Decision

When my friends are facing decisions to whether go for Infinity War in Cinepolis or PVR, I am facing decisions that are huge on responsibilities, on which the lives of people depend. I am expected to take decisions that if not taken the correct one, I am going to regret for the rest of my life. Why was I chosen to be in all this. I didn't want any of this. Why so early. Why did he have to leave me. Why did he have to marry the wrong person. Why did all this happen.
At the time when my friends are travelling the country, having fun, taking tension of their love life, I am supposed to make decisions that will impact my whole life. Responsibilities that are unknown as I have never taken them.

Going off to a very different topic, why doesn't a day go without you coming into my thoughts. Why the constant rebellion to all my wishes. Why the ever presence of you in my conscious and unconscious self. Why did it happen. For a very small amount of time of happiness, I don't deserve this long interval of the opposite. I want it to end soon.

4/24/2018 08:01:00 pm Share:

Control

We humans are quite mistaken about the prospects of us being in control of our actions, feelings, happenings and circumstances. But it may be very minute, the number of times of us being correct in that regard is surprisingly miniscule.
Even in situations when we know that something is wrong, that may lead to a bad thing, something that you are going into will lead to a wrong occurrence, even then we may still do it. We actually lack the control towards certain things and involuntarily we fall into that. We regret it only when we are past our actions. At the time of happening, we seem to enjoy it, unknowingly grow it, leading to the regret later, no matter the fact you you already knew at the beginning that it was wrong. And then the circumstances, they will lure you, they will show you things that you want to see.

But you need to see through the haze. Then only one can remain happy and relevant later. At that moment due to the overwhelming environment one may get delusional, but to stay on path definitely has its perks.
Satyajit Ray's this work Charulata is also an original story by Rabindranath Tagore. Human life, relations and their portrayal at its best. Half into the film you will feel really happy. Seeing how Amal is, you will feel joy. Later on, you will get to see what wrong is going on. But that's my perspective, this may not be wrong for someone else. Even a part of me feels it wasn't Charu's fault. But since in the beginning I said that tend to lose control.
I am feeling confused now. Better stop writing. :P

3/17/2018 04:10:00 pm Share:

Realisation

There is a short story by Rabindranath Tagore named The Postmaster. Satyajit Ray had made a movie about the same story as a tribute to Rabindranath. These poets, authors, directors, filmmakers, creative people experience life and weave them into such simple stories. There is so much to derive from those. We as people are always hungry for a little love, a little care and we start building a world of our own, going into a fallacy of our own that we start associating our life to the people who showered affection on us for even a brief period of time. We tend to totally go away form the reality that their own being is separate from our own. We expect and assume that we have become part of their life. But no, that's a mere mirage. How can it be possible? People will anyway be how they are. Just a few moments of adulation was on their part, not that it makes you a permanent acquaintance of them.

We need to realise this at the start of anything. During and even at the end. Because there always be an end if there was a start. We need to stay on the ground. No matter how beautiful or fulfilling it may seem. But the underlying reality will always prevail. We should avoid ourselves from becoming emotionally depended. It may not seem to be a big problem at the start, but later the harsh truth comes. It would be a little easy to live life that way.
A beautifully done work of a legend — Teen Kanya - The Postmaster.

3/05/2018 10:54:00 pm Share:

Just Like That

Earlier I used to think what to write. Now it's more of a vent, to let out things. I watched a movie called Ankhon Dekhi. It's one of those movies that make you think about it even after you've watched it and long after that you think about it. Today I realised that the people that talk about these kind of movies being parallel cinema or coining terms like art-house films must also understand that some people are watching movies not because of the cinematic experience they provide, but because of the acting, the direction, the screenplay, he accent of actors, the scenes and production design, the story above all. It can be safely assumed that most of the people consuming media on smaller mediums like a 5 inch mobile phone screen or a 14 inch laptop are not seeing it because of the cinematic appeal the movie provides but because of the viewpoint the movie is about or the story.

Otherwise there would be no one watching classics of Satyajit Ray or Amitabh Bachchan or any legend for that matter. I am not saying that those films don't have cinematic brilliance, of course they do, but most of them aren't in a position to compare themselves with the modern ones since the old prints are not that good anymore. And even if they are, they are preserved in places where normal people don't have access to.

Thank you Rajat Kapoor.

3/04/2018 03:48:00 pm Share:

Alone

Never felt this alone in my life so far, as much I am feeling from last two weeks. I don't know whose fault it is. But ultimately the cause is because of me I guess. My wrong decisions and my failure of not being able to keep myself from the wrong. But how does one know. Sometimes they think that it's good, or rather say natural. Why to be a spoilsport. But then...... actually it's all about me.

I wasn't this alone when I was in ghaziabad in the initial days after that happened......neither was I this alone when I was in Bhubaneswar for the same reason......but here...I am totally alone. I feel no purpose in life no matter how much I try to reason and replenish my radical thinking. But it's not happening this time. I was a real fool. I didn't think about this situation, such an over-confidence I had. I hated thia state earlier too, and why not, anyone will hate it. Still my foolishness overtook me.

Sometimes very small things, minutest of things trigger those memories of recent past, the mere sound of a scooter being parked, can make you feel so empty. And in these times you always see people around you in such a way that they constantly remind you of your longing.

I wish I had never moved on. That way I could have stayed away from suffering again. This pain is like having something stuck in the neck all the time, and something causing discomfort in the chest area. Had I not moved on, or I wish it would have taken me two more years to move on, then I would have been saved from this misery. People might laugh reading all this, may think it's childish. But what do I do. I am this way and I can't do anything about it. I am trying to change myself. Earlier right after I became free of the old and just before falling prey again, I was in an illusion that I have changed. Now I realise, no, I was foolish all the while. I just wish it passes faster this time. Unlike last time. Or may the pain be there to linger on, but with miniscule intensity so that it doesn't affect my regular life.

1/21/2018 10:36:00 pm Share:

Expectations

They ruin everything. Expectations. Desire. In a happy life these terms bring about turmoil with no reason at all.

I would ask you about love, you would probably quote me a sonnet. But you have never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable like me.

Life is way too tough for social animals like human beings at the cost of collective happiness we get from our family and friends.

Everything about human anatomy is great except some of the hormones and their triggering mechanisms (read situations/timings).

The transition from being relevant to being peripheral is hard. Sometimes you wish to have stayed irrelevant from beginning to avoid pain.

At times it feels all the same. The exact same thing happens. And you start questioning yourself about the decision of yours to get along, meet people, form associations in the first place.

Boys are so stupid. We boys/men are so methodical and good at doing almost everything, rationale and reasoning, but we are at the mercy of our stupid brain when it comes to terms of opposite sex and friendship. We are so stupid that when someone talks with us for a few months in a good way, we think there is potential, there is possibility. So much more. But the reality may be different. The other person was just being friendly and all you thought was to get to be with them for the rest of life. How foolish.

Somethings shouldn't bother me,
they absolutely should not,
but still they do.
I am trying to lose those inhibitions,
yet they cling on.

People use you so far you help them, and then when they're out of their bad phase, they've come into their comfort zone, you cease to matter to them anymore. You're pushed down on the priority list.

Detachment is the key to happiness. Desire is the root cause of all unhappiness. Only if dying was easy.

1/09/2018 11:57:00 pm Share:

Life Was Never What I Wanted It To Be

Life was never what I wanted it to be

I wanted peace I got sorrow

I drove towards wisdom

Got this one thing right

Wanted to be near everyone

Distances kept on increasing

Wanted to learn everything

Career didn't allow

Wanted to be loved

But only I loved

Wanted to teach everyone good

I myself got changed

Life was never what I wanted it to be

I lost my ability to decide

I lost my ability to judge

I lost my ability to learn

I lost my ability to think

I lost the peaceful me

I lost the soulful me

I lost the carefree me

Life was never what I wanted it to be

12/14/2017 09:04:00 pm Share:

A few Lines

Why do I feel sorrow.
Why does it feel hollow.
Is it just because she's hurt.
Or my heart is in confused dirt.

The mind says to withdraw
The compassion disagrees
This longing is for what.
I can't figure out.

Things are always complicated.
When will they be simple.
I hate this state of confusion.
Is there really a solution.

Am I doing the right thing
Am I doing really anything
Or everything is on its own
And I just go with the tone.

Sometimes I feel I am stupid.
I know nothing about cupid.
All this is for the first time
I am a noob in this dime.

But is it even real
The feel that it's surreal
Might be my misinterpretations
And my own false ideation.

6/02/2017 11:16:00 pm Share:

It's Strange!

I am confused and scared about what is happening to me. Is it happening again? Or is it happening for the first time because it never happened earlier? Or is it not what I think it is? It's just a few hours and I am missing the conversation/voice. How can this happen. When I think of post exam time, how will it be? How will I be able to sustain. Is it even real? Or just a play of some biological components? It's enjoyable but doesn't this kind of craving even for conversation mean that it's not the real thing, just a phase thing that has many names around. Moreover how can so many things match and yet many don't? I don't think it's this easy and accessible, right in front of you, to get the traits, qualities, characters and frequency you have been looking for, when all this while it was all there right in the foreground.

But maybe that's a different realm to discuss on and has its own dynamics. The reason for its abstraction might be because of my indifference to these things and the tedium or fear or exhaustion that I was going through regarding these. For one to see things, there should also be interest on the subject, right? But what has happened now? It was all unwanted, involuntary. I have no clue how it is going or where it is going and how did it even come to that or has it even come to any of that I am talking about in the first place. Maybe I am speculating too much and none of it has any reality to it. Well I fear the bad end and that's why I should not allow these things to haunt my mind. But whatever it is, it is filling me with positivity and if I see the recent past and my performance as an individual, I see myself at a good place. Things have definitely improved. Let's see how long it stays.

4/23/2017 05:27:00 pm Share:

Bidhi Tumi (Bangla Poem)

The following poem has been written by a sister of mine whose pen name is given at the end of the poem below.

Bidhi Tumi

Bidhi tumi e jano tomar khela.

Ki tumi chao, ki tumi pao.

Aro ki ki tomar ichha....

Jani tumi amar porikhha nichho..

Tabuo ami cheshta korbo

Amar sesh roktobindu porjonto

Amar biswash sotyi e sotyi

Naki sob amar moner kolpona matro..

Korunamoy ki sotyi e amar opor koruna korben

Naki tini nisthur ,nirdoy...

Jani e mon sudhu taanr choronashrito

Tobu o bichar o aabege abodhho.

Moher bondhon chinno koro probhu..

Mukti dao ,gyan dao ,hridoy e nibid shanti dao.

Tomar preme biswash dao.

-Parna

4/22/2017 09:58:00 pm Share:

Aamaar Nirobotai Tumi Aachho (Bengali Poem)

The following poem has been written by a sister of mine whose pen name is given at the end of the poem below.

আমার নীরবতাই তুমি আছো

আমার নীরবতাই তুমি আছো

আমার আকুলতায় তুমি আছো

আমার সজলতাই তুমি আছো

আমার মনে-প্রাণে তুমি আছো

আমার অনন্ত-বাহিরে তুমি আছো

আমার হাঁসি-কান্নাতে তুমি আছো

আমার প্রতি স্ত্রীলে তুমি আছো

আমার অন্তরে তুমি আছো

আমার প্রতি গানে তুমি আছো

আমার জীবনের প্রতি ছন্দে তুমি আছো

আমার হৃদযন্ত্রণে তুমি আছো

আমার কথাতে তুমি আছো

আমার ভাষাতে তুমি আছো

আমার রন্ধ্রে রন্ধ্রে তুমি আছো

প্রতি ছন্দে তুমি আছো

-Parna

4/22/2017 09:53:00 pm Share:

Prem Ki Chao Tumi (Bangla poem)

The following poem has been written by a sister of mine whose pen name is given at the end of the poem below.

প্রেম কি চাও তুমি

কহ প্রেম কি চাও তুমি

আরো কি কিছু চাওযার আছে আমার কাছে ।

নিয়েছো তো আমাকেই আমার থেকে

জ্বালায়েছ প্রেমবহ্নি আমার হৃদয়ে আলো হতে ।

আর কি চাও বলো

আমি দিতে রাজি আছি যা কিছু তুমি চাও ।

সবই তো দিয়েছি তোমাকে, আর কিছু যে নেই আমার ।

করেছি উজাড় আপনারে শুধু তোমার জন্য

তুমি কেমন বলো তো ?

যত চেষ্টা করি বুঝতে তোমাকে

ততই গড়িয়ে যায় ।

কে তুমি কীই বা তোমার স্বরূপ

কিছুতেই খুঁজে না পাই ।

তুমি যে মনে হও অনন্ত অপরিসীম

তবু কেন সীমানা বেঁয়ে যাও ।

পার না তুমি সকল সীমানা ছাড়িয়ে যেতে

ভাসিয়ে নিয়ে যেতে তোমার অনন্ত প্রান্তে ।

তাই তো আমি তোমার অনন্ত অপেক্ষায় রইলাম ।

-Parna

4/22/2017 09:02:00 pm Share: