It's right only.

Well if I think about it, it's right only. For a loser like me, the one who cannot even handle his own mess, creates blunder out of thin air, it's only rightful. How can somebody perfect like you should even be an acquaintance to an imbecile like me.

Maybe I am exactly like one of those stupid bollywood movie heroes who mistook your friendship, your sympathy as love. I imbibed you in my thoughts and  dreams in such a way that I became blind to the fact that you might be having something else in your heart, in your mind, your own dreams.

I am really very sorry for it all. It's absolutely my fault. It's totally my mistake. I went into the wrong view of such a great friendship. I am sorry for ruining it all. I am to be blamed for taking it wrongly in the first place and then breaking the beautiful friendship out of it just because I couldn't handle it for the perspective I had. Maybe it was supposed to be just the way it was for you. I, due to my vulnerability to fall for you, my weakness to have seen something else in place of friendship, my inability to understand the simple friendship and blow it to whole another dimension is the cause of it all.

Forgive me if it's possible to do so. I also was one of those common-typical-boys who mistook your helpful simple friendship for something else.

9/28/2018 09:09:00 am Share:

Why?

Why did you do this. Why does everyone have to become a saint or this great helper. I know you thought you would help me this way, you would give me happiness but didn't you think a simple thing that what I would feel when I would know that all that was fake. All that was the art of masking by you just because you thought it would give me joy. Didn't you think that there might be a chance that it happens for me in real unlike you and how hurtful it would become for me once the truth is revealed.

In the beginning I was detached and I promised myself to keep it that way. But your perfect display of interest confused me. Slowly I began to think it was the truth. I couldn't see that it wasn't true, it was just a portrayal. Maybe your acting is so real that I couldn't see through it and went the wrong way. I know you would never accept this what I am saying. You would say you were normal. If that is the case then surely something is wrong with me. Maybe because I am a hyper-emotional fool. Whatever it was, I saw something else, something special. It was there, even though for a meagre portion, but it was there. That's why I earlier said that your portrayal felt real to me. And that's what immerses me in immense pain when that realisation hits me that it was not what I saw it was, it was not true, it was all false. It was all there just for a purpose. This is the most difficult to process.

It's been months yet nothing has changed. Not a day goes by without me thinking about you more than twice. No matter how much I fool myself with office work, movies, books, it never goes away. And mostly the nights. With this comes all the loses that I have had in my life so far. How alone I have become. How close all they were and how unreachable they are now. Not unreachable, talking about them makes no sense now as they don't exist anymore. And I keep waiting for myself to become extinct just like them.

All that story and drama I created, that I would forget all this and only think about friendship, those steps and protocols I would follow, the methods, that written article that I read out to you, all that was just to make you feel good. All that was just to prevent you from thinking that any of it was your fault. In reality no matter how much precaution anyone takes, these things don't just fade away. No matter what method or procedure one follows, these will haunt them for time. Similarly I will also have to bear it. I will have to suffer for the way I handled things. Knowing all well before everything happened about the end result because of my past experience and my super luck, I fell for this trap on my own. It's definitely my own doing, my own mistake. So the pain is absolutely justified and there's no escape from it.

I hope someday I will be free again. With a super strong determination to be devoid of these things in life, no matter how tempting it becomes. No matter how happy it feels in that moment.
I am hopeful to get relief from this someday. I just wish it not to be that long. I know time will heal me. I will recover someday.

9/16/2018 08:53:00 am Share: