I think my worst nightmare keeps reworking and making itself worse. I have woken up now and it's 6:30 in the morning. It's been half an hour but my heart is still racing with fear. What I saw, witnessed in this dream, if it comes true, eventually it will, I don't know what I will do then. Just the thought itself is so scary. I thought I am getting better over time, but this is not supposed to be my reaction when that happens. I shouldn't be affected by that.
Will I ever be able to get rid of this? If not then I think I will be in this misery for the larger part of my life. It's not that I don't want a solution, but there isn't anything to be done. All I can do is better myself and clean myself. Get rid of the memories and thoughts and all that. It shouldn't matter to me. It shouldn't effect me. Else it will be a lifetime regret. I should think about it and train myself to not get bothered by it.
Only if I could delete some memories. How selfish this mind is. People are dying right now, everywhere there's chaos and cry for help, and I am thinking about all this. Shame on me. Shame on my longing and desperation. Shame on my restlessness.
4/25/2021 06:56:00 am
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