Recommendations to girls

Please don't dismiss me thinking I am preaching something forcefully. This is just a recommendation, nothing more. It is not an accusation either. 

This recommendation would only help fellow males like me who easily get swayed in feelings and emotions. Even if you don't follow, it doesn't harm you, it might harm only the males sometime.

The recommendation is to not show any remote signs of love (by love I mean the kind between 2 lovers or husband-wife) to male friends or signs of flirting or direct flirting or anything that remotely resembles a couple's love relationship. You might feel the urge to do it thinking that the poor guy is lonely and you are helping him get happiness or get to a better place. You might be doing so in the short run, but you are sowing seeds of destruction and demolition in the long run. God forbid, if the guy falls for you, starts developing feelings for you unfortunately while you might not have liked him in that way, it begins the story of a very long lasting torture programme for the guy. Most people move on, but some unlucky guys find it way way difficult to move on or are simply unable to move on. 

They live the pain again and again despite trying hard to forget the past, move on, take on more activities, make themselves busy beyond their own imagination and so on. But still, even with all this, there are times, they may break into shattered pieces, on the floor, continuously trying to collect themselves to rise and stand again. The memories of the magical times of past spent together keeps haunting them time to time. They keep going through that thinking what was wrong, how could he have made things go different. He keeps thinking why he met her. All this pain wouldn't have been there had he not come close to her or had he not let her come this close to him. He would think that he would have been in a better place had he controlled himself and avoided falling for her, he wouldn't have had lost interest in life or anything in general. And the worst part is he would keep blaming himself for all this. He would think it was all his mistake.

The pain is not just emotional, it is physical too. It is very dangerous and slowly weakens the person mentally and physically both. It's absolutely not a good condition to be in. It is very very harmful for the body. 

So be a little aware and responsible for what you might be doing to someone unknowingly. You might be scarring someone for life. That person might never feel that colour in his life anymore. It might become so difficult for him to even just fall asleep some nights when the memories would come gushing down and pain squeezing the heart out. 

8/20/2024 11:40:00 pm Share:

Cure not in sight

All those claims that time will heal everything is absolutely bogus. It seems my condition is getting worse day by day. Tears and sobbing are becoming company. Also the thoughts of ending the pain. I think ultimately I will be able to muster the courage to do it.

5/01/2024 02:04:00 am Share:

Lines

Kisi ko dekhne ke liye

Ek pal kaafi hai.

Usay pasand karne ke liye

Ek din kaafi hai.

Us se ishq karne ke liye

Ek saal kaafi hai.

Lekin us ek chehre ko bhoolne ke liye

Ek zindagi kam hai.

- Kumar Vishwas

Farq tha hum dono

Ki mohobbat mein.

Mujhe us se hee thi.

Usay mujh se bhi thi.

I met you and I was afraid that I might like you.

But I ended up liking you and was afraid that I might fall in love with you.

But eventually I fell in love with you and was afraid to lose you.

I lost you and now I am afraid I will never be able to forget you.

- Subham

Khush to wo rehte hain

Jo jismon se khelte hain.

Rooh se mohabbat karne walon ko

Aksar tadapte dekha hai.

Ab to koi showk, koi tamanna, koi aarzoo baaki nahi hai.

Ab to bas zindagi guzar jaye, bas itna hee kaafi hai.

Kaise kar lete hain log ishq, do chaar ke sath.

Mujhe to uske baad kisi ka khayaal tak nahi aaya.

Wo bohot kareeb aakar door hui hai mujhse.

Isliye ab mujhe kisi se nazdeekiyaan pasand nahi.

Bichhad gaye to ye dil umr bhar lagega nahi,

Lagega lagne laga hai, magar lagega nahi.

Nahi lagega use dekhkar, magar khush hai,

Main khush nahi hoon magar, dekh kar lagega nahi.

Hai koi jisse teri yaari na ho.

Aadmi itna bhi baazaari na ho.

Mujhse bhi ho kar wo aage badh chuka.

Dost bach ke ab teri baari na ho.

- Umair Najmi

Maine puchha tha, ke izhaar nahi ho sakta

Dil pukara ke, khabardar, nahi ho sakta.

Jisse puchein tere baare mein, yehi kehta hai

Khoobsurat hai wafadaar nahi ho sakta.

Nasha nahi hai magar ladkhadana chahte hain

Teri sharab ki izzat bachana chahte hain.

Humara mas-la ye hai ek shakhs se hum

Kayi tarah ka talluq banana chahte hain.

Hum isko lipatne ki ijaazat nahi dete.

Koshish to bohot karti hai tanhaai humari.

Chaand nikle aur uski izzat afzaai na ho.

Kaise mumkin hai nagar mein koi saudaai na ho.

Jisko apne baazuon mein bharke khush baitha hoon main.

Ya ilaahi ye mera ehsaas-e-tanhaai na ho.

Kyon na ei shakhs tujhe haath laga kar dekhun

Tu mere vehem se badhkar bhi to ho sakta hai

Ye jo hai phool hatheli pe ise bhool na jaana

Mera dil jism se baahar bhi to ho sakta hai

Kya zaroori hai ke hum haar ke jeetein Taabish.

Ishq ka khel barabar bhi to ho sakta hai.

- Abbas Tabish

4/26/2024 05:30:00 pm Share:

Untitled

The urge is real now. I really want it to end. Only if I was brave enough to do it myself. I would have no regrets. I have everything setup good now. So no harm other than the emotional one to family. But that's natural. And eventually everything will come around, as it always happens. Life goes on.

It seems like I am just running away from myself. Always trying to engage in something or the other, just to distract myself consistently, only to evade her thoughts. Nothing seems peaceful anymore. Every city seems problematic and unlikeable. Now I think no matter where I go, it will feel the same. The problem is not with the place, but me. My longing. My own broken self. My desire to get rid of her. My desire to get her. My desire to finish everything.

Hopefully time will heal me. Or who knows if I get lucky with my ticket to the top floor.

4/22/2024 11:38:00 pm Share:

6 years

I just realized it has been 6 years now. The dread is so real now. I was supposed to come out of it in 4 years itself, max 5 years. But now I fear it might be forever. Is this longing going to be permanent? Will it never go? At least if those good memories are gone, then it will be so helpful. Hope the scientists/doctors invent something soon to delete selective memories. 

The worst thing is that I still have hope. I can't seem to kill that hope. People will say I have not accepted reality. I know all that, still the heart thinks it is possible. And the possibility of the magical future with her makes it all the more wanting. Hope is a strange thing. Makes you suffer so much pain. Makes you feel so good about the possible future that you bear the hollowness so much more.

And my mind still dwindles between the thought of talking to her about it and not contacting her just like the last few years. She must be so happy, why to rub off my sorrow and negativity on to her, even though it might be just a little bit. I know she won't be affected, still the heart says why take a chance. Let her be happy. I always wish all the good for her. I hope she remains purposeful and prosper. I hope I move on. I hope I forget her. I wish I hadn't fallen for her. 

3/01/2024 12:33:00 am Share:

Usko Maaloom Kahaan Hoga

उसको मालूम कहाँ होगा, क्या ख़बर होगी।

वो मेरे दिल के टूटने से बेख़बर होगी।

वक़्त के साथ मेरे घाव भर तो जायेंगे,

फ़िर भी थोड़ी सी तो तकलीफ़ उम्र भर होगी।

उसको मालूम कहाँ होगा, क्या खबर होगी।

वो मेरे दिल के टूटने से बेख़बर होगी।

        - Neelesh Misra

Humne ek umr gawa di teri chaahat mein,

Kitna khush kismat hoga tujhe muft mein paane wala.

Tum mile hee na hote to kitna achha tha.

Mil ke bichhde na hote to kitna achha tha.

Hazaron dard mile tere chaahat mein,

Kabhi dil hee na laga hota to kitna achha tha.

2/03/2024 08:22:00 pm Share:

Fear and Dread

Of late, these days, after seeing, hearing so many friends, acquaintances, colleagues and people I know getting maaried, it is dawning on me thst the news I have dreaded the past five years may arrive anytime soon. Before that, I just want to ask once, just to know if at all there could be a chance for us. I know it is near to impossible and highly unlikely to even think that one might be still single or not have fallen for someone, but, the heart/mind is what it is. Logic defies it. 

I could have talked, striked that conversation but I have avoided. All because I don't want to cause her remotest of trouble or pain, in case me striking this conversation does it to her. There are so many things to say, but I lack the courage to cause unhappiness to her.

Maybe I should chalk out a plan to ask the dreadful answer's question in such a way that she doesn't realize and takes it casually. I will have to pretend properly, ask without making it sound it as a matter of fact. Well, since I never talked in last 5 years, that might throw off my disguise. 

I hope this paranoia of mine ends. It is affecting sleep too.

12/06/2023 08:17:00 am Share:

Staring the nothing

With every passing day, the dread for the doom enlarges inside me. And these days, almost everyday I am seeing her in my dreams. Those moments and a few minutes after waking up, are the happiest moments of the days. It feels so good being with her, because at that moment it all feels real. 

Love is real. It is. Otherwise how can your body tremble and give you goosebumps when you just think about her face, think about talking to her or just touching her finger? How do you suddenly become so happy and chirpy thinking about talking to her who at the moment might be in a different continent thousands of miles apart? Of course all this can be trashed into the bin of hyper unreal romanticism but isn't that real for some people? Maybe, maybe not, maybe it's all outcome of growing up years surrounded by an environment of movies and books, poetry and prose, people and their talks, everything relating somehow to romantic love or whatnot.

9/24/2023 07:26:00 am Share:

Jee Rahe Hain Kapde Badal Badal Kar

Jee rahe hain kapde badal badal kar

Ek din ek hee kapde mein le jaayenge kandhe badal badal kar.

- unknown

बहुत हसीन सही सोहबतें गुलों की मगर 

वो ज़िंदगी है जो काँटों के दरमियाँ गुज़रे 

- Jigar Muradabadi

Woh jo marne par tula hai,

Usne jee kar bhi to dekha hoga.

- Jaun Elia

Roti hui aankho mein, 

Intezaar hota hai,

Na chahte hue bhi,

Pyaar hota hai.

Kyon dekhte hain,

hum wo sapne,

Jinke tootne par bhi,

unke sach hone ka intezaar hota hai.

Tum pasand aaye yeh ittefaaq tha,

Tum hi pasand reh gaye yeh mohabbat hai.

Ishq se bachiye janaab, 

Suna hai ye badi dheemi maut hai.

Kabhi kabhi alfaaz nahi hote kaifiyat bayaan karne ko,

Bas dil karta hai koi samajh le, sambhaal le, samet le.

Tumhari taareef karna meri majburi nahi, 

Yakeen maano tum kaabil-e-tareef ho.

Jinhein neend nahi aati unhi ko maaloom hai,

Subah aane mein kitne zamane lagte hain.

Uske baad to humne muskurana chor diya,

Dil aisa toota ki dil lagana chor diya, 

Woh dhoondh raha hai zamaane mein mujhse behtar, 

Jiski khaatir humne zamaanaa chorr diya.

Tumhein to zindagi ke har dukh bataye the, 

Tumhara toh haq nahin banta tha dukh dene ka.

मैं चुपके से टूटा था,

गिरता तो शोर हो जाता।

Mohabbat ka pata nahi bas lagaav sa hai,

Jo bhi keh lo, bas behisaab sa hai.

Kehna to bohot kuch tha, 

Par usko khush dekh kar himmat hee nahi huyi.

Kaise kar lete hain log ishq, do chaar ke sath,

Mujhe toh uske baad kisi ka khayaal tak nahi aaya

Mohabbat kisi ki adhuri nahi hoti

Bas kisi dusre se ummeedein hoti hain

Wo poori nahi hoti

9/09/2023 02:13:00 pm Share:

The Scary One Again

Woke up to the dreadful dream again. Although this time the zenith of it was not reached luckily, even though it was in my dream, but I still feel the devastation it would have caused me. How I felt when I came to know it had happened in the dream.

The body feels broken and disintegrated since the morning. As if I am in bits and parts. I can imagine what will happen when it happens for real, which will be soon.

I think I am reaching my doomsday. I feel the urge to call her now, to know my end, to know how it will happen and when it will happen. Hoping to get cured or get the strength to cure myself knowing the upcoming facts. Hoping for a closure. But the eternal dilemma too, whether to disturb her momentum or not, will it be bad for her, will it cause any sort of fluctuation in her flow. I don't want to put a slightest of hiccup in her flow of things, flow of life.

I am not able to be optimistic anymore. I think this is for ever. Once you fall, there's no getting back. What is dreadful is that the willingness to get back up is non existent. It feels like there's nothing left to bounce back to. Just me. Just the smitten me, fallen me, drenched me.

Oh I so wish if things would have been different. If things were mutual.

The irony is, despite all this, I am still so happy to have seen her, been around her bliss in the dream. Breathtakingly beautiful. The charm, the appearance. Magical. The best. It was really so fulfilling to have seen her, in person, be with her, even in those moments of truth and lies.

Lies because luckily she was doing a prank. The real alliance was of someone else. It was just a prank initially to make me mad. All friends from my group were in on it and played along. After knowing I was furious, surprisingly I was so relieved as well. Weird emotions.

8/29/2023 08:00:00 am Share:

Trigger?

Why everything reminds me of you? Still? How? It has been 5 years now and I am still in that past dream? Which never happened, which will never happen. Whatever happened was just a fraction of time, that was so great that the longing remains. That spark. Why are some emotions so strong? When will this feeling go? She's still the present. Will I ever be able to make her my past? 

Today while flipping through my college time's passbook, her name appeared. All those memories came rushing to my mind. How normal everything was. How wholesome and magical. Happy and live. Now it's all empty. Hollow. Light years of just vaccum. I wish if none of that had happened. I wish if I had been somewhere else. I wouldn't have to go through this affliction.

I hope it gets better.

7/31/2023 11:59:00 pm Share:

Situationship

My my......I am bewildered after knowing the meaning of this term 'situationship'. Even the autocorrect features of Chrome or keypad doesn't have this word yet. But looking at it, I wonder, was it what I had. Did you know about this concept back in the day. I don't think so. But whatever be, it seems like you totally nailed the situationship lab session. Or maybe I am overthinking as always. Maybe it was nothing. Just that, typical boys like me take anything and everything as sign of love. Romantic love. And there's no concept for friendly love for old school duffers like me who have heads full of haystack and no gray matter. It has been more than 5 years now. How much more time will it take just to be unfallen? Will the desires ever come back? Will this longing ever end? Will I get cured? Will it get worse? When will the memory erasing pill be out in the market?

I still want good for her. That's the sole reason I haven't contacted her at all (as if she would care 😆). Why to give my negativity and filth to her in any capacity. Any way I was no one before 3rd year of college and I am again no one. A fast-degrading person should not be anywhere around a beautiful, ever cheerful, full of positivity, energizing and playful sunshine. Or it is just a way of escaping away from saying “The grapes were sour, I guess!” 🤣

6/14/2023 10:43:00 am Share: