Music and Songs trigger something

It is 10 am in the morning and a Sunday. I am having my breakfast and while reading the newspaper I hear an old song (this is the song Soniye Hiriye Teri Yaad Aandi Hai) playing in the kitchen. Suddenly I start getting goosebumps and all those memories and feelings start flushing in my mind around the time of the song it was released or was popular/relevant or it could be time around when I had heard the song for the first time or thereafter on frequent basis. Actually when a song is released or gains mainstream popularity, that is the time it is played most of the times and in most of the places. During those times of life, that song gets etched in the mind with the feelings you were going through at that time, the events of your life among so many other things. The same thing I have noticed about infrequent smells or unique smells. They bring back memories and emotions of the time you have felt them the most.

Maybe this connection with music and songs like I experience is not that common among people or maybe I am the only one with whom this happens, but it is quite fascinating to see my body responding to such stimulus in that strong a way. Or is it because this song of today morning that I am writing about for instance, is one of those times that I was in the realms of my initial butterfly-in-the-stomach days (😀 I leave on you to guess what's the obvious days of one's life I am referring to😃). Or it could also be due to the nature of the song and it lyrics being absolutely in sync with the period of life that I was going through at that time.

But no matter what, it's really strong with all the goosebumps and moist eyes. And this has happened with me many a times with so many of the other songs. This behaviour is not just limited to old times songs or songs of your childhood or teenage. It happens even now when you hear a song that you may or may not have heard recently or a new release, and the song has moving lyrics with melodic/haunting music/tune or is in perfect jibe with the theme of the song. You relate to the song such strongly and the same thing happens. You feel pain in the chest, body shudders upon the thoughts of the song's lyrics.

This human body is truly marvellous. It never ceases to amaze with its styles of functioning and prowess or the fact that we have a brain that contemplates, appreciates and even gets surprised by it's own existence and functioning.

12/15/2019 11:28:00 am Share:

All at once.

What is it about nights that bring you all the memories of past. What is it about nights that remind me of all the voids that have been created. And why am I calling them voids. Is it because till the time I had them they were so obvious that now I miss them. Not all the same though, because for family you start taking them for granted, it is quite common. But her, I never took her for granted.

The strange thing is I am writing about her here as if she too is in the same state as others I am talking about here. No, actually not at all. It's absolutely wrong of me to make it seem so. I would never even in my dreams think of her to be in that state physically/actually. But the point I am trying to make here is it's almost like them what she is for me now.

It's bad that I am putting her at the same spot, but I can't seem to think of it as any other analogy. In fact it's the same. The only difference is that this state that I have made of her in my viewpoint is totally my deed. And it's artificial. But for the other two nothing can be done. It's nature or whatever they say about it. Death.

Why did it have to happen all at once. 2016 and 2017 they went. And I made 2018 her last for me. But was it not because of her I did so. Probably not. It's all my fault. It's me who fell for her. It's me who read all the wrong signs, or interpreted them wrong. It's me who keeps repeating the same mistakes.

And my whining continues.......just like a zillion times. But it's still painful. All that has happened. All of them. All in such short span of time. Hope I heal soon.

9/03/2019 01:46:00 am Share:

Kabir Singh

Of all things I feel, it feels sickening sad about how the whole thing has turned out. The same as I was apprehending when I first heard that they're making the movie into Hindi.

I had watched Arjun Reddy for the starting 20 minutes or so last year (January 2018), reluctantly with continued insisting from a so-called-then-recently-made friend (office colleague, happened to be from my college). Although after the initial 20 minutes or so, I finally decided to stop torturing myself and got off his room from watching that horrible movie. He had been praising that movie from the past couple of days and claimed to have watched it numerous times by then. He had been singing all about how the movie was a super blockbuster in Telugu.

And now after actually seeing that the movie has been made and released for a pan Indian viewing with the Hindi version, I am more disheartened with the realisation that how people are in real, even at places of power and responsibility. Last year itself after watching that small portion of Arjun Reddy I had searched vigorously about the reviews or protesting of the movie. Thank God that I found a few articles at least acknowledging how wrong the movie was. That gave me a little relief. But having come here to Hyderabad at the same time, I was listening to all sorts of people going Gaga over the it.

I feel so sad seeing my close friends fail to understand what is wrong with the movie. Them asking me or discussing with others casually about why so much of controversy about the movie. Listening to arguments like it's just a fictional movie. That there have been plenty of movie like these made in the past. That it's just the director's portrayal and his perspective. I am tired of explaining and arguing with reasoning. It's a pity and shocking truth that the movie has become such a massive hit.

Forcefully taking something and giving it the name of love, or raw love, or intense love, or pure love, or whatever adjectives they're adding to it can never be justified. The irony is what is shown as love is actually the opposite of what it is. Or maybe I know nothing about love. And in real life if people like Preeti (Kiara Advani) exist, then they should definitely be killed. It is absolutely not sin or wrong in eliminating such a person because of whom a movie like Kabir Singh can be un-apologetically glorified.

Lost all faith on superstars like Shahid Kapoor as he says in an interview what he believes about the character. And so is Kiara. Hats off to people like Sandeep Reddy Vanga.

https://www.outlookindia.com/website/amp/entertainment-news-opinion-why-kabir-singh-scares-so-many-of-us/332913

7/01/2019 11:18:00 pm Share:

Friendship and Love

Love overpowers the friendship because the pain you have to handle outweighs the friendship you're losing. So you choose to stay away. At least that's what I did. Although just as she said, kabhi kabhi lagta hai kaash sab jaisa tha waisa hee rehta. The whole thing is so relatable, it felt as if she's speaking my story.

And Professor Snape, is one hell of a man to give up his whole life just because of love. 

I always envy people who get over so soon. I badly feel the need to have such powers to move on so fast. If at least not in weeks then perhaps in months. Not unlike me who takes years or forever to move on. 

😀😁

5/26/2019 10:25:00 am Share:

GoT ended!

Game of Thrones ended same as so many other good stuff. But it also achieved the same feat as other good ones. I always wanted and thought of Jon sitting on the iron throne to rule the realm. As he would have been perfect in doing so. But no, it didn't happen.

I so badly was in love with the thought of Harry and Hermione being together. The ever perfect couple. Harry with his extraordinary bravery and goodness paired with the best girl Hermione. She was perfect for Harry and they both were so close to each other, always there for one another. But it didn't happen.

I felt so disheartened again today. These are all fictional characters but somehow I feel for them. This is the reason I consider this weak trait of mine, me being a hyperemotional fool.

And Jon killing Daenerys just like that was brutal. Even to think on Jon's part to do this would have been the most difficult thing to do in his whole life. All the great characters in GOT deserved way better verdict than what season eight did to them. All the seven seasons are on one side with great moments and this last season is totally opposite to what GOT had achieved. I feel disappointed.

But all this was fictional right. So whatever happened happened. Let the bygones be left. Tomorrow's a better day.

5/20/2019 10:35:00 pm Share:

A Question

Today while travelling on this train, at this moment, a thought crossed my mind. When I know, my brain knows that that person is gone, actually she never was there, even after this realisation that what I had believed was false and untrue, and isn't possible anyway, why is the longing still here? Doesn't the so called evolved human brain calculate this simple thing that still feeling the same for her is not required anymore. There is no need of any goosebumps or pain as it is well understood that there's nothing for it. Neither can it bring that person close or together, or make her feel how I do. Neither can it throttle me into any action that can make her feel so. They say there's reason for our every body action, reaction, voluntary and involuntary. Then why this secretion of chemicals that cause this feeling, the emotion and the pain?

Day before yesterday, she was all over my dreams. For such long dreams, again and again. Everytime with a new storyline. I felt so so happy waking up that morning because right after you wake up from a dream for some moments you're still in it and it feels real. It was absolutely great to  see her, just be like we were. Divulging the details of the dream is unnecessary here. Although it was good.

5/01/2019 10:06:00 pm Share:

No recovery soon

I don't remember the last call. Maybe it was in November. Or October perhaps. Having considered that, it's been five months since we talked but even then when I saw her name flashing through the screen just a few minutes back, my heart was racing like a bullet train. All that rush and fast beats and shivering too. And I was so nervous to talk. It felt so so good to talk to her. To know she remembers.

In a way our magic started on this very day two years ago. The reason for this call is because today is my birthday. And even as fifteen minutes have passed since the call ended my hands are still trembling. Although I feel so happy that she called. But the sad part is I had to be  mean with her, say that I didn't care, to make it more eminent to her that I don't want to talk to her (absolutely for my own good, selfish me). I don't think she ever got it. Actually she doesn't even understand what I am going through, and I don't tell her because I don't want to upset her or make her feel bad. I have always tried to make her know that I want to completely erase her (for time being at least) in the most subtle way so that it doesn't hit her in anyway if at all. Today also I did the same, dropped enough hints.

Hope she comes to know someday, somehow. Today I realised I am far from being clean and cured. Whole night (today slept at 4 in morning and got up at 9 am) I kept dreaming and she was there in it all the time. And it felt so good when I woke up thinking all that old things and strong longing for her.

How much more time. When will it end. Still looking to get my sanity back.

4/07/2019 10:33:00 am Share:

Help on moving on over Love

Getting over and moving on from Love

Over the years I have searched and collected the sources I will be sharing today that might be useful for people to get better after their initial realisation. The sole aim of this post is to help you deal with your condition better when you have been in love or are in love and have lost or are losing everything to it. These sources of knowledge/information/facts might help you lessen the pain and help you come to terms with reality a little bit more.

The Ted talk The brain in love by Helen Fisher is about the mechanism and working of the concept of love. The biological technicalities that happen during the process and deeper details on it.

It will help to come to terms with the fact that it's all reality. It is actually there whatever is happening, and not some Bollywood and popular fiction myth that's going around for decades.


This TedX talk Can We Choose to Fall Out of Love? by Dessa gives a working example of her own life that how much knowing about this process of love and it's aftermath, it's working can help one get over it. This is perfect because Dessa one of the few people, just like me who takes a hell lot of time to get over love. The first time it happened to me, after the discovery that only I had the feelings for her and not she, it took me a total of 5 years to fully get over her. Also it is much more relatable to me because I had fallen in love both times with someone who never felt the same towards me. First was never that close, we were classmates, not even friends, or barely qualified as friends. The second came so close to me that I myself didn't know when all that happened and later I realised that I had never had anyone in my life come that close to me, not even my family. The connection was magic. Sorry, I deviated into my own story.

Dessa here actually quotes the earlier Ted talk by Helen in her speech and how it gave her the idea of doing the experiment.


This Ted talk How to fix a broken heart by Guy Winch is about how to get on with the past, lose away the negativity and bad things that come once you're in that situation and are dealing with it.

Guy says the things that are important to be done in order to overcome the strong feelings, that destroys one's everyday of their life. But to do these things is also quite difficult. One thing that is core to all the points is detaching yourself from the person of interest completely. And this is also the recurring marquee that is present in the next videos as well.


This TedX talk Love and heartbreak in the new India by Dr. Shyam Bhat is totally inclined to Indian context even though the matter that we are talking about here is universal and the same things come into picture globally in matters of love. Although it's eye-opening for a common average Indian who goes through unrequited love like me or breakup from an ongoing relationship.

Dr Shyam says all the things that actually happen during heartbreak, absolutely true. How it actually feels during the phase and after it. The gist is that heartbreaks cause actual pain just as one gets pain when physically hurt. It is deadly too and can kill. That pain is real and we have to understand and accept it. Just like a wound takes time to heal, this too shall take it's own time to heal. This video is totally relatable to my second stunt at love, the present one and I hope the last too. Because this time we were friends.

This last source is a very famous channel ASAP Science video How To Get Over Your Ex. It's a short video having all the above points consolidated into one.

Having said all that I know how difficult it is to actually make it happen. To finally get over, move on and again become the soulful, happy and enthusiastic self that one was earlier. I don't know how many can relate to what I have tried to tell here. If you're one of the victim, hope it helps you. 

I am a bit scared to say but I might be developing Takotsubo cardiomyopathy in me, I hope I am healed soon enough.

Good Luck!

2/24/2019 11:21:00 pm Share:

Zindagi - Life

I am fed up of life now. What growing up has given me and what it has taken away are the things I would never want to take and give away.

In the job, in office, in the places of public interest, in the industry, in the ministries, in the country, everywhere, people are just lying with the sole purpose of making their life better, saving as much as they can, grabbing as much as they can, losing as less as they can. They're using every tactic they can apply to just make their life a little more better. But they don't care about the cost it comes with, they don't bother about the ramifications of their action on others in doing so.

The exact same thing is also present even at family, our own home, within our own relatives. The race to succeed and lose as less as possible. To better first own selves and then think about others. At some of the areas, it even feels that they are rightly so in what they're trying to achieve, at least for the family. But isn't it because we have grown up and we don't anymore think like a child. The selfless or innocent being that once we were.

In all this I have started hating people altogether. I start thinking that if this is what I had to deal with after growing up, I was better off a child. The world that I have to deal with in life is not what I want. It was so simple as a child comparing with what an adult is supposed to face. I am one of those beings who sucks at politics and diplomacy. I am supremely bad at lying about things you are supposed to lie about when you're an adult dealing with relatives or co-workers.

And you have to constantly decide what is good for you. People will keep trying to manipulate you. This was true even for the childhood, but the stakes are sky high here compared to what it was in childhood.

I hate life. I hate having grown up. I hate to deal with the things life is throwing at me. And probably will keep throwing. I think I am an escapist. I feel I am done. I want to be a child. I want this life to end or to be in a state not having to deal with all this drama.

2/07/2019 09:54:00 pm Share:

Some lines

Some Lines - चंद पंक्तियाँ

सावन में रुत ना बरसी, न बसंत फूल लाया

तेरे प्यार में तेरे बिन ऐसा भी साल आया

                                                         - Neelesh Misra

उलझनें क्या बताऊँ तुझे ज़िन्दगी की

तेरे ही गले लगकर तेरी ही शिकायतें करनी हैं

                                                         - Piyush Mishra

मेरा ग़म का खज़ाना है, तेरे पास मुस्कराहट

अपना जो है ले जाओ, मेरा जो है दे जाओ

                                                         - Neelesh Misra

लगता है आज ज़िन्दगी कुछ खफा है

चलिए छोड़िये कौन सी पहली दफा है

                                                         - Gulzar

टूटे हुए दिल से मुस्कुराना इश्क है

उसकी ख़ुशी के लिए उसे ही भूल जाना इश्क है

                                                         - Anonymous

बैठ तेरे सामने सोचा किये

शाम ज्यादा ख़ूबसूरत है की तू

                                                         - Neelesh Misra

दर्द हो दिल में तो दवा कीजिये 

दिल ही जब दर्द हो तो क्या कीजिये

                                                         - Mirza Ghalib

हमारे मन के कमरे में, यूँ एक मंज़र अनोखा हो 

हवा की तेज़ लहरें हों, कहीं पानी का झोंका हो 

और एक लम्हे की कश्ती पे, कुछ इस तरह तू बैठी हो

वही मेरी हकीकत हो, वही नज़रों का धोखा हो

हमारे मन के कमरे में, यूँ एक मंज़र अनोखा हो 

                                                         - Neelesh Misra

चुप रहो तो पूछता है खैर है

लो, ख़ामोशी भी शिकायत हो गयी

                                                         - Akhtar Ansari Akbarabadi

उसको मालूम कहाँ होगा, क्या खबर होगी

वो मेरे दिल के टूटने से बेखबर होगी

वक़्त बीतेगा तो ये घाव भर भी जायेंगे

पर ये थोड़ी सी तो तकलीफ़ उम्र भर होगी

                                                         - Neelesh Misra

ये कैसा नशा है

मैं किस अजब खुमार में हूँ

तू आ के जा भी चुकी है

मैं इंतज़ार में हूँ

                                                         - Muneer Niyazi

अपनी यादों से कहो एक दिन की छुट्टी दे मुझे

इश्क के हिस्से में भी इतवार होना चाहिए

                                                         - Munawwar Rana

2/03/2019 08:50:00 pm Share:

My Dream Phone

I wish we could buy assembled mobile phones just as we have assembled PCs. I feel this because nowadays it's very difficult to find a phone that would have the specs you would want it to have. For me it has become difficult.

I wish there was a phone available in the market with the specs I want it to have. A phone with the body dimensions not more than 5 inches. Battery 5000 mAh. Either internal memory 64 GB or a dedicated external microSD card slot. Any one among the two would suffice. Dual SIM 4G of course. RAM at least 3 GB. These are the main concerns. Rest all can be made up.

I don't find a phone with above specs available so far. Either I have to compromise on the dimensions as manufacturing companies have started inflating phone sizes to the extent of making them tablets or the battery given is around 3000 mAh. I hope someday they will make this.

1/20/2019 12:01:00 am Share:

यादें - The memories

किसी इंसान को पूरी तरह भूल जाना कितना मुश्किल हो सकता है? अगर इस बात को आप सोचें तो अधिकांश लोगों को लगेगा कि ये क्या बेकार की बात है। कुछ नहीं होता किसी को भुलाना। सब बेवजह बेफ़िज़ूल की दिखावट है।

काश यह सच होता। हम कितनी गहराई तक पहुँच जाते हैं किसी इंसान के साथ। पर ये यादें ही तो हैं जो सबकुछ ले आती हैं। जिन चीजों को आप भूलना चाहते हैं वही ले आती हैं ये यादें।

मैं असल में ज़्यादा कुछ चाहता नहीं था उससे। बस इतना था कि मुझे उसकी ज़रूरत थी। बस जैसे थी वो मेरे साथ, जिस तरह से पेश आती थी बस वैसे ही। ना तो मैंने कभी भविष्य चाहा ना ही उससे भी आगे का कुछ और। ये बात अलग है कि अगर वो भी हो जाये तो कुछ बुरा नही पर वो तो फिर किस्मत से कहीं ज़्यादा मिल जाने की बात होगी।

मैं तो जो था उसी से खुश था सिर्फ एक और चीज़ के अलावा। मैं चाहता था कि वो भी कह दे कि जो मुझे लग रहा है या जो मेरे साथ हो रहा है वो उसके साथ भी हो रहा है और उसे भी ऐसा ही लग रहा है। लेकिन ये बस मेरा एक वहम ही तो था। ना तो उसे मेरे जैसा कुछ एहसास हो रहा था ना ही ये सब कुछ उसके लिए मेरे जैसा था।

गलतफहमी तो शुरुआत से ही मेरी थी। मुझे शुरु में ही खुद को संभाल लेना चाहिए था। कितनी अजीब बात है ना कि आप उन्हीं चीजों से पहले भी गुज़र चुके हैं और तब सबक लेकर ये भी स्थिर किया था कि दुबारा यही गलती दोहरानी नहीं है। फिर भी सब कुछ धरा का धरा रह जाता है।
I wish things wouldn't have been like this.

I get so tempted at times. Just to talk once. And except the time I am at work, she's constantly there in my foreground or background, through and through, day and night.

It hurts. She probably must have forgotten me by now. Sometimes I see her WhatsApp DP. She's good. I wish her the best. And happiness.

1/17/2019 01:48:00 am Share:

Dreams

I am talking about both the dream. Those that you watch while asleep and those that you have when wide awake. And if both of them meet a common ground, then that situation becomes difficult if it's not achievable.

Today also was again the dream so real, so possible, that the whole day I will not be able to brush it aside. It's so real that it could have been one of those old days spent together just an year back. The group we always used to be everywhere. Be it college (of course) or outside. And the central theme being what I could have ever wanted.

I was upset with her due to something and she was there to pursue me in all the childish ways possible. Running around the venue. The place was sort of a Mushaira where both Gods were present, the Hindu too. And the shayar was rendering very beautiful couplets catering to the mixed audience. At times it even felt like it was a Jagrata on Navratra.

Everything around seemed festive with decorations and lights. Among all this we were four friends from our group. Me alone and she with the rest two, trying to constantly follow me around. Sometimes we ran, sometimes we hid. But finally they caught me and used the most brutal weapon upon me. The weapon from which I can never veer off. She started tickling me on my stomach and with that I was done. We went back happily together, pulling each other's leg.

I wish it happened in real, if not this then something similar. Or I wish I stop seeing her in dreams this often.

1/11/2019 09:50:00 am Share:

The Incessant Reminder

No matter how much I try to keep myself busy, immersed in anything from work to experiments, songs to stories, singing and recording to movies, visiting or walking outside on the roads, in everything I do there is a constant coming back, there's a constant reminder. Everywhere you see people, you see the same things and you're reminded of it again.

May it be photos or real people, the more you try to avoid somebody, the more they prop up in your stance. And it's there always in my mind. In fact it's there all the time. Even in my subconscious, in my sleep, in my dreams. Even now after such long (almost a year now) I am frequently seeing her in my dreams. And in those dreams everything is as happy, as normal as it could have been. Nor even an ounce of what reality has offered me.

At this point I just want it to get over. I just want to be in a place where I am not reminded of her in any angle, nor a drop or photon of it. I want to be disconnected to the point where even the farthest related person to her or someone who could bring her mention in anyway, remains off of me. But that cannot be possible as how to tell them no avoid them without having any reason for it. Because they too are my friends and it's difficult.

I wish it ends sooner than I think it will take to end. Past experience tell me tow more years to completely get out of this clean. But two years is a very long time to pass in this state of mine. I hope my forecast is wrong in this case. I also wish for her happiness.

1/01/2019 01:38:00 pm Share: