Padhaku

I don't know why people invented that word. That word is no short of acting as a nuclear weapon for an individual like me who isn't strong enough for things like those. There might be people like me who may feel that serious accusations like 'padhaku' should not be put unless and until it's really the fact. When I don't study at all and people call me padhaku I go into a state of lapse. Earlier I used to defend, now I am out of clue as my defence mechanism has accepted defeat.

Is it because you did well in school you're a padhaku, no matter how much time has passed after school?
Even after you've done very poor in plus two, you are a padhaku?
Even after you're not doing your graduation from any elite institute, you're a padhaku!
Even after you're just average in college, you're a padhaku!
Even after you've come to a stage that you start hating studies or you don't want people to see you with books (even if you're really not studying) just because you don't want them to consider/label you a padhaku.

Even after all this you would still find souls who launch that nuclear weapon upon you, not that they think about what this verbal wound could cause, but they're the people right? They have every right to say or feel whatever they want. I am yet to find out a solution to this. But because of this some may say, why or how does it matter to me. For them, they would never know it's how I am hard-wired. It's how I function or maybe it's true that I am weak, feeble.

P.S: 'Padhaku' is a hindi word which literally means 'Studious' but is used in a bullying way as an expletive/swear.

2/01/2017 10:03:00 pm Share:

Melancholy

Imagine how a person would feel if his friend tells him that they wouldn't ever call him in case of emergency, when they need help in any situation, just because the person avoids taking help or gifts from them because he believes he shouldn't be a debtor in anything, believes in equilibrium. The person avoids or resists gifts or things like that just because he is wired that way from childhood. That's what he has been taught by his environment. Maybe since he thinks he can't afford to gift stuff as others do, he resists or doesn't feel good about taking something from someone without paying. This may come across as totally weird to some, and some may even not understand what I am taking about here, but think about the person. How hurt or wrong he might feel thinking that his friend wouldn't take his help just because he resists taking gifts.

Well, people are as diverse as their DNAs make them. Nothing to be done here!

11/25/2016 08:57:00 pm Share:

KK - the most underrated singer !

For example, there was a song in The Killer.......teri yaadon mein khoya rehta hoon......that song must have been heard by all but no one knew the singer.  Similarly Ding Dong Ding Dole was a song....very hit.... played in every wedding around that time. There were various songs like that.....like Kya mujhe pyar hai ya......me.... friends around me.... school mates.... every one used to hum His songs....but no one knew.....and the trend continues.....but I lost my ignorance in or around 2009..... watched the winner of that  season's indian idol express the ultimate wish to meet KK. The name itself made me curious. A short form. I had started looking around singers of songs by then. Knew people like Sonu Nigam, Shaan, Pritam, Mika, Sunidhi, Shreya, Udit Narayan, Kumar Sanu, Alka Yagnik..... but nothing about this guy KK. No source of information at all. Used to watch singer interviews on music channels and those singing reality shows just to know if anyone says anything about these 2 letters - KK. Finally I got hold of the internet through bhaiya's Nokia C001 classic java phone. At that time there was a little info of KK on the internet. But thankfully there was this Wikipedia page with all the discography of Him. And then I came to know that most of the amazing songs we are around , are sung by Him. From then on I kept track of Him.  Sajde Kiye Hain Lakhon from Khatta Meetha and I am In Love from Once upon a time in mumbai were the first songs of KK that I heard after I came to know that these were sung by Him. And there on I fell for His singing. Firstly it was His voice that I fell for. That voice which makes you imagine a young charismatic college going boy of 21-22 with all the coolness and charm one can hold. Then I fell for his versatility. The ease with which He pulls off any tone, note, rhythm or scale. His long vocal range that can go as low and as high as it sounds good with that kind of fresh voice. No boundaries at all. Just take an example of Alvida or O Mama or Abhi Abhi or Soniyo or Tere Bin Ho Na Sakega Guzara or Chadhta Sooraj.. huh....list goes on. The feel and emotion I feel in His singing is rare. That is said for most of the established singers, yet for me what He renders touches the heart. Then the more I got to know him through His interviews, news interviews, radio interviews and all his videos on the internet, I fell for his sense of life. I fell for his personality. His views on life, fame, work. His principles of enjoying this ride. His nature and the person he is.

I am an agnostic, but if I think of myself as a believer, then I know He is God.

11/04/2016 05:30:00 pm Share:

It's not easy.

I have always been a person who prefers sitting alone than being around people. I may be called an introvert. I also wanted to die right few years into my childhood. I am the kind of person for whom living or being dead doesn't matter much. Although given a chance I would certainly would like to be in peace, in death. And this conception of mine isn't new. I had been like this right from the childhood. Well are obvious reasons too but that discussion is out of the scope of publishing since it's extremely personal and involves family.

But in the last 2 years, I have been constantly losing people. First my cousin  brother, right in my own arms. I have seen very few people filled with as much wish to enjoy life the way he did. He was what we call carpe diem. He always lived in the present. Spent without caring a damn about future. And death was the last thing he would think if ever he would. He didn't give us more than a few seconds to save him.

This year dadi (grandfather's sister) right before the marriage of his son, just a few days before, met with a TBI. Spent a month in hospital fighting and finally gave up. I with my grandfather went to cremate her. She was the one in the family who was a role model for everyone as she was so much like her brother in strength, leadership, risk-taker and bold. Always wanted to talk so much to her. Never got that occasion. All this only because my grandfather always talked so highly of her. He from time to time used to tell stories of her youth.

And just as two months had passed, a major blow hit. It was my grandfather. Perfectly healthy, perfectly fine, yet this. There's no explanation to this. The person who was the closest to me on this whole big universal set of people I have come to know in my life. Even as I write this I feel has it really happened or is it not reality. How can this happen. It's just unimaginable. He has just perfect. Neither he was very old that we say it's due to that. But yes, one thing I have known from the first death of my life, my cousin brother's, that it doesn't take more than a few seconds to die. It's that easy.
The man who powered the complete house. The man who was behind every little thing that my family is. The man who was my and most of my extended family's idol. The man who started working at the age of 16 to support his big family of 8 siblings with no father or mother. The man who left everything behind for his brothers, took nothing from them and left for a city, to make his own home with his wife. There are so many deeds of him that I know of. I used to tell him why doesn't he start writing an autobiography but as I know he never had time. He was still working for the us at this age. May it be the opening of locks on main gate in morning, be it bringing snacks or vegetables for the house, be it doing all the calculations of the business, be it advice or plan for stocking for the shop, be it any minor or major problem that the house has come up with. He was the man to he sought for any problem. 

It's not very easy to keep myself normal after having lost so much in such a small duration of time. It's not easy to not cry or cry in silence in the nights when you feel that this has really happened. It's not that  easy to come to terms with this recent blow. Those 20 years you have been living with the person, with his orders, with his jokes, with his stories, with his food, with his teachings, with his Geeta recitals, with his immense knowledge of things, and all of a sudden you realise you will not get scolded anymore by him, he will not be there to tell you his experiences anymore, he will not be there to ask you what do you want and he will not bring you whatever you ask for. 

It's acceptable to not live with him but it's not easy to live thinking that he is not there anymore and I can't see him anymore or touch his feet. He will not ask me anymore to massage his legs.

It's not easy.

9/19/2016 03:58:00 am Share:

Had there been Someone

I wish I had someone by my side now to talk to. Someone other than my relatives. Someone other than my friends. Someone special. Someone whom I could confide myself in. Someone whom I could talk to about anything. My insecurities.  My thoughts. My plans. My hopes. My dreams. Someone who would do the same to me. Someone being with whom I would feel safe. Someone I could always look forward to no matter the lows or highs. Someone to talk to endlessly. Someone who would take away the loneliness. Someone whom just talking to  would provide me with positive fresh energy. Someone whom I too would do the above things.
Enough. That's all for today.

4/12/2016 07:42:00 pm Share:

Fully cured!

Now I know and I am hundred percent certain that I have been cured of this phenomenon called Love. I will be eternally grateful to the entity or hormone or whatever that caused this disease to rip off my soul or mind or body. I am so happy and free now. I wanted this from such a long time.
I don't want to commit this mistake again. It was hell of an experience. I am doing fair if not good right now. I know I will be doing good and I try to achieve that from now on. And yes I also have to spend a little amount of my energy to stay away from this devil - Love. It has always been my request to any fellow human being to stay away from love. It ruins your life. And I say that again.
Thank you.
I am happy again. No more sorrow.

3/21/2016 05:27:00 pm Share:

I wish if there could be a reset button in Life!

It's been 3 and half years of my constant trying, to reset this thing and get this load off. I just cannot delete it. Most of the times I feel that, yes I have been successful in doing it. I have overcome. I have recovered from this ruthless and annoying disease. Now am free. But no, when I think more deeply, I find that to be what I want, not what I have been able to achieve. I am just embedding those false feelings over the reality. The reality is, I haven't been able to get rid of it. If God exists (I know there is nothing as such), I always pray that please let me be free again, so that I don't do that mistake again and land myself in trouble. I pray for that button or chemical/physical/hormonal phenomenon which could reset it in any way possible.
I wish I had not fallen in it, the trap. Maybe this is the time it should have happened, and I would have found the correct one without any mistake and would have avoided this long vacant ill period. People/websites/forums say it takes time. But is three years not enough? I envy those people who pass this phase within weeks or months. Almost all seem to pass it in a year or so. What's wrong with me? There are people (whom I find many in numbers and around me all the time) who do it in days. They just don't have any problem at all in moving on. I want to become like them.
When will I be able to leave from the clutches of this evil. Time, please do something. You are my only hope.

11/27/2015 12:31:00 pm Share:

The Mindless

I am really a very high standard idiot. The foolishness in me is vast. Sometimes it's beyond measure. The pristine universe's space isn't huge enough to explain my stupidity. I may also see it as my extreme prowess of taking shortcuts by my dear brain. My brain is so lazy that it takes shortcuts even for the most obvious things. It's an incredible catastrophic kind of resource which has gone out of it's usual doings. If I am to meet someone shouldn't I call them before going out to the meeting venue? But no! My brain takes a shortcut and doesn't think about it, since it has come to know the fact that the person might have already reached just because her father (my father as well) called me telling that why don't I get up, brush my teeth, take bath, have breakfast and go and meet her. Here my brain thinks let's get going because I am already late as I played 4 battles (Clash of Clans) since my father called.

Thus, here I am again in burning anger, cursing myself the whole lot of expletives the mankind has ever invented and known. During this whole 2 hours of waiting which is still on, I would have easily completed my achievement of 1250 trophies under the cool fan on my bed away from this evaporating heat and sweat. I hate this that I wasted this much of time. Why am I waiting here under this tree and typing this article which I think will be in my blog after a very long break. Maybe I start writing only when am too angry or feel very empty. Doesn't matter. I have already thrown my anger on my phone's keypad. But there's still a lot of it for my beloved sister when she arrives.

Enjoy the sun!

Cheers :D

10/11/2015 09:19:00 am Share:

Unknown

The following writing was sent to me by someone and I thought of publishing it here with the authors consent. But the author wants to remain anonymous, so I am not going to publish the name.

I don’t know what to write as the topic of this post. Will leave this article untitled if I don’t work out a title till the end of the writing. I feel sorrow and lament inside me right now. How do you feel when you are thought of as someone who has killed his own brother and that too by someone who is very dear to you and has a direct relation with the person gone. How can a person of your own relation, so close to you, think of you as the person who did nothing to save their child. I don’t know how to react. I don’t know how to talk. I don’t know what to talk. I don’t know what to feel. How should I deal myself. 

Picture credit Huffingtonpost

Maybe they are right. Maybe they are supposed to act in exactly that way. Maybe I am thinking too much. Maybe since they are the nearest to the person gone, they are doing the correct thing. But how can they forget all those moments that we spent together? What about the immense love we have for him. The years spent together. The thing and matters as they were before the incident were so different. How can a brother let his sister’s son die without doing anything? How can she say he didn't do anything? How can she say it all happened because of us?
This was really bad. If God exists and he does these things then He shouldn't have done this to him. If a person is so eager to die but He shovels the other one who wanted to live life to the fullest and always tried doing so. There were so many options.
But things happen and it has happened.

-Anonymous

3/24/2015 10:17:00 pm Share:

Emotions hurt!

Today I and my other roommate had to break the lock because my third roommate accidentally took the only key with him to his college. We were really tired and were sweating heavy in the heat. But still we did a bit of roaming around and watched a bit of the world cup semi-final between South Africa and New Zealand. Then we decided to break the lock.

Now when the third roommate arrived, I asked him in a joking tone that why had he taken the key with him. He replied abruptly and said we could have waited 3 hours without breaking the key. I told him about our state at that time of afternoon but still he reacts such rudely. And then he along with my other roommate ask for my laptop to watch a movie. What kind of behavior is this? I was reading the newspaper and he goes out of the room switching the lights off. Great!
I didn't say anything because I don't want bring bitterness in our friendship. But this time I have been wounded hard. I feel sad. I am hurt with these strange ways of human psychology.

3/24/2015 07:56:00 pm Share:

Love

Love knows no limits.

My heart still feels she will be back. Its ridiculous, that someone breaks your heart, leaves you forever and you still love them with every broken piece, tears come out from your heart and covers your soul, still nothing can ease your pain.
People ask you reasons for your sadness and when you share your pain they tell their stories and try to convince they had gone through more bitter phases. Everyone can listen to your words but no one can understand your feelings, they ask you to be strong, and you have to pretend that you are happy because you don't want to punish your loved ones for your mistake.

Your soul cries sliently but your tears shouldn't tricle down, you want to share how you feel but you don't have words that describe your pain.
And you feel empty, you feel like dying but you have to live for your parents, you have to choose between "Die for your love" or "Live for your parents' love", physically you survive but emotionally you die.

I believe in loving someone forever, but waiting seems endless.
Love is the most amazing feeling but this gives the most unbearable pain as well. Lucky are the ones who are still with the person they love. Value them friends, because love is not easy to get, but once you fall in love it's impossible to forget.

Subham

2/05/2015 05:17:00 pm Share:

Stupid Me!

I am feeling stupid right now. Not just stupid but at the hight of stupidity. I really am a non-thinking thinker who once again did a thing without any prior thinking. Or maybe I thought but not in that detail. Maybe it was just a simple thing but am making it sound such heavy a issue just to hide my stupidity.
Tomorrow I have a Basic Electronics practical class where I am supposed to submit the last experiment's report. So I (without thinking and remembering about the last semester) went out to a stationary and bought back a practical record copy. In the last semester we had to submit practical records on loose sheets. And I forgot this simple thing and bought that copy.
Poor me!

Subham

1/27/2015 06:31:00 pm Share: