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Sunday 2 December 2018

Sometimes this hurts real bad and it becomes quite consistent in nature and unbearable. The sensation of pain or something in the chest.

It's December now. Almost a year of not knowing her. And a total two years of becoming friends with her. I hope this void year has helped me become strong and indifferent. I wish time passes by more fast. These vulnerable moments, affliction of it all will have to be born by me, by time upon me. I am positive about the fact that "this too shall pass".

It's just that I always feel if only we had the control on these things.

Unbearable

Posted by Subham  |  No comments

Sometimes this hurts real bad and it becomes quite consistent in nature and unbearable. The sensation of pain or something in the chest.

It's December now. Almost a year of not knowing her. And a total two years of becoming friends with her. I hope this void year has helped me become strong and indifferent. I wish time passes by more fast. These vulnerable moments, affliction of it all will have to be born by me, by time upon me. I am positive about the fact that "this too shall pass".

It's just that I always feel if only we had the control on these things.

12/02/2018 04:14:00 am Share:

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Tuesday 13 November 2018

Kept the post title as untitled because this time no title is coming to my mind as i write this. After the last time she called me and I wrote the previous post titled "Just felt like writing", today is the day she called.

But today was different, I don't know what is happening to me but yesterday night was one of those bad nights. So is it some kind of telepathy or cosmic connection that she called today, or just a mere coincidence. Whatever it was, but the stranger thing is that I was so happy or frightened at the moment when I saw her name flashing on my phone's screen, that I was shivering. While talking to her I felt so nervous today, and my whole body was shaking. My heart was beating fast and legs quivering.

She talked mostly about work, and so it was just a normal talk about job and better job opportunities at other places. Things of that sort. And thankfully though I had a status call just a fee minutes after. So I got a legitimate reason to drop off early.

Actually from inside, I didn't want to stop talking to her today. Because I miss the friend I lost in her. A great friend with whom I could share anything. Her talk today made me realise how badly I need her.

But it's better to let go now. As it will become more difficult for me. I am saying this as if how good the current me is. Haha.....better to try deleting the encrypted files whose encryption key you've lost than keeping them and remembering what was there in them.

Untitled

Posted by Subham  |  No comments

Kept the post title as untitled because this time no title is coming to my mind as i write this. After the last time she called me and I wrote the previous post titled "Just felt like writing", today is the day she called.

But today was different, I don't know what is happening to me but yesterday night was one of those bad nights. So is it some kind of telepathy or cosmic connection that she called today, or just a mere coincidence. Whatever it was, but the stranger thing is that I was so happy or frightened at the moment when I saw her name flashing on my phone's screen, that I was shivering. While talking to her I felt so nervous today, and my whole body was shaking. My heart was beating fast and legs quivering.

She talked mostly about work, and so it was just a normal talk about job and better job opportunities at other places. Things of that sort. And thankfully though I had a status call just a fee minutes after. So I got a legitimate reason to drop off early.

Actually from inside, I didn't want to stop talking to her today. Because I miss the friend I lost in her. A great friend with whom I could share anything. Her talk today made me realise how badly I need her.

But it's better to let go now. As it will become more difficult for me. I am saying this as if how good the current me is. Haha.....better to try deleting the encrypted files whose encryption key you've lost than keeping them and remembering what was there in them.

11/13/2018 11:31:00 pm Share:

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Tuesday 16 October 2018

I feel like writing here the moment you call me because I want to create a conversation in as much detail as possible. Although I don't talk to you on call and always try to end it as soon as possible only because I don't want you to know my condition and state. Just the day before yesterday I met a very old friend of mine coincidentally for the second time in three years. She despite having no idea about intricacies of my life told me that I am in depression although I don't realise it just when I told her how I feel inside. I don't want you to know anything about me anymore because it doesn't matter. Hence the short call and dropping off soon after. I don't want you to feel any bad about yourself if at all.

I am still strongly stuck in this sticking alloy of emotions and feelings, drowning me deep into its eye.

I don't know if my feeling of disinterest in anything, slow and negative response to life, empty dreams and loss of enthusiasm is just for what happened between us or is a culmination of all the unwanted recent loses that happened in my personal life. I have a very strong desire that for me everything is over. I am fed up of being here. I am fed up of being human. I am fed up of being at the receiving end of problems, worries, rejections and life itself. But I am not courageous enough to take the step that would end it all. I am very weak and coward in that department. I just wish if we have a system where it can be done willingly and legitimately, then I would be saved from all this. I genuinely have done everything that I was meant to do in life, nothing is left that I desire or still want.

Just felt like writing.

Posted by Subham  |  No comments

I feel like writing here the moment you call me because I want to create a conversation in as much detail as possible. Although I don't talk to you on call and always try to end it as soon as possible only because I don't want you to know my condition and state. Just the day before yesterday I met a very old friend of mine coincidentally for the second time in three years. She despite having no idea about intricacies of my life told me that I am in depression although I don't realise it just when I told her how I feel inside. I don't want you to know anything about me anymore because it doesn't matter. Hence the short call and dropping off soon after. I don't want you to feel any bad about yourself if at all.

I am still strongly stuck in this sticking alloy of emotions and feelings, drowning me deep into its eye.

I don't know if my feeling of disinterest in anything, slow and negative response to life, empty dreams and loss of enthusiasm is just for what happened between us or is a culmination of all the unwanted recent loses that happened in my personal life. I have a very strong desire that for me everything is over. I am fed up of being here. I am fed up of being human. I am fed up of being at the receiving end of problems, worries, rejections and life itself. But I am not courageous enough to take the step that would end it all. I am very weak and coward in that department. I just wish if we have a system where it can be done willingly and legitimately, then I would be saved from all this. I genuinely have done everything that I was meant to do in life, nothing is left that I desire or still want.

10/16/2018 05:35:00 pm Share:

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Friday 28 September 2018

Well if I think about it, it's right only. For a loser like me, the one who cannot even handle his own mess, creates blunder out of thin air, it's only rightful. How can somebody perfect like you should even be an acquaintance to an imbecile like me.

Maybe I am exactly like one of those stupid bollywood movie heroes who mistook your friendship, your sympathy as love. I imbibed you in my thoughts and  dreams in such a way that I became blind to the fact that you might be having something else in your heart, in your mind, your own dreams.

I am really very sorry for it all. It's absolutely my fault. It's totally my mistake. I went into the wrong view of such a great friendship. I am sorry for ruining it all. I am to be blamed for taking it wrongly in the first place and then breaking the beautiful friendship out of it just because I couldn't handle it for the perspective I had. Maybe it was supposed to be just the way it was for you. I, due to my vulnerability to fall for you, my weakness to have seen something else in place of friendship, my inability to understand the simple friendship and blow it to whole another dimension is the cause of it all.

Forgive me if it's possible to do so. I also was one of those common-typical-boys who mistook your helpful simple friendship for something else.

It's right only.

Posted by Subham  |  No comments

Well if I think about it, it's right only. For a loser like me, the one who cannot even handle his own mess, creates blunder out of thin air, it's only rightful. How can somebody perfect like you should even be an acquaintance to an imbecile like me.

Maybe I am exactly like one of those stupid bollywood movie heroes who mistook your friendship, your sympathy as love. I imbibed you in my thoughts and  dreams in such a way that I became blind to the fact that you might be having something else in your heart, in your mind, your own dreams.

I am really very sorry for it all. It's absolutely my fault. It's totally my mistake. I went into the wrong view of such a great friendship. I am sorry for ruining it all. I am to be blamed for taking it wrongly in the first place and then breaking the beautiful friendship out of it just because I couldn't handle it for the perspective I had. Maybe it was supposed to be just the way it was for you. I, due to my vulnerability to fall for you, my weakness to have seen something else in place of friendship, my inability to understand the simple friendship and blow it to whole another dimension is the cause of it all.

Forgive me if it's possible to do so. I also was one of those common-typical-boys who mistook your helpful simple friendship for something else.

9/28/2018 09:09:00 am Share:

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Sunday 16 September 2018

Why did you do this. Why does everyone have to become a saint or this great helper. I know you thought you would help me this way, you would give me happiness but didn't you think a simple thing that what I would feel when I would know that all that was fake. All that was the art of masking by you just because you thought it would give me joy. Didn't you think that there might be a chance that it happens for me in real unlike you and how hurtful it would become for me once the truth is revealed.

In the beginning I was detached and I promised myself to keep it that way. But your perfect display of interest confused me. Slowly I began to think it was the truth. I couldn't see that it wasn't true, it was just a portrayal. Maybe your acting is so real that I couldn't see through it and went the wrong way. I know you would never accept this what I am saying. You would say you were normal. If that is the case then surely something is wrong with me. Maybe because I am a hyper-emotional fool. Whatever it was, I saw something else, something special. It was there, even though for a meagre portion, but it was there. That's why I earlier said that your portrayal felt real to me. And that's what immerses me in immense pain when that realisation hits me that it was not what I saw it was, it was not true, it was all false. It was all there just for a purpose. This is the most difficult to process.

It's been months yet nothing has changed. Not a day goes by without me thinking about you more than twice. No matter how much I fool myself with office work, movies, books, it never goes away. And mostly the nights. With this comes all the loses that I have had in my life so far. How alone I have become. How close all they were and how unreachable they are now. Not unreachable, talking about them makes no sense now as they don't exist anymore. And I keep waiting for myself to become extinct just like them.

All that story and drama I created, that I would forget all this and only think about friendship, those steps and protocols I would follow, the methods, that written article that I read out to you, all that was just to make you feel good. All that was just to prevent you from thinking that any of it was your fault. In reality no matter how much precaution anyone takes, these things don't just fade away. No matter what method or procedure one follows, these will haunt them for time. Similarly I will also have to bear it. I will have to suffer for the way I handled things. Knowing all well before everything happened about the end result because of my past experience and my super luck, I fell for this trap on my own. It's definitely my own doing, my own mistake. So the pain is absolutely justified and there's no escape from it.

I hope someday I will be free again. With a super strong determination to be devoid of these things in life, no matter how tempting it becomes. No matter how happy it feels in that moment.
I am hopeful to get relief from this someday. I just wish it not to be that long. I know time will heal me. I will recover someday.

Why?

Posted by Subham  |  2 comments

Why did you do this. Why does everyone have to become a saint or this great helper. I know you thought you would help me this way, you would give me happiness but didn't you think a simple thing that what I would feel when I would know that all that was fake. All that was the art of masking by you just because you thought it would give me joy. Didn't you think that there might be a chance that it happens for me in real unlike you and how hurtful it would become for me once the truth is revealed.

In the beginning I was detached and I promised myself to keep it that way. But your perfect display of interest confused me. Slowly I began to think it was the truth. I couldn't see that it wasn't true, it was just a portrayal. Maybe your acting is so real that I couldn't see through it and went the wrong way. I know you would never accept this what I am saying. You would say you were normal. If that is the case then surely something is wrong with me. Maybe because I am a hyper-emotional fool. Whatever it was, I saw something else, something special. It was there, even though for a meagre portion, but it was there. That's why I earlier said that your portrayal felt real to me. And that's what immerses me in immense pain when that realisation hits me that it was not what I saw it was, it was not true, it was all false. It was all there just for a purpose. This is the most difficult to process.

It's been months yet nothing has changed. Not a day goes by without me thinking about you more than twice. No matter how much I fool myself with office work, movies, books, it never goes away. And mostly the nights. With this comes all the loses that I have had in my life so far. How alone I have become. How close all they were and how unreachable they are now. Not unreachable, talking about them makes no sense now as they don't exist anymore. And I keep waiting for myself to become extinct just like them.

All that story and drama I created, that I would forget all this and only think about friendship, those steps and protocols I would follow, the methods, that written article that I read out to you, all that was just to make you feel good. All that was just to prevent you from thinking that any of it was your fault. In reality no matter how much precaution anyone takes, these things don't just fade away. No matter what method or procedure one follows, these will haunt them for time. Similarly I will also have to bear it. I will have to suffer for the way I handled things. Knowing all well before everything happened about the end result because of my past experience and my super luck, I fell for this trap on my own. It's definitely my own doing, my own mistake. So the pain is absolutely justified and there's no escape from it.

I hope someday I will be free again. With a super strong determination to be devoid of these things in life, no matter how tempting it becomes. No matter how happy it feels in that moment.
I am hopeful to get relief from this someday. I just wish it not to be that long. I know time will heal me. I will recover someday.

9/16/2018 08:53:00 am Share:

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Saturday 18 August 2018

This poem was written by Mr. Atal Bihari Vajpayee. This poem is small in length but conveys so much in just a few lines.


दूर कहीं कोई रोता है

तन पर पहरा भटक रहा मन 

साथी है केवल सूनापन

बिछुड़ गया क्या स्वजन किसी का

क्रंदन सदा करूण होता है

दूर कहीं कोई रोता है 


जन्म दिवस पर हम इठलाते

क्यों ना मरण त्यौहार मनाते

अन्तिम यात्रा के अवसर पर

आँसू का अशकुन होता है

दूर कहीं कोई रोता है


अंतर रोयें आँख ना रोयें

धुल जायेंगे स्वप्न संजोये

छलना भरे विश्व में केवल

सपना ही तो सच होता है

दूर कहीं कोई रोता है


इस जीवन से मृत्यु भली है

आतंकित जब गली गली है

मैं भी रोता आसपास जब 

कोई कहीं नहीं होता है 

दूर कहीं कोई रोता है 

दूर कहीं कोई रोता है

                                     - अटल बिहारी वाजपेयी


Such powerfull feelings and totally relatable. Great poem by a great person. 

poem

Door Kahin Koi Rota Hai

Posted by Subham  |  No comments

This poem was written by Mr. Atal Bihari Vajpayee. This poem is small in length but conveys so much in just a few lines.


दूर कहीं कोई रोता है

तन पर पहरा भटक रहा मन 

साथी है केवल सूनापन

बिछुड़ गया क्या स्वजन किसी का

क्रंदन सदा करूण होता है

दूर कहीं कोई रोता है 


जन्म दिवस पर हम इठलाते

क्यों ना मरण त्यौहार मनाते

अन्तिम यात्रा के अवसर पर

आँसू का अशकुन होता है

दूर कहीं कोई रोता है


अंतर रोयें आँख ना रोयें

धुल जायेंगे स्वप्न संजोये

छलना भरे विश्व में केवल

सपना ही तो सच होता है

दूर कहीं कोई रोता है


इस जीवन से मृत्यु भली है

आतंकित जब गली गली है

मैं भी रोता आसपास जब 

कोई कहीं नहीं होता है 

दूर कहीं कोई रोता है 

दूर कहीं कोई रोता है

                                     - अटल बिहारी वाजपेयी


Such powerfull feelings and totally relatable. Great poem by a great person. 

8/18/2018 10:35:00 am Share:

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Tuesday 24 April 2018

When my friends are facing decisions to whether go for Infinity War in Cinepolis or PVR, I am facing decisions that are huge on responsibilities, on which the lives of people depend. I am expected to take decisions that if not taken the correct one, I am going to regret for the rest of my life. Why was I chosen to be in all this. I didn't want any of this. Why so early. Why did he have to leave me. Why did he have to marry the wrong person. Why did all this happen.
At the time when my friends are travelling the country, having fun, taking tension of their love life, I am supposed to make decisions that will impact my whole life. Responsibilities that are unknown as I have never taken them.

Going off to a very different topic, why doesn't a day go without you coming into my thoughts. Why the constant rebellion to all my wishes. Why the ever presence of you in my conscious and unconscious self. Why did it happen. For a very small amount of time of happiness, I don't deserve this long interval of the opposite. I want it to end soon.

Decision

Posted by Subham  |  No comments

When my friends are facing decisions to whether go for Infinity War in Cinepolis or PVR, I am facing decisions that are huge on responsibilities, on which the lives of people depend. I am expected to take decisions that if not taken the correct one, I am going to regret for the rest of my life. Why was I chosen to be in all this. I didn't want any of this. Why so early. Why did he have to leave me. Why did he have to marry the wrong person. Why did all this happen.
At the time when my friends are travelling the country, having fun, taking tension of their love life, I am supposed to make decisions that will impact my whole life. Responsibilities that are unknown as I have never taken them.

Going off to a very different topic, why doesn't a day go without you coming into my thoughts. Why the constant rebellion to all my wishes. Why the ever presence of you in my conscious and unconscious self. Why did it happen. For a very small amount of time of happiness, I don't deserve this long interval of the opposite. I want it to end soon.

4/24/2018 08:01:00 pm Share:

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Saturday 17 March 2018

We humans are quite mistaken about the prospects of us being in control of our actions, feelings, happenings and circumstances. But it may be very minute, the number of times of us being correct in that regard is surprisingly miniscule.
Even in situations when we know that something is wrong, that may lead to a bad thing, something that you are going into will lead to a wrong
occurrence, even then we may still do it. We actually lack the control towards certain things and involuntarily we fall into that. We regret it only when we are past our actions. At the time of happening, we seem to enjoy it, unknowingly grow it, leading to the regret later, no matter the fact you you already knew at the beginning that it was wrong. And then the circumstances, they will lure you, they will show you things that you want to see.


But you need to see through the haze. Then only one can remain happy and relevant later. At that moment due to the overwhelming environment one may get delusional, but to stay on path definitely has its perks.
Satyajit Ray's this work Charulata is also an original story by Rabindranath Tagore. Human life, relations and their portrayal at its best. Half into the film you will feel really happy. Seeing how Amal is, you will feel joy. Later on, you will get to see what wrong is going on. But that's my perspective, this may not be wrong for someone else. Even a part of me feels it wasn't Charu's fault. But since in the beginning I said that tend to lose control.
I am feeling confused now. Better stop writing. :P

Control

Posted by Subham  |  No comments

We humans are quite mistaken about the prospects of us being in control of our actions, feelings, happenings and circumstances. But it may be very minute, the number of times of us being correct in that regard is surprisingly miniscule.
Even in situations when we know that something is wrong, that may lead to a bad thing, something that you are going into will lead to a wrong
occurrence, even then we may still do it. We actually lack the control towards certain things and involuntarily we fall into that. We regret it only when we are past our actions. At the time of happening, we seem to enjoy it, unknowingly grow it, leading to the regret later, no matter the fact you you already knew at the beginning that it was wrong. And then the circumstances, they will lure you, they will show you things that you want to see.


But you need to see through the haze. Then only one can remain happy and relevant later. At that moment due to the overwhelming environment one may get delusional, but to stay on path definitely has its perks.
Satyajit Ray's this work Charulata is also an original story by Rabindranath Tagore. Human life, relations and their portrayal at its best. Half into the film you will feel really happy. Seeing how Amal is, you will feel joy. Later on, you will get to see what wrong is going on. But that's my perspective, this may not be wrong for someone else. Even a part of me feels it wasn't Charu's fault. But since in the beginning I said that tend to lose control.
I am feeling confused now. Better stop writing. :P

3/17/2018 04:10:00 pm Share:

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Monday 5 March 2018

There is a short story by Rabindranath Tagore named The Postmaster. Satyajit Ray had made a movie about the same story as a tribute to Rabindranath. These poets, authors, directors, filmmakers, creative people experience life and weave them into such simple stories. There is so much to derive from those. We as people are always hungry for a little love, a little care and we start building a world of our own, going into a fallacy of our own that we start associating our life to the people who showered affection on us for even a brief period of time. We tend to totally go away form the reality that their own being is separate from our own. We expect and assume that we have become part of their life. But no, that's a mere mirage. How can it be possible? People will anyway be how they are. Just a few moments of adulation was on their part, not that it makes you a permanent acquaintance of them.

We need to realise this at the start of anything. During and even at the end. Because there always be an end if there was a start. We need to stay on the ground. No matter how beautiful or fulfilling it may seem. But the underlying reality will always prevail. We should avoid ourselves from becoming emotionally depended. It may not seem to be a big problem at the start, but later the harsh truth comes. It would be a little easy to live life that way.
A beautifully done work of a legend — Teen Kanya - The Postmaster.

Realisation

Posted by Subham  |  No comments

There is a short story by Rabindranath Tagore named The Postmaster. Satyajit Ray had made a movie about the same story as a tribute to Rabindranath. These poets, authors, directors, filmmakers, creative people experience life and weave them into such simple stories. There is so much to derive from those. We as people are always hungry for a little love, a little care and we start building a world of our own, going into a fallacy of our own that we start associating our life to the people who showered affection on us for even a brief period of time. We tend to totally go away form the reality that their own being is separate from our own. We expect and assume that we have become part of their life. But no, that's a mere mirage. How can it be possible? People will anyway be how they are. Just a few moments of adulation was on their part, not that it makes you a permanent acquaintance of them.

We need to realise this at the start of anything. During and even at the end. Because there always be an end if there was a start. We need to stay on the ground. No matter how beautiful or fulfilling it may seem. But the underlying reality will always prevail. We should avoid ourselves from becoming emotionally depended. It may not seem to be a big problem at the start, but later the harsh truth comes. It would be a little easy to live life that way.
A beautifully done work of a legend — Teen Kanya - The Postmaster.

3/05/2018 10:54:00 pm Share:

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Sunday 4 March 2018


Earlier I used to think what to write. Now it's more of a vent, to let out things. I watched a movie called Ankhon Dekhi. It's one of those movies that make you think about it even after you've watched it and long after that you think about it. Today I realised that the people that talk about these kind of movies being parallel cinema or coining terms like art-house films must also understand that some people are watching movies not because of the cinematic experience they provide, but because of the acting, the direction, the screenplay, he accent of actors, the scenes and production design, the story above all. It can be safely assumed that most of the people consuming media on smaller mediums like a 5 inch mobile phone screen or a 14 inch laptop are not seeing it because of the cinematic appeal the movie provides but because of the viewpoint the movie is about or the story.


Otherwise there would be no one watching classics of Satyajit Ray or Amitabh Bachchan or any legend for that matter. I am not saying that those films don't have cinematic brilliance, of course they do, but most of them aren't in a position to compare themselves with the modern ones since the old prints are not that good anymore. And even if they are, they are preserved in places where normal people don't have access to.
Thank you Rajat Kapoor.
sanjay mishra

Just Like That

Posted by Subham  |  No comments


Earlier I used to think what to write. Now it's more of a vent, to let out things. I watched a movie called Ankhon Dekhi. It's one of those movies that make you think about it even after you've watched it and long after that you think about it. Today I realised that the people that talk about these kind of movies being parallel cinema or coining terms like art-house films must also understand that some people are watching movies not because of the cinematic experience they provide, but because of the acting, the direction, the screenplay, he accent of actors, the scenes and production design, the story above all. It can be safely assumed that most of the people consuming media on smaller mediums like a 5 inch mobile phone screen or a 14 inch laptop are not seeing it because of the cinematic appeal the movie provides but because of the viewpoint the movie is about or the story.


Otherwise there would be no one watching classics of Satyajit Ray or Amitabh Bachchan or any legend for that matter. I am not saying that those films don't have cinematic brilliance, of course they do, but most of them aren't in a position to compare themselves with the modern ones since the old prints are not that good anymore. And even if they are, they are preserved in places where normal people don't have access to.
Thank you Rajat Kapoor.

3/04/2018 03:48:00 pm Share:

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Sunday 21 January 2018

Never felt this alone in my life so far, as much I am feeling from last two weeks. I don't know whose fault it is. But ultimately the cause is because of me I guess. My wrong decisions and my failure of not being able to keep myself from the wrong. But how does one know. Sometimes they think that it's good, or rather say natural. Why to be a spoilsport. But then...... actually it's all about me.

I wasn't this alone when I was in ghaziabad in the initial days after that happened......neither was I this alone when I was in Bhubaneswar for the same reason......but here...I am totally alone. I feel no purpose in life no matter how much I try to reason and replenish my radical thinking. But it's not happening this time. I was a real fool. I didn't think about this situation, such an over-confidence I had. I hated thia state earlier too, and why not, anyone will hate it. Still my foolishness overtook me.

Sometimes very small things, minutest of things trigger those memories of recent past, the mere sound of a scooter being parked, can make you feel so empty. And in these times you always see people around you in such a way that they constantly remind you of your longing.

I wish I had never moved on. That way I could have stayed away from suffering again. This pain is like having something stuck in the neck all the time, and something causing discomfort in the chest area. Had I not moved on, or I wish it would have taken me two more years to move on, then I would have been saved from this misery. People might laugh reading all this, may think it's childish. But what do I do. I am this way and I can't do anything about it. I am trying to change myself. Earlier right after I became free of the old and just before falling prey again, I was in an illusion that I have changed. Now I realise, no, I was foolish all the while. I just wish it passes faster this time. Unlike last time. Or may the pain be there to linger on, but with miniscule intensity so that it doesn't affect my regular life.

Alone

Posted by Subham  |  No comments

Never felt this alone in my life so far, as much I am feeling from last two weeks. I don't know whose fault it is. But ultimately the cause is because of me I guess. My wrong decisions and my failure of not being able to keep myself from the wrong. But how does one know. Sometimes they think that it's good, or rather say natural. Why to be a spoilsport. But then...... actually it's all about me.

I wasn't this alone when I was in ghaziabad in the initial days after that happened......neither was I this alone when I was in Bhubaneswar for the same reason......but here...I am totally alone. I feel no purpose in life no matter how much I try to reason and replenish my radical thinking. But it's not happening this time. I was a real fool. I didn't think about this situation, such an over-confidence I had. I hated thia state earlier too, and why not, anyone will hate it. Still my foolishness overtook me.

Sometimes very small things, minutest of things trigger those memories of recent past, the mere sound of a scooter being parked, can make you feel so empty. And in these times you always see people around you in such a way that they constantly remind you of your longing.

I wish I had never moved on. That way I could have stayed away from suffering again. This pain is like having something stuck in the neck all the time, and something causing discomfort in the chest area. Had I not moved on, or I wish it would have taken me two more years to move on, then I would have been saved from this misery. People might laugh reading all this, may think it's childish. But what do I do. I am this way and I can't do anything about it. I am trying to change myself. Earlier right after I became free of the old and just before falling prey again, I was in an illusion that I have changed. Now I realise, no, I was foolish all the while. I just wish it passes faster this time. Unlike last time. Or may the pain be there to linger on, but with miniscule intensity so that it doesn't affect my regular life.

1/21/2018 10:36:00 pm Share:

0 comments:

Tuesday 9 January 2018

They ruin everything. Expectations. Desire. In a happy life these terms bring about turmoil with no reason at all.

I would ask you about love, you would probably quote me a sonnet. But you have never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable like me.

Life is way too tough for social animals like human beings at the cost of collective happiness we get from our family and friends.

Everything about human anatomy is great except some of the hormones and their triggering mechanisms (read situations/timings).

The transition from being relevant to being peripheral is hard. Sometimes you wish to have stayed irrelevant from beginning to avoid pain.

At times it feels all the same. The exact same thing happens. And you start questioning yourself about the decision of yours to get along, meet people, form associations in the first place.

Boys are so stupid. We boys/men are so methodical and good at doing almost everything, rationale and reasoning, but we are at the mercy of our stupid brain when it comes to terms of opposite sex and friendship. We are so stupid that when someone talks with us for a few months in a good way, we think there is potential, there is possibility. So much more. But the reality may be different. The other person was just being friendly and all you thought was to get to be with them for the rest of life. How foolish.

Somethings shouldn't bother me,
they absolutely should not,
but still they do.
I am trying to lose those inhibitions,
yet they cling on.

People use you so far you help them, and then when they're out of their bad phase, they've come into their comfort zone, you cease to matter to them anymore. You're pushed down on the priority list.

Detachment is the key to happiness. Desire is the root cause of all unhappiness. Only if dying was easy.

mixed feelings

Expectations

Posted by Subham  |  No comments

They ruin everything. Expectations. Desire. In a happy life these terms bring about turmoil with no reason at all.

I would ask you about love, you would probably quote me a sonnet. But you have never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable like me.

Life is way too tough for social animals like human beings at the cost of collective happiness we get from our family and friends.

Everything about human anatomy is great except some of the hormones and their triggering mechanisms (read situations/timings).

The transition from being relevant to being peripheral is hard. Sometimes you wish to have stayed irrelevant from beginning to avoid pain.

At times it feels all the same. The exact same thing happens. And you start questioning yourself about the decision of yours to get along, meet people, form associations in the first place.

Boys are so stupid. We boys/men are so methodical and good at doing almost everything, rationale and reasoning, but we are at the mercy of our stupid brain when it comes to terms of opposite sex and friendship. We are so stupid that when someone talks with us for a few months in a good way, we think there is potential, there is possibility. So much more. But the reality may be different. The other person was just being friendly and all you thought was to get to be with them for the rest of life. How foolish.

Somethings shouldn't bother me,
they absolutely should not,
but still they do.
I am trying to lose those inhibitions,
yet they cling on.

People use you so far you help them, and then when they're out of their bad phase, they've come into their comfort zone, you cease to matter to them anymore. You're pushed down on the priority list.

Detachment is the key to happiness. Desire is the root cause of all unhappiness. Only if dying was easy.

1/09/2018 11:57:00 pm Share:

0 comments:

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