this is to last forever? What if I can never remove her from myself? What if I have to continue this suffering for the rest of my life? I hope I am just not able to gauze the situation correctly, as time will definitely heal all of this and rip me free of her. But, right now, it's scary.

Love is root cause of both excessive happiness and extreme pain for humans.

3/13/2021 11:56:00 pm Share:

Poem

Mere din ke khayalon ka chhoro

Unhe meri raaton ke sapno se bhi fursat nahi hai

Aur kitne din rulayegi ye kambakht yaadein

Inko mere zehen se faramosh hone ki bhi fursat nahi hai

Kya karun un tasveeron ka jo sambhal ke cloud mein rakhin hain

Ab bhi zyada dard ho to nihar leta hoon ek do

Kya unko mita dene se mit jaayenge wo saare vaaqiye

Par unhe meri zindagi se bhi jaane ki fursat nahi hai.

-Subham

ख़ता उनकी कोई भी नहीं थी, शायद हम ही गलत समझ बैठे, 

वो तरस खाकर बात करते थे, हम मोहब्बत समझ बैठे... 

- I don't know who wrote this

कहाँ आ के रुकने थे रास्ते कहाँ मोड़ था उसे भूल जा 

वो जो मिल गया उसे याद रख जो नहीं मिला उसे भूल जा 

वो तेरे नसीब की बारिशें किसी और छत पे बरस गईं 

दिल-ए-बे-ख़बर मेरी बात सुन उसे भूल जा उसे भूल जा 

मैं तो गुम था तेरे ही ध्यान में तेरी आस तेरे गुमान में 

सबा कह गई मेरे कान में मेरे साथ आ उसे भूल जा

-Amjad Islam Amjad

1/27/2021 08:42:00 am Share:

Shayari Collection 3

Duniya se to jhooth bataya ja sakta hai

Lekin dil kaise samjhaya ja sakta hai

Tanha logon, deewarein to sun leti hain

Deewaron ko haal sunaya ja sakta hai

Umr lutayi ja sakti hai ek lamhe par

Ek lamha taa-umr chalaya ja sakta hai

Dil sehra mein sadiyon se ek veerani hai

Tum aao to sheher basaya ja sakta hai

Tumse milkar itni to ummeed hui hai

Is duniya mein waqt bitaya ja sakta hai

Kayi dino ke baad tumhari yaad aayi hai

Kayi dino tak kaam chalaya ja sakta hai

Aye khwabida aankhein palke band hee rakhna

Warna sara kamaa kamaaya ja sakta hai

- Manoj Azhar

हमेशा दिल में रहता है कभी गोया नहीं जाता 

जिसे पाया नहीं जाता उसे खोया नहीं जाता 

कुछ ऐसे ज़ख़्म हैं जिन को सभी शादाब लगते हैं 

कुछ ऐसे दाग़ हैं जिन को कभी धोया नहीं जाता 

अजब सी गूँज उठती दर-ओ-दीवार से हर-दम 

ये ख़्वाबों का ख़राबा है यहाँ सोया नहीं जाता 

बहुत हँसने की आदत का यही अंजाम होता है 

कि हम रोना भी चाहें तो कभी रोया नहीं जाता

- आलम ख़ुर्शीद

1/14/2021 09:29:00 pm Share: