Tired

It's been two years now. Considering my maturity in age, I should have stopped feeling the pain by now. With an adult brain and body, theoretically it should take me less time to get over her. But I think my assumption is wrong. This time too it might take as long as it took the last time. 

But I am tired. I am tired of being always nice to people, always on the edge to not let people get unhappy in anyway due to me. Hide everything from them so that they don't feel guilt. Iam tired of this ideal of mine. But I am still not able to change it. Anyway it's not as if telling her now will reduce this suffering. No, of course not. Then why bother someone from their happy life.

It will get better. I still want to believe that. Wish if the hurt would have reduced a little over this time.

2/12/2020 03:12:00 am Share:

Midnight munchings

From the past an hour or so, I am lying on bed, lights turned off, trying to get hold of sleep and float away in the realm of Nidra devi (Godess of sleep). So I try this idea of going through all the memories I have since I was born. Right from the beginning in the city, the kindergarten years. The neighbourhood, the school, the home, the family, and everything else. Then the time in the outskirts and the current home. The school years till matriculation in the familiar land, culture and people. Innumerable instances of games, study, friends, teachers, our principal Mrs. Marrykutty Thomas and the others, the Sundays, the new books, the exams and life back then. The family vacation and trips. Then my introduction of a different part of India altogether. A different state, different style of language, different people. The start of an emotional turmoil. Then the move to college, another new place, new culture, new poeple, new language. The new friends, the new lifestyle of hostel and independence of college. The meeting of her. 

Among all this now after years, I feel does she even know. Did she ever come to know. Does she ever think about me, or remember me. The way I had last interacted, would she ever figure out how much of pain I felt and continue to feel? But I also think now sometimes, what's her fault in this. It was me. It was me all along and even now. I don't know. I am still yet to understand life better. I also feel it's enough.

ये ख़याल अक्सर ज़ेहन में आता है

क्या तू कभी सोचती होगी की

अनजाने में ही भले तूने क्या कर दिया

या जो भी हुआ उसकी वजह से 

उससे मेरी क्या हालत हुई

ये रिश्ता जो मैंने दोस्ती का तोड़ा है

वो इसलिए की में थक गया था

तुझे मुझसे दूर भागते हुए

तेरा किसी और में मुझे पाते हुए

तुझे कोई नया मैं मिल गया

इन सब ने मुझे मजबूर कर दिया

मैंने अपने आप को तुझसे दूर कर लिया

रोज़ रोज़ एक ही ज़हर कैसे पीता

काश मौत भी इस से तोहफे में आता

2/04/2020 12:46:00 am Share:

Enforcement Officer/Accounts Officer EPFO UPSC Exam 2020 Syllabus

Enforcement Officer/Accounts Officer EPFO UPSC Exam 2020

Syllabus and study material

Notice - https://upsconline.nic.in/oraepfo/EOA.pdf

2/02/2020 11:57:00 pm Share:

Shayari and Ghazal

मैं बिछड़ के तुझसे बुलंदियों पे जो पस्त हूँ,
ये उरूज है के ज़वाल है ये सवाल है।

जिस बुत पे फ़िदा हो गए, जाँ जिसपे लूटा दी,
उसने भी बिछड़ते हुए जीने की दुआ दी।

गुनहगार हैं उसके सो उसकी महफ़िल में हम,
उसके हुस्न को उसका नकाब कहते हैैं।

हम ऐसे सर-फिरे दुनिया को कब दरकार होते हैं,
अगर होते भी हैं तो बे-इंतिहा दुुष्वार होते हैं।

- Qamar Abbas




हम उसके दिल तक पहुंँचते कैसे

बदन को रस्ता समझ लिया था

मिलन जुदाई तड़प उदासी
ये खेल सारा समझ लिया था
उसे यूँ छोड़ा के उसने हमको
बहुत ज़्यादा समझ लिया था

वो तबस्सुम था जहाँ शायद वहीँ पर रह गया
मेरी आँखों का हर एक मंज़र कहीं पर रह गया
मैं तो होकर आ गया आज़ाद उसकी क़ैद से

दिल मगर इस जल्दबाज़ी में वहीँ पर रह गया
हमको अक्सर ये ख़याल आता है उसको देख कर
ये सितारा कैसे ग़लती से ज़मीं पर रह गया

एहसान ज़िन्दगी पे किये जा रहे हैं हम
मन तो नहीं है फिर भी जिए जा रहे हैं हम
पहला किसी का इश्क़ था दूजा है शायरी
दो हादसों को एक किये जा रहे हैं हम
ऐ शहर-ए-नामुराद मुबारक के अब के बार
वापस न लौटने के लिए जा रहे हैं हम

- Imtiyaz Khan




ज़िन्दगी में ग़म है
ग़म में दर्द है
दर्द में मज़ा है
और मज़े में ज़िन्दगी है

- Ghalib

उदास एक मुझ ही को तो कर नहीं जाता

वो मुझसे रूठ के अपने भी घर नहीं जाता

वो दिन गए के मोहोब्बत थी जान की बाज़ी

किसी से अब कोई बिछड़े तो मर नहीं जाता

- Waseem Barelvi

मेरी साँसों में समाया भी बहुत लगता है

और वही शख़्स पराया भी बहुत लगता है

उससे मिलने की तमन्ना भी बहुत है

लेकिन आने जाने में किराया भी बहुत लगता है

फैसला जो कुछ भी हो मंज़ूर होना चाहिए

जंग हो या इश्क़ हो भरपूर होना चाहिए

अपने हाथों से बनाया है ख़ुदा ने आपको

आपको थोड़ा बहुत मग़रूर होना चाहिए

तूफानों से आँख मिलाओ सैलाबों पर वार करो

मल्लाहों का चक्कर छोड़ो तैर के दरिया पार करो

फूलों की दुकानें खोलो ख़ुशबू का व्यापार करो

इश्क़ ख़ता है? तो ये ख़ता एक बार नहीं सौ बार करो

- Dr Rahat Indori

1/02/2020 02:27:00 pm Share:

Music and Songs trigger something

It is 10 am in the morning and a Sunday. I am having my breakfast and while reading the newspaper I hear an old song (this is the song Soniye Hiriye Teri Yaad Aandi Hai) playing in the kitchen. Suddenly I start getting goosebumps and all those memories and feelings start flushing in my mind around the time of the song it was released or was popular/relevant or it could be time around when I had heard the song for the first time or thereafter on frequent basis. Actually when a song is released or gains mainstream popularity, that is the time it is played most of the times and in most of the places. During those times of life, that song gets etched in the mind with the feelings you were going through at that time, the events of your life among so many other things. The same thing I have noticed about infrequent smells or unique smells. They bring back memories and emotions of the time you have felt them the most.

Maybe this connection with music and songs like I experience is not that common among people or maybe I am the only one with whom this happens, but it is quite fascinating to see my body responding to such stimulus in that strong a way. Or is it because this song of today morning that I am writing about for instance, is one of those times that I was in the realms of my initial butterfly-in-the-stomach days (😀 I leave on you to guess what's the obvious days of one's life I am referring to😃). Or it could also be due to the nature of the song and it lyrics being absolutely in sync with the period of life that I was going through at that time.

But no matter what, it's really strong with all the goosebumps and moist eyes. And this has happened with me many a times with so many of the other songs. This behaviour is not just limited to old times songs or songs of your childhood or teenage. It happens even now when you hear a song that you may or may not have heard recently or a new release, and the song has moving lyrics with melodic/haunting music/tune or is in perfect jibe with the theme of the song. You relate to the song such strongly and the same thing happens. You feel pain in the chest, body shudders upon the thoughts of the song's lyrics.

This human body is truly marvellous. It never ceases to amaze with its styles of functioning and prowess or the fact that we have a brain that contemplates, appreciates and even gets surprised by it's own existence and functioning.

12/15/2019 11:28:00 am Share:

All at once.

What is it about nights that bring you all the memories of past. What is it about nights that remind me of all the voids that have been created. And why am I calling them voids. Is it because till the time I had them they were so obvious that now I miss them. Not all the same though, because for family you start taking them for granted, it is quite common. But her, I never took her for granted.

The strange thing is I am writing about her here as if she too is in the same state as others I am talking about here. No, actually not at all. It's absolutely wrong of me to make it seem so. I would never even in my dreams think of her to be in that state physically/actually. But the point I am trying to make here is it's almost like them what she is for me now.

It's bad that I am putting her at the same spot, but I can't seem to think of it as any other analogy. In fact it's the same. The only difference is that this state that I have made of her in my viewpoint is totally my deed. And it's artificial. But for the other two nothing can be done. It's nature or whatever they say about it. Death.

Why did it have to happen all at once. 2016 and 2017 they went. And I made 2018 her last for me. But was it not because of her I did so. Probably not. It's all my fault. It's me who fell for her. It's me who read all the wrong signs, or interpreted them wrong. It's me who keeps repeating the same mistakes.

And my whining continues.......just like a zillion times. But it's still painful. All that has happened. All of them. All in such short span of time. Hope I heal soon.

9/03/2019 01:46:00 am Share:

Kabir Singh

Of all things I feel, it feels sickening sad about how the whole thing has turned out. The same as I was apprehending when I first heard that they're making the movie into Hindi.

I had watched Arjun Reddy for the starting 20 minutes or so last year (January 2018), reluctantly with continued insisting from a so-called-then-recently-made friend (office colleague, happened to be from my college). Although after the initial 20 minutes or so, I finally decided to stop torturing myself and got off his room from watching that horrible movie. He had been praising that movie from the past couple of days and claimed to have watched it numerous times by then. He had been singing all about how the movie was a super blockbuster in Telugu.

And now after actually seeing that the movie has been made and released for a pan Indian viewing with the Hindi version, I am more disheartened with the realisation that how people are in real, even at places of power and responsibility. Last year itself after watching that small portion of Arjun Reddy I had searched vigorously about the reviews or protesting of the movie. Thank God that I found a few articles at least acknowledging how wrong the movie was. That gave me a little relief. But having come here to Hyderabad at the same time, I was listening to all sorts of people going Gaga over the it.

I feel so sad seeing my close friends fail to understand what is wrong with the movie. Them asking me or discussing with others casually about why so much of controversy about the movie. Listening to arguments like it's just a fictional movie. That there have been plenty of movie like these made in the past. That it's just the director's portrayal and his perspective. I am tired of explaining and arguing with reasoning. It's a pity and shocking truth that the movie has become such a massive hit.

Forcefully taking something and giving it the name of love, or raw love, or intense love, or pure love, or whatever adjectives they're adding to it can never be justified. The irony is what is shown as love is actually the opposite of what it is. Or maybe I know nothing about love. And in real life if people like Preeti (Kiara Advani) exist, then they should definitely be killed. It is absolutely not sin or wrong in eliminating such a person because of whom a movie like Kabir Singh can be un-apologetically glorified.

Lost all faith on superstars like Shahid Kapoor as he says in an interview what he believes about the character. And so is Kiara. Hats off to people like Sandeep Reddy Vanga.

https://www.outlookindia.com/website/amp/entertainment-news-opinion-why-kabir-singh-scares-so-many-of-us/332913

7/01/2019 11:18:00 pm Share:

Friendship and Love

Love overpowers the friendship because the pain you have to handle outweighs the friendship you're losing. So you choose to stay away. At least that's what I did. Although just as she said, kabhi kabhi lagta hai kaash sab jaisa tha waisa hee rehta. The whole thing is so relatable, it felt as if she's speaking my story.

And Professor Snape, is one hell of a man to give up his whole life just because of love. 

I always envy people who get over so soon. I badly feel the need to have such powers to move on so fast. If at least not in weeks then perhaps in months. Not unlike me who takes years or forever to move on. 

😀😁

5/26/2019 10:25:00 am Share:

GoT ended!

Game of Thrones ended same as so many other good stuff. But it also achieved the same feat as other good ones. I always wanted and thought of Jon sitting on the iron throne to rule the realm. As he would have been perfect in doing so. But no, it didn't happen.

I so badly was in love with the thought of Harry and Hermione being together. The ever perfect couple. Harry with his extraordinary bravery and goodness paired with the best girl Hermione. She was perfect for Harry and they both were so close to each other, always there for one another. But it didn't happen.

I felt so disheartened again today. These are all fictional characters but somehow I feel for them. This is the reason I consider this weak trait of mine, me being a hyperemotional fool.

And Jon killing Daenerys just like that was brutal. Even to think on Jon's part to do this would have been the most difficult thing to do in his whole life. All the great characters in GOT deserved way better verdict than what season eight did to them. All the seven seasons are on one side with great moments and this last season is totally opposite to what GOT had achieved. I feel disappointed.

But all this was fictional right. So whatever happened happened. Let the bygones be left. Tomorrow's a better day.

5/20/2019 10:35:00 pm Share:

A Question

Today while travelling on this train, at this moment, a thought crossed my mind. When I know, my brain knows that that person is gone, actually she never was there, even after this realisation that what I had believed was false and untrue, and isn't possible anyway, why is the longing still here? Doesn't the so called evolved human brain calculate this simple thing that still feeling the same for her is not required anymore. There is no need of any goosebumps or pain as it is well understood that there's nothing for it. Neither can it bring that person close or together, or make her feel how I do. Neither can it throttle me into any action that can make her feel so. They say there's reason for our every body action, reaction, voluntary and involuntary. Then why this secretion of chemicals that cause this feeling, the emotion and the pain?

Day before yesterday, she was all over my dreams. For such long dreams, again and again. Everytime with a new storyline. I felt so so happy waking up that morning because right after you wake up from a dream for some moments you're still in it and it feels real. It was absolutely great to  see her, just be like we were. Divulging the details of the dream is unnecessary here. Although it was good.

5/01/2019 10:06:00 pm Share:

No recovery soon

I don't remember the last call. Maybe it was in November. Or October perhaps. Having considered that, it's been five months since we talked but even then when I saw her name flashing through the screen just a few minutes back, my heart was racing like a bullet train. All that rush and fast beats and shivering too. And I was so nervous to talk. It felt so so good to talk to her. To know she remembers.

In a way our magic started on this very day two years ago. The reason for this call is because today is my birthday. And even as fifteen minutes have passed since the call ended my hands are still trembling. Although I feel so happy that she called. But the sad part is I had to be  mean with her, say that I didn't care, to make it more eminent to her that I don't want to talk to her (absolutely for my own good, selfish me). I don't think she ever got it. Actually she doesn't even understand what I am going through, and I don't tell her because I don't want to upset her or make her feel bad. I have always tried to make her know that I want to completely erase her (for time being at least) in the most subtle way so that it doesn't hit her in anyway if at all. Today also I did the same, dropped enough hints.

Hope she comes to know someday, somehow. Today I realised I am far from being clean and cured. Whole night (today slept at 4 in morning and got up at 9 am) I kept dreaming and she was there in it all the time. And it felt so good when I woke up thinking all that old things and strong longing for her.

How much more time. When will it end. Still looking to get my sanity back.

4/07/2019 10:33:00 am Share:

Help on moving on over Love

Getting over and moving on from Love

Over the years I have searched and collected the sources I will be sharing today that might be useful for people to get better after their initial realisation. The sole aim of this post is to help you deal with your condition better when you have been in love or are in love and have lost or are losing everything to it. These sources of knowledge/information/facts might help you lessen the pain and help you come to terms with reality a little bit more.

The Ted talk The brain in love by Helen Fisher is about the mechanism and working of the concept of love. The biological technicalities that happen during the process and deeper details on it.

It will help to come to terms with the fact that it's all reality. It is actually there whatever is happening, and not some Bollywood and popular fiction myth that's going around for decades.


This TedX talk Can We Choose to Fall Out of Love? by Dessa gives a working example of her own life that how much knowing about this process of love and it's aftermath, it's working can help one get over it. This is perfect because Dessa one of the few people, just like me who takes a hell lot of time to get over love. The first time it happened to me, after the discovery that only I had the feelings for her and not she, it took me a total of 5 years to fully get over her. Also it is much more relatable to me because I had fallen in love both times with someone who never felt the same towards me. First was never that close, we were classmates, not even friends, or barely qualified as friends. The second came so close to me that I myself didn't know when all that happened and later I realised that I had never had anyone in my life come that close to me, not even my family. The connection was magic. Sorry, I deviated into my own story.

Dessa here actually quotes the earlier Ted talk by Helen in her speech and how it gave her the idea of doing the experiment.


This Ted talk How to fix a broken heart by Guy Winch is about how to get on with the past, lose away the negativity and bad things that come once you're in that situation and are dealing with it.

Guy says the things that are important to be done in order to overcome the strong feelings, that destroys one's everyday of their life. But to do these things is also quite difficult. One thing that is core to all the points is detaching yourself from the person of interest completely. And this is also the recurring marquee that is present in the next videos as well.


This TedX talk Love and heartbreak in the new India by Dr. Shyam Bhat is totally inclined to Indian context even though the matter that we are talking about here is universal and the same things come into picture globally in matters of love. Although it's eye-opening for a common average Indian who goes through unrequited love like me or breakup from an ongoing relationship.

Dr Shyam says all the things that actually happen during heartbreak, absolutely true. How it actually feels during the phase and after it. The gist is that heartbreaks cause actual pain just as one gets pain when physically hurt. It is deadly too and can kill. That pain is real and we have to understand and accept it. Just like a wound takes time to heal, this too shall take it's own time to heal. This video is totally relatable to my second stunt at love, the present one and I hope the last too. Because this time we were friends.

This last source is a very famous channel ASAP Science video How To Get Over Your Ex. It's a short video having all the above points consolidated into one.

Having said all that I know how difficult it is to actually make it happen. To finally get over, move on and again become the soulful, happy and enthusiastic self that one was earlier. I don't know how many can relate to what I have tried to tell here. If you're one of the victim, hope it helps you. 

I am a bit scared to say but I might be developing Takotsubo cardiomyopathy in me, I hope I am healed soon enough.

Good Luck!

2/24/2019 11:21:00 pm Share: