We are so different

I am no more a loner. I have started loving the idea of living with family. My family. All I wanted was, a partner in that. A friend. Ek saathi. To share all the things with. Besides that even when I was small, back in childhood, I had this noble idea that how great it would be if my family and my partner's family would live together, then she won't feel like she left her home to come to mine after marriage and it would be symbolically equality too. Also, had always thought since childhood to live together with my brother (pishi's son) when we become adults.

Living alone in far off city, bustling with people, jammed with cars, buses and motorbikes, is not something I wanted anymore. So far away that I can't even be home when needed without thinking about travel. Also the sheer time and money spent in that.

A city where everything is so costly, where you inhale tons of vehicular fumes daily or whenever you commute via roads, a city that's foreign to my culture, foreign to my language among other things.

I never wanted to think of creating a family or raising kids in an environment that's secluded, lonely. For them, I still believe, the best cognitive development, physical, emotional and all forms of development, best happens when they are surrounded by people, by elders of the family, avenues to play, listen to stories in old ways, away from the screens.

Also, my original love of my life, my childhood love has been pishi. I don't want to be away from her anymore. I want to help her. She is too getting old. I miss her. I think, if I can help her even a little bit in day to day life. I want to help my brother as well, in handling the shop, our family. It becomes very difficult at times to handle everything alone. There's my grandmother, my mom, pishi, his wife and their two kids and the shop and home and everything, it becomes overwhelming at times. Also there's added responsibility towards my elder pishi who lost their son 12 years ago. Also younger pishi too. We still consider them as our own. So at times when needed, my brother has to take care of them as well. Those times it becomes difficult to handle everything alone.

But I don't know what is going to happen now. I don't think Jo likes any of it. She loves living alone, secluded, in private, away from people. She loves the big busy city. She loves the distance. She has a job which she doesn't want to let go to try other options. She thinks she won't be able to live freely if we live at home with my family. While I think we need to steal and can steal our own moments even at home, we can still live a bit privately even at home. Also I don't think she likes my family.

Along with this, now we also have her mom to take care of. She is alone, so she has to stay with us. And due to all this, she might think it would be best to live in the city with her mom.

Initially when we had discussions on this topic, I got the impression that she would be open to the idea. She would consider doing it. But talking recently after this massive catastrophe that has happened in her life, at this moment of weakness and vulnerability, I could clearly see her thoughts and wants and desires about where she wants to live. I was so wrong earlier in my thinking. She will never be comfortable or she will never be able to accept living with us back home.

I had noticed her mother's enmeshed relationship with her in the initial days itself. I had multiple discussions with her. Each and every time she assured me it would not create problems and that she will start working on fixing her connection with her mother. One of the primary reasons I was hesitant to even start looking for girls to marry, was this. I never wanted a girl-mom combo, where mom tells and does each and everything for the girl, all opinions and decisions are of her mother, the mother controlling each and every bit of the daughter's life. Because I have seen it, first hand, destroy my own family. I have seen how slowly it completely annihilates the family with the most suffering caused to my dad. All because of my mother and her bond with my grandmother (mother's mother). I come from that broken family with trauma introduced right from a very young age, the formative years when a child's majority of development happens, that's when me and my sister were suffering daily doses of domestic strife and conflicts. 

I see now nothing has changed over these months. She hasn't and doesn't want to change anything with her mother. So many instances I keep seeing the influence. Her mother doesn't let her go alone anywhere, even if it is for a simple paper print errand, and she listens and obeys. This is just a very small example, been seeing this kind of thing since a long time, and nothing has changed.

I reckon, there will be constant conflicts between her mother's opinions and decisions and mine. And me being a non conformist, it will create havoc. Ultimately she will listen to her mom, because convincing her mom on anything is impossible, so she will just tell me to consider her and slowly slowly this will become a habit. Me being the kind of person I am, I don't think I would be in peace anymore. 

Also it is so evil of me to even ask her do it, as they have been together since ages, since she was born, she had her mother as her only friend. So I guess this enmeshed relationship was bound to happen. I was still okay thinking that anyway her mom would not live with us, so I thought it might still be okay. But now circumstances have flipped. She will have to live with us. I guess as they say, jis chiz se aap bhaagte ho, wohi chiz aapke piche piche aati hai. Now everything feels like I am doing and getting the exact things that I didn't want. Absolutely the stuff that I wanted to stay away from, exactly that stuff is coming to me.

I wanted an independent girl, who could take her own decisions, who had her own opinions. I wanted someone who was a fighter, not an abla naari. Someone who could do stuff on her own and not a homely princess. Someone tough, fearless, who could defend themself even when alone. It seems, I got the exact opposite.

I guess I misjudged in thinking she was like me. I guess I ruined her life, she could have found a much better guy, suitable to her desires, her needs, her thinking, suitable to her wants. Now it's messed up. She has fallen for me. And I love her, so can't see her suffer. So, I guess I will have to reimagine my life. It is going to be extremely difficult. Completely opposite of what I had imagined. I am feeling extremely scared.

At times I feel, a person like me, with such different thoughts and thinking, shouldn't have decided to get married. People like me should stay single. But then, there is an urge to share my life with a friend, a partner. It feels like all this could have been done easier with a partner. Who knew that everything would change completely with my search for a friend, a partner.

1/07/2026 09:11:00 am Share:

Pain or Sorrow?

I think pain or sorrow are one of the constant things of life. More so in my case? Or is it the same for everyone? Or is it that everyone feels like their life has more frequent pain or sorrow?

I don't know what I keep doing wrong always, each and every freakin time. Am I born just to bear pain? Emotional pain, not the physical one. Or is it that I give too much importance to the pain I have? Maybe others too get it but they are able to focus on other things, shallowing it in the process? While me here is someone who ponders too much in the pain? Am I sadistic in that sense? I don't think so. I have never enjoyed having pain. I have always thought of relief instead of pain.

But I do have to give credit to my luck. It constantly and consistently gives me people who cause me pain. Bravo.

Or I have a thing for getting attracted to people who will cause me pain. Maybe. I am a good magnet for people like that. Or do I get attached too easily?

This post has been written over a span of months. Today is 18 July 2025. Lines above this were written few weeks ago. Swayanshu had called me I think in May sometime. To tell me about the inevitable. Her marriage was fixed. I kept thinking after that, maybe it was yesterday, maybe today. Not everyday, once in a while whenever she crossed my mind. Today I thought of checking her instagram. Found out just now that the deed was done in June itself or maybe before. I was still so much away from reality. These movies really ruin some of us. I shouldn't have been surprised seeing those pictures, yet I was. I don't know what level of crazy I am to still have had a hope that I was the hero of the story and somehow things would turn around. I guess some of us are beyond repair. Once broken, broken for ever?

I still have those questions for you.

I wish you all the happiness for you. Keep your childish self alive as you always have.

6/02/2025 08:45:00 pm Share:

Where have I reached?

Where have I reached? Can it go any lower than this? Well, I keep thinking that once in a while, but then I surprise myself again. It has come to the point now that I have started dreading Saturday and Sunday. In Bangalore, alone. This is such a pitiful situation that I am no more liking Saturday and Sunday. Such atrocious that it has become so difficult to go through the holidays, weekends, any off from work.

I had never imagined I myself would reach such a place and time in my own life. Had always thought people fool who would say such things.

Among all this the stangest thing is I was a person who always had something or the other to do. I always had less time. For me 24 hours had always been insufficient to do so many things that I had wanted to do. But of late, I don't feel like doing anything. I have lost interest in those things. Very very rarely now I feel like doing something.

I don't think I was meant for that whatever happened with me. This should have been someone else, not me. Maybe I was too delicate for it to happen to me, too sensitive a person.

4/26/2025 02:53:00 pm Share:

She ruined my life

Yes she did ruin my life. All these years, I have been thinking it was my mistake that I fell for her. I constantly and consistently told myself I was the one at fault, not her. I was so blinded, intoxicated, addicted to her, to her personality, to her persona, and kept her in the highest regard, in my definition she was God (although it's a different matter that I am agnostic), that I could never see anything wrong in her. I couldn't ever think she could be bad in anyway. 

Now if I think logically and see in retrospect, if I am the one to be blamed for my misery, then she too holds a fraction of my current state. All these years, almost 7 years, I lost. Now I am at nothing. Given the type of pain I went through and sometimes I still do, with all the recent research and findings on human beings' social life and impact of loneliness, I wouldn't be surprised if all this have had any physical implications on my body/mind/biological heart or might lead to weaking/takotsubo cardiomyopathy. It's almost as if a kid plays with a toy for a few minutes and then breaks some part of it and now the toy doesn't work anymore the way it used to. Haha....quite unfortunate a toy. 😁

I know I am the biggest fool and imbecile on this planet but despite that I don't know what made me deserve this. 

Not cursing her as I don't think I can ever do that. I will always want her to be happy. But of late not purely, but in a sense I might be arriving at a phase where this sher (shayari) seems apt.

Pehle deta hoon baddua usko

Fir dua usko baddua na lage.

1/26/2025 10:48:00 am Share:

Topics to discuss with your potential partner

Just noting down all the questions and topics that come to my mind while I think of a potential life partner. This is not an extensive list, but merely a starting point for meaningful conversations. This is not by order of importance at all.

- Are you interested in finding someone to get married to or are you being forced by parents to do this?

- Please give away all pretence, be your usual normal self, not to impress - you will find plenty of people, way better than me, so no need to put up a filter, no fear of judgement - even if I unconsciously judge, it doesn't matter as I am a nobody - absolute stranger.

- What gave away I am introvert? What are you?

- I am not the partying kind. I get awkward socially. I can't dance. If I do, I look like a donkey.

- I have fear of falling again in love as badly as last time and inviting the same pain again if you decide not to be together.

- I don't want to get attached again. Don't want to form another attachment which would cause me pain if there's a fallout. 

- Health is a non negotiable: Not asking you to change yourself directly, but be open to hearing ideas and study a bit on the topic to gain a better health, fit body (preventing fat).

- I would prefer someone who is not girlish (by girlish I mean the typical filmy girl who can't do anything on her own, pulls off the abla naari card every now and then), be independent. For example, I would like someone who takes less time to get ready and doesn't do too much sajna sanwarna each and every time.

- Honesty - no fake - be direct - no layer/filter - be your real self - no sophistication for the sake of it

- No politics

- No showoff, no fake appearance or language or look certain way or speak certain way.

- What's your method/process to decide if someone is good for getting married to?

- Didn't find any suitable person so far? Why did it not work? Did you reject them? Why?

- How important is it for you to know someone before marrying them? 

- How to know each other? Any possiblity to stay together for sometime?

- Fell for someone? How many times? 

- What do u think about marriage?

- Family? Living with them? 

- Future arrangement? Prefer bustling city or back home small town/village?

- Kids

- My negatives - blunt, overthinker, emotional attachment issues, nerdy, frugal (+ve), simple, no showoff, non conformist, realist (borderline pessimist - I think worst case scenario to subvert disappointment later), sarcasm, very slow in life generally, last one in queue, slow eater, plan ahead to be able to afford being slow, chilled, relaxed and laidback in routine things, predictable things, mundane stuff. Super fast in things excited about.

- Barely lower middle class - is that fine?

- Religious views? God?

- Most traumatic experience? Its residue in your present?

- Happiness? What brings you joy?

- Ride bike? Learn? Swimming?

- Paragliding, scuba diving, rafting, sky diving, etc?

- Situation: Today is Thursday and as per old sayings, it is not good to eat fermented rice with puffed rice. I don't believe in these superstitions. What about you? Would you oppose or feel bad if I eat that combo? Or any similar things that would upset you?

- Situation: We are eating boiled egg and while serving it, I also touched the salt container accidentally. Now, at my home, the salt container and its salt can't be used normally or it has to be discarded and washed or it can be only used with nonveg cooking. Your take?

- Problems with less sleep/bad quality sleep: hairloss, pain in right heel and upper left arm/throat region

- At home might not talk that frequent, I am conscious of surroundings and everything is not for everyone to listen

- finances and future about it

- compatibility in sexual energies

- emotional blackmailing from family? How strong you are to recognise and override them?

- my family member situation

- Will you be clingy/possessive? I may be in my own sometimes, would that bother you?

- Will you be happy with me? Because I am broken. Is it even fair to you? I try to better myself, but on some days I fall back. I succumb to my own pain, the beautiful past, the magical memories. Despite knowing everything, I still long for the old.

- What is I change? What is over the years I become someone else? I no more be or do the things you initially liked?

1/05/2025 03:19:00 pm Share:

Questions for her!

I think I am slowly getting cured again. But I guess थोड़ी सी तो तक़लीफ़ उम्र भर होगी maybe.

Anyway, I have a few questions for you. Time and again I have always tried to devise their answers in my own head, with all my mental prowess, analysis based on the things you had told me and I had observed. But I would really want to know these from you someday. Hopefully. Even if not, I guess that's fine too. I am slowly making peace with myself.

Do you remember those days, those weeks, those months, and that year and a half when we spent time together? We talked. We walked. We rode on your scooter and mapped the city. We ate. We studied. During all that time, you constantly mentioned about longing and pain for that someone. The one who has gone a bit far from you or the one who only remains with you as a friend and not closer? The one with whom you had a past?

Were all these discussions about two different people or were they the same person? I had thought at that time it was about the same person Mukti. Was I wrong?

Although now I think you were maybe talking about two different people. At times about your past and feelings associated with that past, about Mukti. And other times about your present, the then present hurdle of getting closer to Stif. The challenge of wanting more in that relationship or friendship whatever you had. I didn't know about Stif until recently. I came to know about you and him just this year in August or so. Before that I never really thought you were pursuing him so much or vice-versa. Had seen him around you at times in college, thought was Codex club. Then during Mroads interviews/exams. Then in Hyderabad. I saw it all yet I never thought about you two. Maybe my heart came to know at the end when I confessed to you but my brain kept ignoring I guess. 

Maybe I am wrong about both these people and maybe it was someone else altogether or some other people. I would really like to know though.

And me, was I a charity case for you, a pet project to help me feel happy as you thought I was unhappy. Or charity to help me become better, or find friends or whatever? Or was I just an anchor for you in all this storm of heightened emotions? A simple friend with whom you can be your normal self without giving any effort and to be able to unburden yourself with all these baggage you were carrying, to relax a bit, get refreshed.

I don't know but I keep thinking about it sometimes. It is not to blame you or anyone. Just knowing the reality might help my conscience and put a stop to my imagination speculating all the permutations combinations. 

I know I am giving myself too much importance here. Maybe you didn't think of me at all, maybe you don't think of me at all. Maybe it was just a very mundane normal thing for you. Despite that, if you ever remember me, and would deem these questions worthy of some of your time and thoughts, I would be grateful to you, to get the answers of these questions.

12/20/2024 10:16:00 am Share:

Few more sher

ज़िन्दगी तेरे एक धक्के से 

रोड पर आ गए हैं कच्चे से 

हम को नीचे उतार लेंगे लोग

इश्क़ लटका रहेगा पंखे से

मैं वही हूँ यकीं करो मेरा 

मैं जो लगता नहीं हूँ चेहरे से

ये मोहब्बत वो घाट है जिस पर

दाग़ लगते हैं कपड़े धोने से

- Zia Mazkoor

इक पल में इक सदी का मज़ा हम से पूछिए

दो दिन की ज़िंदगी का मज़ा हम से पूछिए

भूले हैं रफ़्ता रफ़्ता उन्हें मुद्दतों में हम

क़िस्तों में ख़ुद-कुशी का मज़ा हम से पूछिए

- Khumar Barabankavi

मुद्दतें बीत गईं राह में बैठी हुई हूं

शहर से जा भी चुका शहर से जाने वाला

- Himanshi Babra

11/20/2024 08:00:00 pm Share:

Dump post

Had a blow today. Just heard a news which shouldn't have affected me this profoundly. It's actually a good news of 2 of my friends from school, close ones, getting married. I don't know why I am so shocked.

I am amazed why I feel like this. As if another path got shut. Slowly I feel full. I feel like I have had enough of life. Don't want to take any more of life, as if my stomach is full till the throat. I should be happy with this great news, while I feel sad.

I guess this too shall pass.

Life is unfair. Life is absolutely unfair. 

11/18/2024 08:12:00 pm Share:

Sharodiya Pujabarshiki - Good ones

Some of the sharodiya pujabarshiki books and magazines that I would like to explore given the kind of writers we have on them for the year 1431 or 2024. The list is not in any order and doesn't reciprocate my likelihood of them being good. For this list I went through the index of some 60 books released so far in September 2024 and took almost 5-6 hours of time.

1. Bartaman

2. Mayakanon

3. Shuktara

4. Kishore Bharti

5. Jol Phoring

6. Anandamela

7. Kishor Gyan Bigyan

8. Bhoot Bhutum

9. Aampata Jampata

9/18/2024 03:04:00 pm Share:

Recommendations to girls

Please don't dismiss me thinking I am preaching something forcefully. This is just a recommendation, nothing more. It is not an accusation either. 

This recommendation would only help fellow males like me who easily get swayed in feelings and emotions. Even if you don't follow, it doesn't harm you, it might harm only the males sometime.

The recommendation is to not show any remote signs of love (by love I mean the kind between 2 lovers or husband-wife) to male friends or signs of flirting or direct flirting or anything that remotely resembles a couple's love relationship. You might feel the urge to do it thinking that the poor guy is lonely and you are helping him get happiness or get to a better place. You might be doing so in the short run, but you are sowing seeds of destruction and demolition in the long run. God forbid, if the guy falls for you, starts developing feelings for you unfortunately while you might not have liked him in that way, it begins the story of a very long lasting torture programme for the guy. Most people move on, but some unlucky guys find it way way difficult to move on or are simply unable to move on. 

They live the pain again and again despite trying hard to forget the past, move on, take on more activities, make themselves busy beyond their own imagination and so on. But still, even with all this, there are times, they may break into shattered pieces, on the floor, continuously trying to collect themselves to rise and stand again. The memories of the magical times of past spent together keeps haunting them time to time. They keep going through that thinking what was wrong, how could he have made things go different. He keeps thinking why he met her. All this pain wouldn't have been there had he not come close to her or had he not let her come this close to him. He would think that he would have been in a better place had he controlled himself and avoided falling for her, he wouldn't have had lost interest in life or anything in general. And the worst part is he would keep blaming himself for all this. He would think it was all his mistake.

The pain is not just emotional, it is physical too. It is very dangerous and slowly weakens the person mentally and physically both. It's absolutely not a good condition to be in. It is very very harmful for the body. 

So be a little aware and responsible for what you might be doing to someone unknowingly. You might be scarring someone for life. That person might never feel that colour in his life anymore. It might become so difficult for him to even just fall asleep some nights when the memories would come gushing down and pain squeezing the heart out. 

8/20/2024 11:40:00 pm Share:

Cure not in sight

All those claims that time will heal everything is absolutely bogus. It seems my condition is getting worse day by day. Tears and sobbing are becoming company. Also the thoughts of ending the pain. I think ultimately I will be able to muster the courage to do it.

5/01/2024 02:04:00 am Share:

Lines

Kisi ko dekhne ke liye

Ek pal kaafi hai.

Usay pasand karne ke liye

Ek din kaafi hai.

Us se ishq karne ke liye

Ek saal kaafi hai.

Lekin us ek chehre ko bhoolne ke liye

Ek zindagi kam hai.

- Kumar Vishwas

Farq tha hum dono

Ki mohobbat mein.

Mujhe us se hee thi.

Usay mujh se bhi thi.

I met you and I was afraid that I might like you.

But I ended up liking you and was afraid that I might fall in love with you.

But eventually I fell in love with you and was afraid to lose you.

I lost you and now I am afraid I will never be able to forget you.

- Subham

Khush to wo rehte hain

Jo jismon se khelte hain.

Rooh se mohabbat karne walon ko

Aksar tadapte dekha hai.

Ab to koi showk, koi tamanna, koi aarzoo baaki nahi hai.

Ab to bas zindagi guzar jaye, bas itna hee kaafi hai.

Kaise kar lete hain log ishq, do chaar ke sath.

Mujhe to uske baad kisi ka khayaal tak nahi aaya.

Wo bohot kareeb aakar door hui hai mujhse.

Isliye ab mujhe kisi se nazdeekiyaan pasand nahi.

Bichhad gaye to ye dil umr bhar lagega nahi,

Lagega lagne laga hai, magar lagega nahi.

Nahi lagega use dekhkar, magar khush hai,

Main khush nahi hoon magar, dekh kar lagega nahi.

Hai koi jisse teri yaari na ho.

Aadmi itna bhi baazaari na ho.

Mujhse bhi ho kar wo aage badh chuka.

Dost bach ke ab teri baari na ho.

- Umair Najmi

Maine puchha tha, ke izhaar nahi ho sakta

Dil pukara ke, khabardar, nahi ho sakta.

Jisse puchein tere baare mein, yehi kehta hai

Khoobsurat hai wafadaar nahi ho sakta.

Nasha nahi hai magar ladkhadana chahte hain

Teri sharab ki izzat bachana chahte hain.

Humara mas-la ye hai ek shakhs se hum

Kayi tarah ka talluq banana chahte hain.

Hum isko lipatne ki ijaazat nahi dete.

Koshish to bohot karti hai tanhaai humari.

Chaand nikle aur uski izzat afzaai na ho.

Kaise mumkin hai nagar mein koi saudaai na ho.

Jisko apne baazuon mein bharke khush baitha hoon main.

Ya ilaahi ye mera ehsaas-e-tanhaai na ho.

Kyon na ei shakhs tujhe haath laga kar dekhun

Tu mere vehem se badhkar bhi to ho sakta hai

Ye jo hai phool hatheli pe ise bhool na jaana

Mera dil jism se baahar bhi to ho sakta hai

Kya zaroori hai ke hum haar ke jeetein Taabish.

Ishq ka khel barabar bhi to ho sakta hai.

- Abbas Tabish

4/26/2024 05:30:00 pm Share: