Trigger?

Why everything reminds me of you? Still? How? It has been 5 years now and I am still in that past dream? Which never happened, which will never happen. Whatever happened was just a fraction of time, that was so great that the longing remains. That spark. Why are some emotions so strong? When will this feeling go? She's still the present. Will I ever be able to make her my past? 

Today while flipping through my college time's passbook, her name appeared. All those memories came rushing to my mind. How normal everything was. How wholesome and magical. Happy and live. Now it's all empty. Hollow. Light years of just vaccum. I wish if none of that had happened. I wish if I had been somewhere else. I wouldn't have to go through this affliction.

I hope it gets better.

7/31/2023 11:59:00 pm Share:

Situationship

My my......I am bewildered after knowing the meaning of this term 'situationship'. Even the autocorrect features of Chrome or keypad doesn't have this word yet. But looking at it, I wonder, was it what I had. Did you know about this concept back in the day. I don't think so. But whatever be, it seems like you totally nailed the situationship lab session. Or maybe I am overthinking as always. Maybe it was nothing. Just that, typical boys like me take anything and everything as sign of love. Romantic love. And there's no concept for friendly love for old school duffers like me who have heads full of haystack and no gray matter. It has been more than 5 years now. How much more time will it take just to be unfallen? Will the desires ever come back? Will this longing ever end? Will I get cured? Will it get worse? When will the memory erasing pill be out in the market?

I still want good for her. That's the sole reason I haven't contacted her at all (as if she would care 😆). Why to give my negativity and filth to her in any capacity. Any way I was no one before 3rd year of college and I am again no one. A fast-degrading person should not be anywhere around a beautiful, ever cheerful, full of positivity, energizing and playful sunshine. Or it is just a way of escaping away from saying “The grapes were sour, I guess!” 🤣

6/14/2023 10:43:00 am Share:

I shouldn't have gone!

I think I shouldn't have attended my friend's wedding. I don't know why, but I am feeling the suffocation increase day by day. May be not seeing her, not meeting her would have been better. I knew she would be there at the wedding, particularly that was one of the reasons I was so excited about going. Had thought so many things in my mind. Was expecting at least some talk with her. But nothing happened. Any way, that's not the point now. 

I keep thinking about her day and night, weeks and months. When I am on phone, when I am not on phone. When I am watching a movie, when I am not watching a movie. When I am reading a book, when I am not reading a book. Will she ever realize? Does she even know? Can I still make it? Should I even try? Or am I just bracing for this impact lifelong? To bear this forever? 

We would have been such a great pair. But I am not one of those lucky ones. 

I feel I have seen enough. Had enough experiences. There's nothing more to look forward to. I will have no regrets if I go soon. In fact, it would be great to go. It would be peace. At least there won't be anything after that, peace or whatever. Once gone, gone. But going seems welcoming. Liberating.

4/09/2023 03:26:00 pm Share:

Questions for Interview - System Admin/Cloud Ops/Backend systems/Infrastructure

How is environment variable, how do you create it? Suppose you are running some commands in cmd prompt which needs environment variable. So you create the variable. Then after will you be able to run the same command in the prompt to fetch the environment variable? What do we need to do to get it?

What are repeated issues you have faced and tried to implement a solution to avoid it, basically something significant you implemented that benefited team/app/org?

Best practices for web server, app server, database? Any 5 for each?

Explain TLS vs SSL.

What are cipher suites?

Difference between a domain and zone?

What is LDAP and AD?

How do you use version control?

Can you do ripple restart in Prod?

What is Pod in Kubernetes?

Most commonly used commands in day-to-day work, *Nix and Windows?

What is virtual host?

OOPs concepts?

Web services you have used and difference among them, like Rest, Soap, others?

Different SDLC processes, agile, waterfall, difference, other types?

How a SSL handshake happens?

Commands used in terms of certificate management, import, etc.?

What is hot deployment? Is it okay to do hot deployments in Prod?

What is clustered index and non-clustered index in SQL?

What are the different day to day tasks that you do in SQL?

What are the monitoring tools you have used so far?

Is AD used for authentication or authorization? What is the difference between the two?

What is AD and what is DC. What is the difference between the two?

What is registry? What can we do with it?

What is group policy?

What is cross site scripting (XSS) and how is it different from SQL injection?

Write the code to get the count of each process in PowerShell.

If you are connected to Wi-Fi and change to LAN cable on the same network, will your IP change?

What is DNS? What is DHCP? How are IPs assigned in a network?

What is execution policy in PowerShell? What are the different types of them?

How to run a script when execution policy is set to restricted?

What is blue green deployment?

Do you have any migration experience from on-prem to Azure? What would be the steps to do it?

How do you create virtual host server?

What is kernel?

What is difference between Apache http server and Apache tomcat?

How to install software/app from repository and from package file?

How to create multiple subdomains in a single web server?

What is ITIL? What is its significance and requirement?

What is the significance of different types of brackets in PowerShell?

How does PowerShell commands or scripts work?

How to create user in AD using PowerShell with data from a CSV file?

How would you fetch the OS details of remote server using PowerShell?

How would you map a drive on a remote system using PowerShell?

What is DNS? What is internal and public DNS?

What are different types of records in DNS? What is an SRV record? Is Alias and CName record same?

How would you list all the users or resources in Azure or GCP in the whole organization?

If 16 (x.x.x.x/28) addresses are available on a network, how many more subnets can be created out of it?

What is a managed instance?

How do you force the system to look for IP first on the DNS server then on the system host file?

What are the different troubleshooting approaches or causes of a remote linux not connecting even when it is online and pinging? What could be cause of error "Connection refused"?

What are the challenges you faced while setting up alerts?

What are the different components of an RCA document?

Can you vertically scale a kubernetes cluster or node?

If we do not use Kubernetes and only have docker for running containers, and if a container stops/crashes for some reason, will it start running up again or would you have to start it up manually? What would happen in case of a pod running? What would happen in case of a Kubernetes deployment when the replica is just 1?

How to grant access to Linux server to a friend using private key and how does SSH work?

What is difference between shared vpc and vpc peering?

What are the different types of network load balancers? What does each do?

Major difference between GCP and Azure?

What are the different method we can ensure out app is always running in a VM on GCP?

What is firewall? How to block port 22 on 3 VMs that might not be in same subnet?

How to increase security of your cloud infrastructure?

How to harden images/VMs?

Tell us about a situation where you got a feedback and how you reflected on it. Any negative feedback you got and what you did with it.

AWS Operations Engineer

How to run a network trace in wireshark and how to analyze the output?

What is a zombie process? How is it created? What happens to it? What should we do with it?

For troubleshooting a slow server, how to find out if the problem is in storage or IOPS?

What is umask in UNIX?

How to use netstat for network troubleshooting? What information we get from it?

What is mtr in linux?

What are run levels in linux and how to use them?

Differentiate soft link vs hard link.

Differentiate threads vs processes.

Differentiate htop vs top.

Walk us through step by step process oh how a device can get connected to internet, detailed steps of dhcp and next steps. What protocols it uses, how lease is renewed, when is it renewed, before or after end of time, is same ip assigned or different, how is that decided?

How does NAT work, given your device ip is 10.4.4.10, router ip is 10.3.3.3, router public ip is 40.5.5.5 and destination website ip is 104.6.6.6, explain what will be public ip of device, what will be internal gloabal ip of website and how nat would do translation. 

What are the different types of natting done? How are they different from each other.

How would you troubleshoot slow loading website for a client? What commands would you use? How would you troubleshoot if ICMP is disabled in the server hosting the website?

What protocol does tracert use?

What is DNS zone? What are the different kinds of dns records? What is the mandatory dns record? What is the unique/extra/special record route 53 in aws provides?

What is MTU and what is MSS?

How would you troubleshoot NIC, how to find out if slowness in loading websites is due to NIC?

What does the df command do in linux?

How do you change owner of a file in linux?

What is split horizon dns?

4/04/2023 08:29:00 pm Share:

Have I lost you?

Of late, seeing your posts, although I am certain, there was never a chance, I wasn't ever there, but still the question comes, have I lost you? Haha, well I never had you in the first place. Maybe this question is just the rhetorical synthesis of my mind telling me, if I ever had a chance, it's no more there. It's gone. I should accept it now. But when will I be able to accept it. Probably never. Probably not in this lifetime. I hope I do. 

It's just painful. Why is it so hard. Why are the systems like this. Thousands of years of evolution, and still these chemicals make it so damn difficult. There's no reason to set up that high level of mechanism when there's no hope of getting the person one desires. 

Desire seems such a filthy word here. Longing. Yes, that makes more sense than the former. 

There was a point when I used to listen to love songs, because I enjoyed them as well as I believed in the lyrics. Now I’ve reached a point where I can’t get myself to believe that any of it is real. These days no matter how romantic the song or lyrics are, everything feels fake.

These oceans of sorrow, these pools of despair and dejection, this disdain, agony and soreness, would they ever subside. Why do I always think about her. When will it end. Nobody talks about how difficult and heartbreaking distancing from someone you love is, for your own peace and mental health. 

Do I love this person? Yes. 

Do I think about them all the time? Yes. 

Will I ever talk to them again? Hopefully No.

4/03/2023 05:18:00 pm Share:

Itne kareeb ho gaye thay

Itne kareeb ho gaye thay,

Mujhe laga mere ho gaye thay.

Ek hee shakhs ki to baat hai maula,

Saara jahan kis ne maanga hai.

Uske chehre par is qadar noor tha,

Ki uski yaadon mein rona manzoor tha,

Be’wafa bhi nahi keh sakte usko,

Pyaar toh humne kiya, woh toh be-qasoor tha.

Chalo tum saath mat dena,

Mujhe beshak bhula dena.

Naye sapne saja lena, 

Naye rishte bana lena.

Bhula dena sabhi waade, 

Sabhi qasme, sabhi naate.

Tumhe jaan ijazaat hai, 

Jo dil chahe wo sab karna.

Magar ab kisi se kabhi

Adhura pyaar na karna.

Zindagi chain se guzar jaaye,

Wo agar zahen se utar jaaye.

Jo badal jaaye, woh yaar kaisa?

Jo chor jaye, woh saath kaisa?

Log kehte hain, tujhe phir se pyaar hojayega,

Par jo phir se hojaye, woh pyaar kaisa?

Zindagi ko tanha viraano me rehne do,

Ye wafaa ki baatein khayalon me rehne do,

Haqikat me azmaane se toot jaate hain dil aksar,

Ye ishq, dosti aur mohabbat, kitaabon me rehne do.

Tamasha dekh rahe the jo doobne ka mere,

Meri talaash mein nikle hain kashtiyaan le kar.

Mehfil mein chal rahi thi humare qatl ki taiyaari,

Hum aaye toh bolne lage bahot lambi umar hai tumhari.

3/10/2023 05:01:00 pm Share:

Geetha Govindam

There's nothing new to write. But yesterday I watched Geetha Govindam, the telugu movie. After a long time felt happy watching a romcom. There were bits and parts of it that don't happen in real life, especially the coincidences and luck. But boys are like that. The perspective shown is real. Girls too are similar, intricate and super nuanced in their thoughts, making simple things as complex as possible. 

After the movie ended, I felt shattered. I realized how broken I am, beyond repair. 2023 marks five years since her. Still trying to fall out of love with her. Still trying to cure myself. But the feeling are now of hopelessness, of being a lost cause, of being without purpose and a tremendous amount of fear, the fear of losing the chance with her for ever. I know it's not possible, yet in this hopelessness, still I hope if I approach again where would things go. I want to know what I did wrong. I want to know why not me. But I stay back. I am the most Govind one can be, far far away from the Arjun Reddy girls want.

Maybe my too much of Govind-ism is the actual cause. But I have always been like that. I have never been the clingy type. If someone said no, I never follow up. 

The dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and whatever neurotransmitters released during those 2 years, actually 1 year, they have bound me so badly. I just wish if all those could be erased. It's like addiction.

She is happy, may she always be happy.

2/13/2023 09:40:00 am Share:

It felt good

Met her after 5 years. Felt good. Feels like everything is still the same. She is the same, her usual self. Just wish if we had some time to talk. Or at least reminisce the past days.

I quite often open the clock and see what time is it there and then go to whatsapp to see if she's online thinking maybe if I should initiate a conversation. Conversation about the past, the future. Hoping that would help me get better or worse. I don't know. But then I think, what help would it do. More importantly what if it disturbs her or brings her unhappiness in any way. I know I am giving too much importance to myself thinking like this, but this thought just creeps in every time. Why to cause any ripples in her peace.

2/05/2023 11:00:00 pm Share:

Muddat hui hai

Muddat hui hai bichhde hue apne aap se,

Dekha jo aaj tum ko to hum yaad aa gaye

- Saghar Khayyami

Boht kuch kehna tha tum say,

Lekin tum haal na samjhe to baatein kya samjhoge.

Na zakhm bhare, na sharaab sahara hui,

Na wo laute, na mohabbat doobara hui.

Yaad karta hai tujhe aaj bhi vo shaqs,

Jo bhari mehfilon mein aaj bhi tanha hai.

Ek nafrat hee hai jiska yakeen jaldi ho jata hai, 

Warna mohabbat ka yakeen dilaane mein umar hee beet jati hai.

Nahi mila hai koi tujhsa aaj tak mujko,

Aur phir ye sitam alag hai ki mila tu bhi nahi.

Humari naa neend puri huyi,

naa khawab, aur naa mohabbat.

Saari khushiyaan mila kar dekhi hain,

Tere na milne ka gham zyada hai.

Na puchho husn ki taarif hum se, 

Mohabbat jis se hui bas wo haseen hai.

Itni haseen toh na thi zindagi, 

Ke jitni barbaad ho gayi.

Kisi se dil lag jaane ko mohabbat nahi kehte,

Jinke bagair dil na lage usse mohabbat kehte hain.

Hum baney thay tabaah hone ko,

Tera milna to ek bahana tha.

Iss daur ke insaanon mein wafa dhoondh rahe ho,

Badey nadaan ho zeher kee seeshee mein dawa dhoondh rahe ho.

Ranjish hi sahi dil hi dukhaane ke liye aa,

Aa phir se mujhe chhor ke jaane ke liye aa.

Ye mujhe chain kyu nhi parta

Ek hee shakhs tha jahan mein kya?

Mohabbat kya hai, Us insan se pucho

Jisne dil tootne ke bad bhi, Uska intezar kiya hai.

Mere sabr ki inteha kya puchte ho faraz,

Wo mujh se lipat ke royi kisi aur ke liye.

1/24/2023 09:37:00 am Share:

Ek tarfa mohabbat ke qissay mujhe mat sunao

Ek tarfa mohabbat ke qissay mujhe mat sunao,

Maine uske baad khud se bhi muhabbat nahi ki.

Pichhle baras tha khauf, tujhe kho na doon.

Ab ke baras dua hai, tera saamna na ho.

Do ghadi ke saathi ko humsafar samajhte hain,

Kitne puraane hain hum, iss naye zamaane mein.

Na hawas tere jism ki,

Na shauk tere husn ka.

Bin matlab sa ladka hoon,

Teri saadgi par marta hoon.

Khoob yaad rahega ye daur humko,

Kya khoob tarse hain, ek shaks ke liye.

Socha tha ki batayenge tum ko dukh dard apna,

Tumne to itna bhi na poochha ki udaas kyun ho.

Bahut nazdeek aati ja rahi ho,

Bichhadne ka iraada kar liya hai kya.

- Jaun Elia

Jo guzaari na ja saki hum se,

Hum ne woh zindagi guzaari hai.

- Jaun Elia

Woh bhi naye logo mein mashruf ho gayi,

Humne bhi usey hamari yaad dilana chor diya.

- Wajid Shaikh

Tere aane ki ummeed bhi nahin,

Aur tera intezaar bhi khatam nahin hota.

Sher-O-Shaayri to bas dil behlaane ka zariya hai,

Warna lafz kaaghaz pe utaarne se mehboob lauta nahi karte.

Alfaazon ke deewane to bahut milenge dost,

Talaash uski karna jo khamoshi padh le.

Manzil maut hai,

Safar ka mazaa lo.

Bichhad kar phir milenge, yaqeen kitna tha,

Khwaab hee tha magar, haseen kitna tha.

Chalo ab jaane bhi do, kya karoge dastaan sunkar,

Khaamoshi tum samjhoge nahi, aur bayaan humse hoga nahi.

Ye dukh nahi, ke andheron se sulah ki humne,

Malaal yeh hai, ke ab subah ki talab bhi nahi.

- Parveen Shakir

Ishq sukoon bhi deta hai,

Agar sahi insaan se ho toh.

Muhabbat namukammal ho toh bhi

Bhool jaane mein zindagi beet jati hai.

Uske lahje mein barf thi lekin,

Chhu ke dekha to haath jalne lage.

- Amjad Islam Amjad

Meri udaasiyaan tumhein kaise nazar aayengi,

Tumhein dekh kar to hum muskuraane lagte hain.

Hansta to main roz hun,

Magar khush hue zamaana ho gaya hai.

Yeh hamesha hanste muskuraate log,

Zara sa zor se galey lagao to ro dete hain.

Itni zyada aadat mat daalo kisi ki,

Kyun ki andheron me toh saya bhi saath chhor deta hai.

Aur bhi dukh hain zamane mein mohabbat ke siva,

Rahatein aur bhi hain vasl ki rahat ke siva.

- Faiz Ahmed Faiz

Aaj ik aur baras beet gaya us ke bagair,

Jis ke hote hue hote the zamaane mere.

- Ahmed Faraz

Sau bar dil se kaha, chal bhul ja usko,

Har baar dil ne kaha, tum dil se nahi kehte.

Maut hee insaan ki dushman nahi,

Zindagi bhi jaan le kar jayegi.

- Arsh Malsiyani

Jab khwaahishein marr jaati hain,

Toh sirf samjhaute baki reh jate hain.

One of the saddest things is when two people get to know each other inside out, secrets, fears, thoughts, favorite things, what they hate, whatever they love, and then they go back to being strangers. In a blink of an eye, a moment's tragedy becomes a lifetime's misery.

1/13/2023 10:37:00 pm Share:

Surreal dream - meet with Jyothi ma'am

Just woke up to a surreal dream. Till now it was feeling so real. I was in KK sir's ancestral home along with Jyothi ma'am. 

The old house. Weird dream. She was talking about all his friends, his childhood. Where he did what. Showing photos on the walls. School projects or instruments or what was the significance of something. 

She cooked lunch for everyone, he in-laws. Everyone eating together. Then after we were talking about him and while she kept on describing various things about KK sir, my eyes kept on watering. But I was enjoying the conversation so much. It was so real and simple talk. She felt so close as if she was my aunt.

Alarm brought me back to my bed. Wish if it had continued a bit more.

12/26/2022 07:50:00 am Share:

Maybe realisation

Maybe I am coming to a realisation eventually. The first one took 4 and half years to reach complete cure. Right now, I am at the same juncture. At least time wise, yes, it is exactly that point in time.

Finally, I am thinking that yeah, it should not happen, and it WILL NOT happen. There is no possibility. More than me not being deserving of her, I think she doesn't deserve me. No, she doesn't deserve me at all. Not the person I have become now, someone so full and brimming of negativity, pessimism, in fact a magnet of lost spirit. She deserves the person she wants. She should be with whoever she wants to be with.

With the recent upcoming happenstance of meet, sometimes I am now thinking whether I should go or dodge this. I don't know if things will worsen for me due to this. I am hoping not, or wishing to be invisible if I go. Earlier I was thinking of talking to her about closure, so that it will help me in my process, to get cured, but I think it is a bad idea. She might not even remember any of that. For all I know she must have completely taken that episode in her stride as a normal thing and let it go just like every day. I don't want to make her uncomfortable or feel bad in any way. It is best I avoid any kind of confrontation like this. I should just be my normal self, just like in college. Just like it was back then. Nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing different. I will try.

I wonder when this will end for me! When will I stop thinking about her. It is not like I deliberately think of her. But it is like slice of life. It is when I walk to the place I eat at. It is when I am walking back to my room. It is when I am sitting on a desk in office. It is when I am pouring water over my head before I put shampoo. It is when I am listening to the birds chirp out of the window. It is when I am trying to fall asleep. It is there every time except when I am doing 2-3 things together during office work. It is only when my brain is occupied more than its capacity only that is the time, I am not thinking of her. It is not just when I am writing. It is when the thinking goes too much, beyond a point, that is when I come to write it. Hoping that would lessen the longing, the pain, the urge to be the friend, to talk.

12/18/2022 02:43:00 pm Share: