Pain or Sorrow?

I think pain or sorrow are one of the constant things of life. More so in my case? Or is it the same for everyone? Or is it that everyone feels like their life has more frequent pain or sorrow?

I don't know what I keep doing wrong always, each and every freakin time. Am I born just to bear pain? Emotional pain, not the physical one. Or is it that I give too much importance to the pain I have? Maybe others too get it but they are able to focus on other things, shallowing it in the process? While me here is someone who ponders too much in the pain? Am I sadistic in that sense? I don't think so. I have never enjoyed having pain. I have always thought of relief instead of pain.

But I do have to give credit to my luck. It constantly and consistently gives me people who cause me pain. Bravo.

Or I have a thing for getting attracted to people who will cause me pain. Maybe. I am a good magnet for people like that. Or do I get attached too easily?

6/02/2025 08:45:00 pm Share:

Where have I reached?

Where have I reached? Can it go any lower than this? Well, I keep thinking that once in a while, but then I surprise myself again. It has come to the point now that I have started dreading Saturday and Sunday. In Bangalore, alone. This is such a pitiful situation that I am no more liking Saturday and Sunday. Such atrocious that it has become so difficult to go through the holidays, weekends, any off from work.

I had never imagined I myself would reach such a place and time in my own life. Had always thought people fool who would say such things.

Among all this the stangest thing is I was a person who always had something or the other to do. I always had less time. For me 24 hours had always been insufficient to do so many things that I had wanted to do. But of late, I don't feel like doing anything. I have lost interest in those things. Very very rarely now I feel like doing something.

I don't think I was meant for that whatever happened with me. This should have been someone else, not me. Maybe I was too delicate for it to happen to me, too sensitive a person.

4/26/2025 02:53:00 pm Share:

She ruined my life

Yes she did ruin my life. All these years, I have been thinking it was my mistake that I fell for her. I constantly and consistently told myself I was the one at fault, not her. I was so blinded, intoxicated, addicted to her, to her personality, to her persona, and kept her in the highest regard, in my definition she was God (although it's a different matter that I am agnostic), that I could never see anything wrong in her. I couldn't ever think she could be bad in anyway. 

Now if I think logically and see in retrospect, if I am the one to be blamed for my misery, then she too holds a fraction of my current state. All these years, almost 7 years, I lost. Now I am at nothing. Given the type of pain I went through and sometimes I still do, with all the recent research and findings on human beings' social life and impact of loneliness, I wouldn't be surprised if all this have had any physical implications on my body/mind/biological heart or might lead to weaking/takotsubo cardiomyopathy. It's almost as if a kid plays with a toy for a few minutes and then breaks some part of it and now the toy doesn't work anymore the way it used to. Haha....quite unfortunate a toy. 😁

I know I am the biggest fool and imbecile on this planet but despite that I don't know what made me deserve this. 

Not cursing her as I don't think I can ever do that. I will always want her to be happy. But of late not purely, but in a sense I might be arriving at a phase where this sher (shayari) seems apt.

Pehle deta hoon baddua usko

Fir dua usko baddua na lage.

1/26/2025 10:48:00 am Share:

Topics to discuss with your potential partner

Just noting down all the questions and topics that come to my mind while I think of a potential life partner. This is not an extensive list, but merely a starting point for meaningful conversations. This is not by order of importance at all.

- Are you interested in finding someone to get married to or are you being forced by parents to do this?

- Please give away all pretence, be your usual normal self, not to impress - you will find plenty of people, way better than me, so no need to put up a filter, no fear of judgement - even if I unconsciously judge, it doesn't matter as I am a nobody - absolute stranger.

- What gave away I am introvert? What are you?

- I am not the partying kind. I get awkward socially. I can't dance. If I do, I look like a donkey.

- I have fear of falling again in love as badly as last time and inviting the same pain again if you decide not to be together.

- I don't want to get attached again. Don't want to form another attachment which would cause me pain if there's a fallout. 

- Health is a non negotiable: Not asking you to change yourself directly, but be open to hearing ideas and study a bit on the topic to gain a better health, fit body (preventing fat).

- I would prefer someone who is not girlish (by girlish I mean the typical filmy girl who can't do anything on her own, pulls off the abla naari card every now and then), be independent. For example, I would like someone who takes less time to get ready and doesn't do too much sajna sanwarna each and every time.

- Honesty - no fake - be direct - no layer/filter - be your real self - no sophistication for the sake of it

- No politics

- No showoff, no fake appearance or language or look certain way or speak certain way.

- What's your method/process to decide if someone is good for getting married to?

- Didn't find any suitable person so far? Why did it not work? Did you reject them? Why?

- How important is it for you to know someone before marrying them? 

- How to know each other? Any possiblity to stay together for sometime?

- Fell for someone? How many times? 

- What do u think about marriage?

- Family? Living with them? 

- Future arrangement? Prefer bustling city or back home small town/village?

- Kids

- My negatives - blunt, overthinker, emotional attachment issues, nerdy, frugal (+ve), simple, no showoff, non conformist, realist (borderline pessimist - I think worst case scenario to subvert disappointment later), sarcasm, very slow in life generally, last one in queue, slow eater, plan ahead to be able to afford being slow, chilled, relaxed and laidback in routine things, predictable things, mundane stuff. Super fast in things excited about.

- Barely lower middle class - is that fine?

- Religious views? God?

- Most traumatic experience? Its residue in your present?

- Happiness? What brings you joy?

- Ride bike? Learn? Swimming?

- Paragliding, scuba diving, rafting, sky diving, etc?

- Situation: Today is Thursday and as per old sayings, it is not good to eat fermented rice with puffed rice. I don't believe in these superstitions. What about you? Would you oppose or feel bad if I eat that combo? Or any similar things that would upset you?

- Situation: We are eating boiled egg and while serving it, I also touched the salt container accidentally. Now, at my home, the salt container and its salt can't be used normally or it has to be discarded and washed or it can be only used with nonveg cooking. Your take?

1/05/2025 03:19:00 pm Share: