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Sunday 16 September 2018

Why?

Posted by Subham  |  2 comments

Why did you do this. Why does everyone have to become a saint or this great helper. I know you thought you would help me this way, you would give me happiness but didn't you think a simple thing that what I would feel when I would know that all that was fake. All that was the art of masking by you just because you thought it would give me joy. Didn't you think that there might be a chance that it happens for me in real unlike you and how hurtful it would become for me once the truth is revealed.

In the beginning I was detached and I promised myself to keep it that way. But your perfect display of interest confused me. Slowly I began to think it was the truth. I couldn't see that it wasn't true, it was just a portrayal. Maybe your acting is so real that I couldn't see through it and went the wrong way. I know you would never accept this what I am saying. You would say you were normal. If that is the case then surely something is wrong with me. Maybe because I am a hyper-emotional fool. Whatever it was, I saw something else, something special. It was there, even though for a meagre portion, but it was there. That's why I earlier said that your portrayal felt real to me. And that's what immerses me in immense pain when that realisation hits me that it was not what I saw it was, it was not true, it was all false. It was all there just for a purpose. This is the most difficult to process.

It's been months yet nothing has changed. Not a day goes by without me thinking about you more than twice. No matter how much I fool myself with office work, movies, books, it never goes away. And mostly the nights. With this comes all the loses that I have had in my life so far. How alone I have become. How close all they were and how unreachable they are now. Not unreachable, talking about them makes no sense now as they don't exist anymore. And I keep waiting for myself to become extinct just like them.

All that story and drama I created, that I would forget all this and only think about friendship, those steps and protocols I would follow, the methods, that written article that I read out to you, all that was just to make you feel good. All that was just to prevent you from thinking that any of it was your fault. In reality no matter how much precaution anyone takes, these things don't just fade away. No matter what method or procedure one follows, these will haunt them for time. Similarly I will also have to bear it. I will have to suffer for the way I handled things. Knowing all well before everything happened about the end result because of my past experience and my super luck, I fell for this trap on my own. It's definitely my own doing, my own mistake. So the pain is absolutely justified and there's no escape from it.

I hope someday I will be free again. With a super strong determination to be devoid of these things in life, no matter how tempting it becomes. No matter how happy it feels in that moment.
I am hopeful to get relief from this someday. I just wish it not to be that long. I know time will heal me. I will recover someday.

9/16/2018 08:53:00 am Share:
About Subham Ram

Subham is an undergraduate student pursuing his studies in IT. He is a curious fellow who wants to know everything about everything except somethings. He loves learning web-designing, singing, reading novels and a little bit of writing. Follow him on Twitter.

2 comments:

  1. Sometimes the saddest people smile the brightest. And what might seem display to the human eye might actually be something else altogether. May be what you felt for a meagre portion was true after all and may be the person you think actually wronged you and put up a mask is actually going through a hell that is beyond words.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah of course. She was/is going through hell. That's for sure, but if she truly had something, why not accept it and take it forward? Why not share the hell with me since we were happy together in giving comfort to each other on painful things, things that needed introspection. I never wanted anything from her, just her telling me about her feeling towards me (if she actually had any) would suffice and I could wait for her till forever to come out of her hell or whatever.

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This is a personal blog of Subham who writes here to help others with tech-solutions or to express himself. So here 'US' consists of Subham only. This blog is purely a work of emotion driven writing except the technology posts. Thanks for visiting.
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