I think I am slowly getting cured again. But I guess थोड़ी सी तो तक़लीफ़ उम्र भर होगी maybe.
Anyway, I have a few questions for you. Time and again I have always tried to devise their answers in my own head, with all my mental prowess, analysis based on the things you had told me and I had observed. But I would really want to know these from you someday. Hopefully. Even if not, I guess that's fine too. I am slowly making peace with myself.
Do you remember those days, those weeks, those months, and that year and a half when we spent time together? We talked. We walked. We rode on your scooter and mapped the city. We ate. We studied. During all that time, you constantly mentioned about longing and pain for that someone. The one who has gone a bit far from you or the one who only remains with you as a friend and not closer? The one with whom you had a past?
Were all these discussions about two different people or were they the same person? I had thought at that time it was about the same person Mukti. Was I wrong?
Although now I think you were maybe talking about two different people. At times about your past and feelings associated with that past, about Mukti. And other times about your present, the then present hurdle of getting closer to Stif. The challenge of wanting more in that relationship or friendship whatever you had. I didn't know about Stif until recently. I came to know about you and him just this year in August or so. Before that I never really thought you were pursuing him so much or vice-versa. Had seen him around you at times in college, thought was Codex club. Then during Mroads interviews/exams. Then in Hyderabad. I saw it all yet I never thought about you two. Maybe my heart came to know at the end when I confessed to you but my brain kept ignoring I guess.
Maybe I am wrong about both these people and maybe it was someone else altogether or some other people. I would really like to know though.
And me, was I just an anchor for you in all this storm of heightened emotions? A simple friend with whom you can be your normal self without giving any effort and to be able to unburden yourself with all these baggage you were carrying, to relax a bit, get refreshed.
I don't know but I keep thinking about it sometimes. It is not to blame you or anyone. Just knowing the reality might help my conscience and put a stop to my imagination speculating all the permutations combinations.
I know I am giving myself too much importance here. Maybe you didn't think of me at all, maybe you don't think of me at all. Maybe it was just a very mundane normal thing for you. Despite that, if you ever remember me, and would deem these questions worthy of some of your time and thoughts, I would be grateful to you, to get the answers of these questions.
12/20/2024 10:16:00 am
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