Questions for her!

I think I am slowly getting cured again. But I guess थोड़ी सी तो तक़लीफ़ उम्र भर होगी maybe.

Anyway, I have a few questions for you. Time and again I have always tried to devise their answers in my own head, with all my mental prowess, analysis based on the things you had told me and I had observed. But I would really want to know these from you someday. Hopefully. Even if not, I guess that's fine too. I am slowly making peace with myself.

Do you remember those days, those weeks, those months, and that year and a half when we spent time together? We talked. We walked. We rode on your scooter and mapped the city. We ate. We studied. During all that time, you constantly mentioned about longing and pain for that someone. The one who has gone a bit far from you or the one who only remains with you as a friend and not closer? The one with whom you had a past?

Were all these discussions about two different people or were they the same person? I had thought at that time it was about the same person Mukti. Was I wrong?

Although now I think you were maybe talking about two different people. At times about your past and feelings associated with that past, about Mukti. And other times about your present, the then present hurdle of getting closer to Stif. The challenge of wanting more in that relationship or friendship whatever you had. I didn't know about Stif until recently. I came to know about you and him just this year in August or so. Before that I never really thought you were pursuing him so much or vice-versa. Had seen him around you at times in college, thought was Codex club. Then during Mroads interviews/exams. Then in Hyderabad. I saw it all yet I never thought about you two. Maybe my heart came to know at the end when I confessed to you but my brain kept ignoring I guess. 

Maybe I am wrong about both these people and maybe it was someone else altogether or some other people. I would really like to know though.

And me, was I a charity case for you, a pet project to help me feel happy as you thought I was unhappy. Or charity to help me become better, or find friends or whatever? Or was I just an anchor for you in all this storm of heightened emotions? A simple friend with whom you can be your normal self without giving any effort and to be able to unburden yourself with all these baggage you were carrying, to relax a bit, get refreshed.

I don't know but I keep thinking about it sometimes. It is not to blame you or anyone. Just knowing the reality might help my conscience and put a stop to my imagination speculating all the permutations combinations. 

I know I am giving myself too much importance here. Maybe you didn't think of me at all, maybe you don't think of me at all. Maybe it was just a very mundane normal thing for you. Despite that, if you ever remember me, and would deem these questions worthy of some of your time and thoughts, I would be grateful to you, to get the answers of these questions.

12/20/2024 10:16:00 am Share:

Few more sher

ज़िन्दगी तेरे एक धक्के से 

रोड पर आ गए हैं कच्चे से 

हम को नीचे उतार लेंगे लोग

इश्क़ लटका रहेगा पंखे से

मैं वही हूँ यकीं करो मेरा 

मैं जो लगता नहीं हूँ चेहरे से

ये मोहब्बत वो घाट है जिस पर

दाग़ लगते हैं कपड़े धोने से

- Zia Mazkoor

इक पल में इक सदी का मज़ा हम से पूछिए

दो दिन की ज़िंदगी का मज़ा हम से पूछिए

भूले हैं रफ़्ता रफ़्ता उन्हें मुद्दतों में हम

क़िस्तों में ख़ुद-कुशी का मज़ा हम से पूछिए

- Khumar Barabankavi

मुद्दतें बीत गईं राह में बैठी हुई हूं

शहर से जा भी चुका शहर से जाने वाला

- Himanshi Babra

11/20/2024 08:00:00 pm Share:

Dump post

Had a blow today. Just heard a news which shouldn't have affected me this profoundly. It's actually a good news of 2 of my friends from school, close ones, getting married. I don't know why I am so shocked.

I am amazed why I feel like this. As if another path got shut. Slowly I feel full. I feel like I have had enough of life. Don't want to take any more of life, as if my stomach is full till the throat. I should be happy with this great news, while I feel sad.

I guess this too shall pass.

Life is unfair. Life is absolutely unfair. 

11/18/2024 08:12:00 pm Share:

Sharodiya Pujabarshiki - Good ones

Some of the sharodiya pujabarshiki books and magazines that I would like to explore given the kind of writers we have on them for the year 1431 or 2024. The list is not in any order and doesn't reciprocate my likelihood of them being good. For this list I went through the index of some 60 books released so far in September 2024 and took almost 5-6 hours of time.

1. Bartaman

2. Mayakanon

3. Shuktara

4. Kishore Bharti

5. Jol Phoring

6. Anandamela

7. Kishor Gyan Bigyan

8. Bhoot Bhutum

9. Aampata Jampata

9/18/2024 03:04:00 pm Share:

Recommendations to girls

Please don't dismiss me thinking I am preaching something forcefully. This is just a recommendation, nothing more. It is not an accusation either. 

This recommendation would only help fellow males like me who easily get swayed in feelings and emotions. Even if you don't follow, it doesn't harm you, it might harm only the males sometime.

The recommendation is to not show any remote signs of love (by love I mean the kind between 2 lovers or husband-wife) to male friends or signs of flirting or direct flirting or anything that remotely resembles a couple's love relationship. You might feel the urge to do it thinking that the poor guy is lonely and you are helping him get happiness or get to a better place. You might be doing so in the short run, but you are sowing seeds of destruction and demolition in the long run. God forbid, if the guy falls for you, starts developing feelings for you unfortunately while you might not have liked him in that way, it begins the story of a very long lasting torture programme for the guy. Most people move on, but some unlucky guys find it way way difficult to move on or are simply unable to move on. 

They live the pain again and again despite trying hard to forget the past, move on, take on more activities, make themselves busy beyond their own imagination and so on. But still, even with all this, there are times, they may break into shattered pieces, on the floor, continuously trying to collect themselves to rise and stand again. The memories of the magical times of past spent together keeps haunting them time to time. They keep going through that thinking what was wrong, how could he have made things go different. He keeps thinking why he met her. All this pain wouldn't have been there had he not come close to her or had he not let her come this close to him. He would think that he would have been in a better place had he controlled himself and avoided falling for her, he wouldn't have had lost interest in life or anything in general. And the worst part is he would keep blaming himself for all this. He would think it was all his mistake.

The pain is not just emotional, it is physical too. It is very dangerous and slowly weakens the person mentally and physically both. It's absolutely not a good condition to be in. It is very very harmful for the body. 

So be a little aware and responsible for what you might be doing to someone unknowingly. You might be scarring someone for life. That person might never feel that colour in his life anymore. It might become so difficult for him to even just fall asleep some nights when the memories would come gushing down and pain squeezing the heart out. 

8/20/2024 11:40:00 pm Share:

Cure not in sight

All those claims that time will heal everything is absolutely bogus. It seems my condition is getting worse day by day. Tears and sobbing are becoming company. Also the thoughts of ending the pain. I think ultimately I will be able to muster the courage to do it.

5/01/2024 02:04:00 am Share:

Lines

Kisi ko dekhne ke liye

Ek pal kaafi hai.

Usay pasand karne ke liye

Ek din kaafi hai.

Us se ishq karne ke liye

Ek saal kaafi hai.

Lekin us ek chehre ko bhoolne ke liye

Ek zindagi kam hai.

- Kumar Vishwas

Farq tha hum dono

Ki mohobbat mein.

Mujhe us se hee thi.

Usay mujh se bhi thi.

I met you and I was afraid that I might like you.

But I ended up liking you and was afraid that I might fall in love with you.

But eventually I fell in love with you and was afraid to lose you.

I lost you and now I am afraid I will never be able to forget you.

- Subham

Khush to wo rehte hain

Jo jismon se khelte hain.

Rooh se mohabbat karne walon ko

Aksar tadapte dekha hai.

Ab to koi showk, koi tamanna, koi aarzoo baaki nahi hai.

Ab to bas zindagi guzar jaye, bas itna hee kaafi hai.

Kaise kar lete hain log ishq, do chaar ke sath.

Mujhe to uske baad kisi ka khayaal tak nahi aaya.

Wo bohot kareeb aakar door hui hai mujhse.

Isliye ab mujhe kisi se nazdeekiyaan pasand nahi.

Bichhad gaye to ye dil umr bhar lagega nahi,

Lagega lagne laga hai, magar lagega nahi.

Nahi lagega use dekhkar, magar khush hai,

Main khush nahi hoon magar, dekh kar lagega nahi.

Hai koi jisse teri yaari na ho.

Aadmi itna bhi baazaari na ho.

Mujhse bhi ho kar wo aage badh chuka.

Dost bach ke ab teri baari na ho.

- Umair Najmi

Maine puchha tha, ke izhaar nahi ho sakta

Dil pukara ke, khabardar, nahi ho sakta.

Jisse puchein tere baare mein, yehi kehta hai

Khoobsurat hai wafadaar nahi ho sakta.

Nasha nahi hai magar ladkhadana chahte hain

Teri sharab ki izzat bachana chahte hain.

Humara mas-la ye hai ek shakhs se hum

Kayi tarah ka talluq banana chahte hain.

Hum isko lipatne ki ijaazat nahi dete.

Koshish to bohot karti hai tanhaai humari.

Chaand nikle aur uski izzat afzaai na ho.

Kaise mumkin hai nagar mein koi saudaai na ho.

Jisko apne baazuon mein bharke khush baitha hoon main.

Ya ilaahi ye mera ehsaas-e-tanhaai na ho.

Kyon na ei shakhs tujhe haath laga kar dekhun

Tu mere vehem se badhkar bhi to ho sakta hai

Ye jo hai phool hatheli pe ise bhool na jaana

Mera dil jism se baahar bhi to ho sakta hai

Kya zaroori hai ke hum haar ke jeetein Taabish.

Ishq ka khel barabar bhi to ho sakta hai.

- Abbas Tabish

4/26/2024 05:30:00 pm Share:

Untitled

The urge is real now. I really want it to end. Only if I was brave enough to do it myself. I would have no regrets. I have everything setup good now. So no harm other than the emotional one to family. But that's natural. And eventually everything will come around, as it always happens. Life goes on.

It seems like I am just running away from myself. Always trying to engage in something or the other, just to distract myself consistently, only to evade her thoughts. Nothing seems peaceful anymore. Every city seems problematic and unlikeable. Now I think no matter where I go, it will feel the same. The problem is not with the place, but me. My longing. My own broken self. My desire to get rid of her. My desire to get her. My desire to finish everything.

Hopefully time will heal me. Or who knows if I get lucky with my ticket to the top floor.

4/22/2024 11:38:00 pm Share:

6 years

I just realized it has been 6 years now. The dread is so real now. I was supposed to come out of it in 4 years itself, max 5 years. But now I fear it might be forever. Is this longing going to be permanent? Will it never go? At least if those good memories are gone, then it will be so helpful. Hope the scientists/doctors invent something soon to delete selective memories. 

The worst thing is that I still have hope. I can't seem to kill that hope. People will say I have not accepted reality. I know all that, still the heart thinks it is possible. And the possibility of the magical future with her makes it all the more wanting. Hope is a strange thing. Makes you suffer so much pain. Makes you feel so good about the possible future that you bear the hollowness so much more.

And my mind still dwindles between the thought of talking to her about it and not contacting her just like the last few years. She must be so happy, why to rub off my sorrow and negativity on to her, even though it might be just a little bit. I know she won't be affected, still the heart says why take a chance. Let her be happy. I always wish all the good for her. I hope she remains purposeful and prosper. I hope I move on. I hope I forget her. I wish I hadn't fallen for her. 

3/01/2024 12:33:00 am Share:

Usko Maaloom Kahaan Hoga

उसको मालूम कहाँ होगा, क्या ख़बर होगी।

वो मेरे दिल के टूटने से बेख़बर होगी।

वक़्त के साथ मेरे घाव भर तो जायेंगे,

फ़िर भी थोड़ी सी तो तकलीफ़ उम्र भर होगी।

उसको मालूम कहाँ होगा, क्या खबर होगी।

वो मेरे दिल के टूटने से बेख़बर होगी।

        - Neelesh Misra

Humne ek umr gawa di teri chaahat mein,

Kitna khush kismat hoga tujhe muft mein paane wala.

Tum mile hee na hote to kitna achha tha.

Mil ke bichhde na hote to kitna achha tha.

Hazaron dard mile tere chaahat mein,

Kabhi dil hee na laga hota to kitna achha tha.

2/03/2024 08:22:00 pm Share: