Zindagi - Life

I am fed up of life now. What growing up has given me and what it has taken away are the things I would never want to take and give away.

In the job, in office, in the places of public interest, in the industry, in the ministries, in the country, everywhere, people are just lying with the sole purpose of making their life better, saving as much as they can, grabbing as much as they can, losing as less as they can. They're using every tactic they can apply to just make their life a little more better. But they don't care about the cost it comes with, they don't bother about the ramifications of their action on others in doing so.

The exact same thing is also present even at family, our own home, within our own relatives. The race to succeed and lose as less as possible. To better first own selves and then think about others. At some of the areas, it even feels that they are rightly so in what they're trying to achieve, at least for the family. But isn't it because we have grown up and we don't anymore think like a child. The selfless or innocent being that once we were.

In all this I have started hating people altogether. I start thinking that if this is what I had to deal with after growing up, I was better off a child. The world that I have to deal with in life is not what I want. It was so simple as a child comparing with what an adult is supposed to face. I am one of those beings who sucks at politics and diplomacy. I am supremely bad at lying about things you are supposed to lie about when you're an adult dealing with relatives or co-workers.

And you have to constantly decide what is good for you. People will keep trying to manipulate you. This was true even for the childhood, but the stakes are sky high here compared to what it was in childhood.

I hate life. I hate having grown up. I hate to deal with the things life is throwing at me. And probably will keep throwing. I think I am an escapist. I feel I am done. I want to be a child. I want this life to end or to be in a state not having to deal with all this drama.

2/07/2019 09:54:00 pm Share:

Some lines

Some Lines - चंद पंक्तियाँ

सावन में रुत ना बरसी, न बसंत फूल लाया

तेरे प्यार में तेरे बिन ऐसा भी साल आया

                                                         - Neelesh Misra

उलझनें क्या बताऊँ तुझे ज़िन्दगी की

तेरे ही गले लगकर तेरी ही शिकायतें करनी हैं

                                                         - Piyush Mishra

मेरा ग़म का खज़ाना है, तेरे पास मुस्कराहट

अपना जो है ले जाओ, मेरा जो है दे जाओ

                                                         - Neelesh Misra

लगता है आज ज़िन्दगी कुछ खफा है

चलिए छोड़िये कौन सी पहली दफा है

                                                         - Gulzar

टूटे हुए दिल से मुस्कुराना इश्क है

उसकी ख़ुशी के लिए उसे ही भूल जाना इश्क है

                                                         - Anonymous

बैठ तेरे सामने सोचा किये

शाम ज्यादा ख़ूबसूरत है की तू

                                                         - Neelesh Misra

दर्द हो दिल में तो दवा कीजिये 

दिल ही जब दर्द हो तो क्या कीजिये

                                                         - Mirza Ghalib

हमारे मन के कमरे में, यूँ एक मंज़र अनोखा हो 

हवा की तेज़ लहरें हों, कहीं पानी का झोंका हो 

और एक लम्हे की कश्ती पे, कुछ इस तरह तू बैठी हो

वही मेरी हकीकत हो, वही नज़रों का धोखा हो

हमारे मन के कमरे में, यूँ एक मंज़र अनोखा हो 

                                                         - Neelesh Misra

चुप रहो तो पूछता है खैर है

लो, ख़ामोशी भी शिकायत हो गयी

                                                         - Akhtar Ansari Akbarabadi

उसको मालूम कहाँ होगा, क्या खबर होगी

वो मेरे दिल के टूटने से बेखबर होगी

वक़्त बीतेगा तो ये घाव भर भी जायेंगे

पर ये थोड़ी सी तो तकलीफ़ उम्र भर होगी

                                                         - Neelesh Misra

ये कैसा नशा है

मैं किस अजब खुमार में हूँ

तू आ के जा भी चुकी है

मैं इंतज़ार में हूँ

                                                         - Muneer Niyazi

अपनी यादों से कहो एक दिन की छुट्टी दे मुझे

इश्क के हिस्से में भी इतवार होना चाहिए

                                                         - Munawwar Rana

2/03/2019 08:50:00 pm Share:

My Dream Phone

I wish we could buy assembled mobile phones just as we have assembled PCs. I feel this because nowadays it's very difficult to find a phone that would have the specs you would want it to have. For me it has become difficult.

I wish there was a phone available in the market with the specs I want it to have. A phone with the body dimensions not more than 5 inches. Battery 5000 mAh. Either internal memory 64 GB or a dedicated external microSD card slot. Any one among the two would suffice. Dual SIM 4G of course. RAM at least 3 GB. These are the main concerns. Rest all can be made up.

I don't find a phone with above specs available so far. Either I have to compromise on the dimensions as manufacturing companies have started inflating phone sizes to the extent of making them tablets or the battery given is around 3000 mAh. I hope someday they will make this.

1/20/2019 12:01:00 am Share:

यादें - The memories

किसी इंसान को पूरी तरह भूल जाना कितना मुश्किल हो सकता है? अगर इस बात को आप सोचें तो अधिकांश लोगों को लगेगा कि ये क्या बेकार की बात है। कुछ नहीं होता किसी को भुलाना। सब बेवजह बेफ़िज़ूल की दिखावट है।

काश यह सच होता। हम कितनी गहराई तक पहुँच जाते हैं किसी इंसान के साथ। पर ये यादें ही तो हैं जो सबकुछ ले आती हैं। जिन चीजों को आप भूलना चाहते हैं वही ले आती हैं ये यादें।

मैं असल में ज़्यादा कुछ चाहता नहीं था उससे। बस इतना था कि मुझे उसकी ज़रूरत थी। बस जैसे थी वो मेरे साथ, जिस तरह से पेश आती थी बस वैसे ही। ना तो मैंने कभी भविष्य चाहा ना ही उससे भी आगे का कुछ और। ये बात अलग है कि अगर वो भी हो जाये तो कुछ बुरा नही पर वो तो फिर किस्मत से कहीं ज़्यादा मिल जाने की बात होगी।

मैं तो जो था उसी से खुश था सिर्फ एक और चीज़ के अलावा। मैं चाहता था कि वो भी कह दे कि जो मुझे लग रहा है या जो मेरे साथ हो रहा है वो उसके साथ भी हो रहा है और उसे भी ऐसा ही लग रहा है। लेकिन ये बस मेरा एक वहम ही तो था। ना तो उसे मेरे जैसा कुछ एहसास हो रहा था ना ही ये सब कुछ उसके लिए मेरे जैसा था।

गलतफहमी तो शुरुआत से ही मेरी थी। मुझे शुरु में ही खुद को संभाल लेना चाहिए था। कितनी अजीब बात है ना कि आप उन्हीं चीजों से पहले भी गुज़र चुके हैं और तब सबक लेकर ये भी स्थिर किया था कि दुबारा यही गलती दोहरानी नहीं है। फिर भी सब कुछ धरा का धरा रह जाता है।
I wish things wouldn't have been like this.

I get so tempted at times. Just to talk once. And except the time I am at work, she's constantly there in my foreground or background, through and through, day and night.

It hurts. She probably must have forgotten me by now. Sometimes I see her WhatsApp DP. She's good. I wish her the best. And happiness.

1/17/2019 01:48:00 am Share:

Dreams

I am talking about both the dream. Those that you watch while asleep and those that you have when wide awake. And if both of them meet a common ground, then that situation becomes difficult if it's not achievable.

Today also was again the dream so real, so possible, that the whole day I will not be able to brush it aside. It's so real that it could have been one of those old days spent together just an year back. The group we always used to be everywhere. Be it college (of course) or outside. And the central theme being what I could have ever wanted.

I was upset with her due to something and she was there to pursue me in all the childish ways possible. Running around the venue. The place was sort of a Mushaira where both Gods were present, the Hindu too. And the shayar was rendering very beautiful couplets catering to the mixed audience. At times it even felt like it was a Jagrata on Navratra.

Everything around seemed festive with decorations and lights. Among all this we were four friends from our group. Me alone and she with the rest two, trying to constantly follow me around. Sometimes we ran, sometimes we hid. But finally they caught me and used the most brutal weapon upon me. The weapon from which I can never veer off. She started tickling me on my stomach and with that I was done. We went back happily together, pulling each other's leg.

I wish it happened in real, if not this then something similar. Or I wish I stop seeing her in dreams this often.

1/11/2019 09:50:00 am Share:

The Incessant Reminder

No matter how much I try to keep myself busy, immersed in anything from work to experiments, songs to stories, singing and recording to movies, visiting or walking outside on the roads, in everything I do there is a constant coming back, there's a constant reminder. Everywhere you see people, you see the same things and you're reminded of it again.

May it be photos or real people, the more you try to avoid somebody, the more they prop up in your stance. And it's there always in my mind. In fact it's there all the time. Even in my subconscious, in my sleep, in my dreams. Even now after such long (almost a year now) I am frequently seeing her in my dreams. And in those dreams everything is as happy, as normal as it could have been. Nor even an ounce of what reality has offered me.

At this point I just want it to get over. I just want to be in a place where I am not reminded of her in any angle, nor a drop or photon of it. I want to be disconnected to the point where even the farthest related person to her or someone who could bring her mention in anyway, remains off of me. But that cannot be possible as how to tell them no avoid them without having any reason for it. Because they too are my friends and it's difficult.

I wish it ends sooner than I think it will take to end. Past experience tell me tow more years to completely get out of this clean. But two years is a very long time to pass in this state of mine. I hope my forecast is wrong in this case. I also wish for her happiness.

1/01/2019 01:38:00 pm Share:

Unbearable

Sometimes this hurts real bad and it becomes quite consistent in nature and unbearable. The sensation of pain or something in the chest.

It's December now. Almost a year of not knowing her. And a total two years of becoming friends with her. I hope this void year has helped me become strong and indifferent. I wish time passes by more fast. These vulnerable moments, affliction of it all will have to be born by me, by time upon me. I am positive about the fact that "this too shall pass".

It's just that I always feel if only we had the control on these things.

12/02/2018 04:14:00 am Share:

Untitled

Kept the post title as untitled because this time no title is coming to my mind as i write this. After the last time she called me and I wrote the previous post titled "Just felt like writing", today is the day she called.

But today was different, I don't know what is happening to me but yesterday night was one of those bad nights. So is it some kind of telepathy or cosmic connection that she called today, or just a mere coincidence. Whatever it was, but the stranger thing is that I was so happy or frightened at the moment when I saw her name flashing on my phone's screen, that I was shivering. While talking to her I felt so nervous today, and my whole body was shaking. My heart was beating fast and legs quivering.

She talked mostly about work, and so it was just a normal talk about job and better job opportunities at other places. Things of that sort. And thankfully though I had a status call just a fee minutes after. So I got a legitimate reason to drop off early.

Actually from inside, I didn't want to stop talking to her today. Because I miss the friend I lost in her. A great friend with whom I could share anything. Her talk today made me realise how badly I need her.

But it's better to let go now. As it will become more difficult for me. I am saying this as if how good the current me is. Haha.....better to try deleting the encrypted files whose encryption key you've lost than keeping them and remembering what was there in them.

11/13/2018 11:31:00 pm Share:

Just felt like writing.

I feel like writing here the moment you call me because I want to create a conversation in as much detail as possible. Although I don't talk to you on call and always try to end it as soon as possible only because I don't want you to know my condition and state. Just the day before yesterday I met a very old friend of mine coincidentally for the second time in three years. She despite having no idea about intricacies of my life told me that I am in depression although I don't realise it just when I told her how I feel inside. I don't want you to know anything about me anymore because it doesn't matter. Hence the short call and dropping off soon after. I don't want you to feel any bad about yourself if at all.

I am still strongly stuck in this sticking alloy of emotions and feelings, drowning me deep into its eye.

I don't know if my feeling of disinterest in anything, slow and negative response to life, empty dreams and loss of enthusiasm is just for what happened between us or is a culmination of all the unwanted recent loses that happened in my personal life. I have a very strong desire that for me everything is over. I am fed up of being here. I am fed up of being human. I am fed up of being at the receiving end of problems, worries, rejections and life itself. But I am not courageous enough to take the step that would end it all. I am very weak and coward in that department. I just wish if we have a system where it can be done willingly and legitimately, then I would be saved from all this. I genuinely have done everything that I was meant to do in life, nothing is left that I desire or still want.

10/16/2018 05:35:00 pm Share:

It's right only.

Well if I think about it, it's right only. For a loser like me, the one who cannot even handle his own mess, creates blunder out of thin air, it's only rightful. How can somebody perfect like you should even be an acquaintance to an imbecile like me.

Maybe I am exactly like one of those stupid bollywood movie heroes who mistook your friendship, your sympathy as love. I imbibed you in my thoughts and  dreams in such a way that I became blind to the fact that you might be having something else in your heart, in your mind, your own dreams.

I am really very sorry for it all. It's absolutely my fault. It's totally my mistake. I went into the wrong view of such a great friendship. I am sorry for ruining it all. I am to be blamed for taking it wrongly in the first place and then breaking the beautiful friendship out of it just because I couldn't handle it for the perspective I had. Maybe it was supposed to be just the way it was for you. I, due to my vulnerability to fall for you, my weakness to have seen something else in place of friendship, my inability to understand the simple friendship and blow it to whole another dimension is the cause of it all.

Forgive me if it's possible to do so. I also was one of those common-typical-boys who mistook your helpful simple friendship for something else.

9/28/2018 09:09:00 am Share:

Why?

Why did you do this. Why does everyone have to become a saint or this great helper. I know you thought you would help me this way, you would give me happiness but didn't you think a simple thing that what I would feel when I would know that all that was fake. All that was the art of masking by you just because you thought it would give me joy. Didn't you think that there might be a chance that it happens for me in real unlike you and how hurtful it would become for me once the truth is revealed.

In the beginning I was detached and I promised myself to keep it that way. But your perfect display of interest confused me. Slowly I began to think it was the truth. I couldn't see that it wasn't true, it was just a portrayal. Maybe your acting is so real that I couldn't see through it and went the wrong way. I know you would never accept this what I am saying. You would say you were normal. If that is the case then surely something is wrong with me. Maybe because I am a hyper-emotional fool. Whatever it was, I saw something else, something special. It was there, even though for a meagre portion, but it was there. That's why I earlier said that your portrayal felt real to me. And that's what immerses me in immense pain when that realisation hits me that it was not what I saw it was, it was not true, it was all false. It was all there just for a purpose. This is the most difficult to process.

It's been months yet nothing has changed. Not a day goes by without me thinking about you more than twice. No matter how much I fool myself with office work, movies, books, it never goes away. And mostly the nights. With this comes all the loses that I have had in my life so far. How alone I have become. How close all they were and how unreachable they are now. Not unreachable, talking about them makes no sense now as they don't exist anymore. And I keep waiting for myself to become extinct just like them.

All that story and drama I created, that I would forget all this and only think about friendship, those steps and protocols I would follow, the methods, that written article that I read out to you, all that was just to make you feel good. All that was just to prevent you from thinking that any of it was your fault. In reality no matter how much precaution anyone takes, these things don't just fade away. No matter what method or procedure one follows, these will haunt them for time. Similarly I will also have to bear it. I will have to suffer for the way I handled things. Knowing all well before everything happened about the end result because of my past experience and my super luck, I fell for this trap on my own. It's definitely my own doing, my own mistake. So the pain is absolutely justified and there's no escape from it.

I hope someday I will be free again. With a super strong determination to be devoid of these things in life, no matter how tempting it becomes. No matter how happy it feels in that moment.
I am hopeful to get relief from this someday. I just wish it not to be that long. I know time will heal me. I will recover someday.

9/16/2018 08:53:00 am Share:

Door Kahin Koi Rota Hai

This poem was written by Mr. Atal Bihari Vajpayee. This poem is small in length but conveys so much in just a few lines.

दूर कहीं कोई रोता है

तन पर पहरा भटक रहा मन 

साथी है केवल सूनापन

बिछुड़ गया क्या स्वजन किसी का

क्रंदन सदा करूण होता है

दूर कहीं कोई रोता है 

जन्म दिवस पर हम इठलाते

क्यों ना मरण त्यौहार मनाते

अन्तिम यात्रा के अवसर पर

आँसू का अशकुन होता है

दूर कहीं कोई रोता है

अंतर रोयें आँख ना रोयें

धुल जायेंगे स्वप्न संजोये

छलना भरे विश्व में केवल

सपना ही तो सच होता है

दूर कहीं कोई रोता है

इस जीवन से मृत्यु भली है

आतंकित जब गली गली है

मैं भी रोता आसपास जब 

कोई कहीं नहीं होता है 

दूर कहीं कोई रोता है 

दूर कहीं कोई रोता है

                                     - अटल बिहारी वाजपेयी

Such powerfull feelings and totally relatable. Great poem by a great person. 

8/18/2018 10:35:00 am Share: